Some musical acts shortchange an audience with simplistic imagery, cliche, and mind-numbing repetition.
Some are just bad.
While on the topic of Santa and trees, a few horrible songs stood out and i thought i’d share them with you.
You don’t have to get me anything.
Half baked and over-miked, Glenn Diamond waits by Christmas Tree, “My Christmas Tree” for Santa to bring something… in my memory. It was all a plodding country dream!
Garnet brings the holiday mood down a notch with the somnolent “Santa’s Christmas Tree.” I wanna say the guy has trouble with English, but–it’s just awful.
Also so off key you can’t listen away, Jean Humanic asks “Santa Sit Beneath My Christmas Tree.” No, it’s not even suggestive it’s so off-putting. Machine beat with a pretty good guitar solo.
Katiah is a bit hyper about her “Christmas Tree” (or, rather, ‘Kwismuss Twee’), but she does know, in kidsong fashion, that tree up = Santa come. The condescension to young people makes me wonder what her o-face really looks like.
Flipside to ‘Suzy Snowflake’ was “Little Red Riding Hood’s Christmas Tree,” a Rosemary Clooney orchestral offering from 1951 that tootles its way around the decorations (you know, big eyes, big nose, big mouth…).
Yeah, there’s a song about it. Lara Herscovitch soars soulfully with “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.” Her folk pop is more about home and love and Christ and getting away from the rat race. Not sure if the grief is good here. Or childhood values. Or trees, really.
So now let’s grow up! Janyse goes Betty Boop with “Elfy Under My Tree.” Swinging flirtiness! (She has a more womanly torch version, as well.)
Some of these Christmas trees got names. Does that make you regret stuffing them in the trash?
“Chris the Dancing Christmas Tree” actually tells about the redeemed artificial arboreal offering. Charles ‘Kingman’ Hardman sells this old world kidsong as AI robotic fun, with no threat to humanity at all.
“Pee Wee the Christmas Tree” from Karen Newsum makes that small tree less pathetic with a name. Maybe a little. He sure wants to get cut. Country.
Preston Penn, oddly, also knows a “Little Pee Wee (Christmas Tree)” who similarly suffers survivor’s remorse year after year while the rest of the forest goes away. Old-timers’ pop.
“Greenie the Christmas Tree” is also too small to make the cut. Barbara E Leigh is singing to that left behind kid in you. Hey, this IS the same pee wee song.
Jeffrey Lefevre wittily rhymes out “Wilby the Christmas Tree.” In a dirge of a holiday polka we learn what this tree will be. (Yours, silly.)
Here’s a tree you may not know. “Freddie the Little Fir Tree” is–all right, it’s the same little guy that wants to be hacked, sold, and eventually discarded. He’s so happy to have a short life! Sigh. But. it’s Gene Autry!
“Mr. Dancing Christmas Tree” might be some excuse for a party, but i believe GT’s kidsong that implies some magic made it come to life one day.
Finally, the change of pace we’ve been scouring for. The Yobs punk up the children’s tune “Tommy the Christmas Tree.” This tree still gives its life for us, but we’re sneering now.
To fully deliver us from jollity, Steven Courtney emos a piano (w/rainfall) ballad of one tree’s over-earnest promise to deliver your best Christmas ever. “Oscar the Christmas Tree” is a bit unsettling, but i sense a sincere artistic effort here to charm. So i am. Wow.
Fun and flirty, alt pop from Future Kid Sisters mumbles “If I were Born a Christmas Tree,” then i guess all would be cocoa-flavored kisses for me and you, or something like that.
“(I Wanna be) Your Christmas Tree” hints at the temporary relationship Levi Fuller wants to commit to. Kick him to the curb after a month or two! Alt island music.
Black and Blond Music also announce (with jazzy blues) “I Want to be Your Christmas Tree,” but they point out that they’re the best of the nondescript lot of piney nobodies and need your special notice. Yeah, you.
EASHA seems to sublimate her love of the holidays into a simple “Christmas Tree.” Her diva-lite pop also seems to enmasculate that prop into a lover… i think. Ew.
’80s inspired jazz rock set up Irving Jack to back and forth him/her for a fallin’ in love duel/duet in the incomparable “Bam! Slam! Christmas Tree!” You may believe it after you hear it. Maybe.
Praying to the thing, some little kid in some Kenny Rogers movie (‘Christmas from the Heart’) asks “Hey, Little Christmas Tree” in song for a better holiday.
Parry Gripp also wants to just call out compliments to the centerpiece. “Hey Christmas Tree” shouts out to the rafters, to the heavens, to the aliens–how beautiful YOU are! Alt pop.
Making this point the parody of ‘Tannenbaum’ John Miller, Lyle Stutzman, Eldo Miller, and Willard Mast sing to the youth groups of the three Amish-Mennonite sister churches in the Huchinson, KS area with a lovely “Oh Christmas Tree Parody.” Good fun.
So, would you like to meet your tree? Strike up the band!
Gene London pitched the idea of being a Christmas tree his own self in “A Walking Talking Christmas Tree.” Hang a star! ’60s pop. (Tip of the pointy hat to Pete the Elf for connecting me to that one.)
As Thoreau said: personify, personify, personify. Wild Man Fisher screams it best with his original “I’m a Christmas Tree” (although some of you might know his developed duet with Dr. Demento a bit better).
Metal messiness wherein Distortion Ride claims everyone suffers like holiday decorations. “Christmas Tree Blues” is more prog than blues, but it makes you depressed regardless… oh, and BLUE ALERT
The whole life cycle of horror show from POV tree comes thus in unplugged ‘Tannenbaum’ parody from Gordy Pratt with “I’m the Christmas Tree.” Not worth your pity.
To help “A Christmas Tree’s Wish” answers the timeless question with a wandering pop plodder from Missy The Elf & Tom Moore. (Spoiler: it wishes to be the Times Square tree.) BTW that tree left our last tree a song “Rockefeller Tree” from I am The World Trade Center. Sitar psychedelia. (YOU figure that out, i’m tired.)
Nat King Cole hand delivers “I’m the Happiest Christmas Tree” Class on Delivery. It’s pop, and it does.
Part of Christmas growing up is wishing you could be the tree, just for a day. Oh, it’s not?
Great kids’ songs border on the creepy. “I Wanna be a Christmas Tree” from Vince Vance & the Valiants pounds out the fun of being adored with breathy hoarseness. Muck Sticky make this worse.
Jeff Sorg’s rockin’ kid song “I’m a Christmas Tree” isn’t especially creepy, how he wants kids to dress him up. Serviceable.
Kids’ assembly number time: “I’m Gonna Be Santa’s Tree” has some rousing jazz and teasing lyrics, but it’s all about how good a tree can be (i think).
In a case of mistaken identity, Little Rita Faye claims “I Fell Out of a Christmas Tree” ’cause she was born on Xmas Day. She’s not really a tree after all. Early (underage) rockabilly.
What’s that tree want? To go home with you! “The Christmas Tree That Ran Away” was a classic from The Peter Pan Caroleers, but check out the gospel take from John Baumgardner & The Paper Doll Baptists. Epic.