Shaven in a Manger

Mimi Teddy synths the voice to become kidsong, but it’s so scary. “Merry Christmas to You” recounts block chain problems, reindeer retardation, and how Santa Claus is waiting for his beard to regrow; His barber shaved it off by mistake a month ago. Nightmare!

Previously, it was an honor to share Gary Alt’s “Holiday Shaving Cream,” a holidaytion of the old Benny Bell classic (as heard on the Dr. Demento Show throughout the ’70s).

Da ADR Crew update that with the rapping “Santa’s Shaving Cream.” Short and… shaving cream.

Haircuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Lamba Lamby delivers a slightly better kidsong encouraging kids (or baby animals at least) to answer the question “Where is Santa’s Beard?” With the proper shouting, children may help Santa decide what to replace his lost locks with (oddly, he loses his beard in painful accidents including fire and falling).

Pit and Penny have less luck in the short “Santa Lost His Beard.” What a kidsong mess.

Bucky Habanero attribute senile dementia to the time “Santa Shaved.” Light country, but quite critical of that old’un messing with tradition.

The North Barber Pole

Harve Mann depicts Santa who, during what could be a mid-life crisis, goes nuts with a razor. “Santa Shaved His Beard” as well as got piercings and tattoos for a whole new, slightly country look.

Watch Reggie Run seems less worried when “Santa Shaved His Beard.” This retro rock settles on the descriptor weird. Guess it’s his prerogative.

VGMD is even cooler with “Santa’s Shaving His Beard.” Jazzy kid blues rationalize that he just oughta in the summertime (and those toenails!). [Caution: this is the product of a Sam & Max fan and not an actual tie in to one of the best cartoon series ever.]

Xmas Barber Shopping

Take it off, Santa! Take it all off!

And yet, shaving isn’t just for Ol’ Nick. Ren and Stimpy (John Kricfalusi, billy West) return for their hair rock tribute to “Yak Shaving Day,” a truly tasteless ritualistic celebration. (That Nickolodeon cartoon’s Christmas corruptions involved hair in other ways: “Cat Hairballs“–a caroldy present alternative; and “We Wish You a Hairy Chestwig“–another caroldy about the preferred present for manly men who lack.)

The Nobility is indie hollering about how “Santa Shaved His Beard.” Into the stocking! Game Over, man!

Mighty Magic Pants kidsongs about the peripeteia when “Santa Shaved His Beard.” It’s traumatizing for the reindeer, elves, and impersonators.

No Grooming at the Inn

Man maintenance! For Xmas!

Who wore it better? The Quaint & The Curious retro pop with uke to protest “Everybody Seems to Love Santa’s Beard.” Which means, they don’t love his. In fact, he’s persecuted for his tonsorial choices.

Don’t Shave for Me, Mrs. Claus” is a gender liquid Celtic overly orchestrated ballad filled with reassuring angst from Ginger. Right up my alley.

Metallists Vicious Kitty go after the traditional “Mrs. Claus” for all the bad things that have accrued at the pole, including Santa’s shaving.

Santa Shaved Mr. Simpson’s Head” by Mr. Simpson, might be a schoolteacher explaining to the kids why he’s balding. Or it might be a showtune about an acid trip. Frogs, reindeer thieves, and ninjas appear and disappear for no better reason than they’re friggin’ awesome.

Mustache-ing Through the Snow

There’s more to human male plumage than a beard, ya?

Well, it’s a band named Christmas, and then the metal rock song is about how “My Mustache Means Respect.” So we’re in the ballpark.

Matt Aaron (and child) recounts sneaking a peek at Big Red “The Year Santa Only Had a Mustache.” Soft pop with comic undertones.

Robots! Everywhere​!​! percussively garage pop the tune “Christmas Mustache!” all about that one time Santa didn’t look right. Whoa, my hands hurt.

Callum 36, on the other cheek, figures Santa’s new ‘stache makes him more manly and p0werful. “Merry Christmas If You Please” is an atonal adventure of the patience testing kind.

I’m Gettin Muttonchops for Christmas

Pinkfong is back with Hogi and more childish drivel: “Have You Seen My Beard?” It’s Santa, though it sounds like a four-year-old, and it’s a crime scene kidsong. I’d check down your shirt, dude.

Nick Jacobs hearkens back to those good ol’ Covid-19 days with the hip pop downer: “No Holly Jolly Christmas.” Hope that you wear a mask not a fake Santa beard, he chirps. Not sure about the prurient Blue’s Clues parody for the video. What the fun?

That kid just took Santa’s beard in the midst of Covid. Bad stuff tried to bring us down, but “A Covid Christmas” was a time to remember the reason for the season: toilet paper. Driving pop with a solid rock backbeat.

Why Couldn’t It Beard Christmas Everyday?

[I Saw Mommy Kiss Santa] Last Night” has a famous line about tickling under the beard. Still, i dry heave to hear the original. Perhaps the Yule Logs with their surf pop reorchestration can soften the bile.

A pop lesson in history from John Edmond tells us about “The Very First Father Christmas.” It’s mostly about stockings, but the beard gets a mention.

A pop lesson in culture from Kerstin Adeström, Ola W Jansson & Sami Yousri piano bars “The Swedish Way to Celebrate” Christmas. Their Santa may appear unconventionally, but he’s still got that long white stuff at the bottom of his punim.

Christmas Chin Curtain Hollis

Psychostick namedrops Santa (as well as Jesus and Chewbacca) in their manifesto “Obey the Beard.” Bro rock.

Jaydes does the sexist rap for “Dirty Santa.” Amongst the sexual innuendoes is the invitation to pull the beard.

Holiday Roger to the rescue with the most disgusting Santa beard of all. “Rudolph’s Got a Nosebleed” is electronic pop about where to wipe that mess. Ugh.

Radiant Beams From Thy Holy Facial Hair

Brother Strange hammers on metal to remind you of “Sweet Beard Jesus.” All songs about Christ are Christmas songs.

Hard garage from Samaritan bleeds into metal for “Jesus Had a Beard, Why Can’t We?

Lesley Whore folk rocks the more approachable “Jesus Had a Groovy Beard.”

God must get mistaken for Santa alla time. So sings Elvis Costello in one of my all time favorites: “God’s Comic.” JC wants to know, what’s the deal with airplane food?