Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–worst

The horror that is ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ will not die, whether it’s listing phrases particular to pirates, rednecks, Black Santa, fast food, JC, his disciples, stressed students, COVID-19, sweaters, drugs, kid stuff, romance, weaponry, IT, psychoanalysis, homosexuality, sexual perversion, regrets, online revenue, and nihilism.

Then there’s the regional: the beach, the Delta, the Bayou, the Bahamas, Newfoundland, the Midwest, Vegas, NYC, Hawaii, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Scotland, Ireland, England, Germany, Russia, China, Japan, South Africa, Kenya, India, Honduras, China, and travel in general.

Naturally, there’s also pop media ‘culture’: The Simpsons, ‘The Lion King,’ Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, Barbie, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Phineas & Ferb, Sonic, the Penguins of Madagascar, Smurfs, He-Man, Star Trek, Star Wars, Fortnite, Zelda, Warcraft, Minecraft, Stranger Things, The Walking Dead, and overall fantasy/superhero nerd.

There’s no end to these. Make it stop.

But, novelty Christmas music is my mission, so i’ll allow runners up in the humor dept: The Christmas Pranksters, Brandon Rogers, and–omigod–Vihart.

Then there’s original folk melody from Peggy Seeger. Horizon broadening.

My fave-o, though, to end on a semi-positive note, is the Billy West voice impersonation from the Christmas Party with Eddie G album. Spread between various songs are these ‘outtakes’ from a Three Stooges “Twelve Days of Christmas” parody. Terrific stuff.

Christmas Countdown: the 12 days–best

‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ may have begun as ten days, but the publishing of the lyrics in 1780 sealed the deal–Xmas to Epiphany. And it may not have been considered so much a carol as a children’s memory and forfeit game, until 1909 when OUR current day lyrics come ’round (gold rings may have been ringed pheasants or goldfinches, so all birds until people). Regardless, it stinks and singing it is a form of hell on earth.

Still, i must acknowledge its presence. So here are the ‘best’ novelty entries in this detested species.

Alan Sherman made hay with his “12 Gifts of Christmas” so many years ago (as seen here on The Jimmy Dean Show). Classic comedy.

A mite later, Sascha Burland and The Skipjack Choir present the comedy sfx extravaganza “The Chickens Are In The Chimes.” Marvin Watts sends Cecilia Sockel all the gifts during a recording session–hijinx ensue! Nonsense!

Couple decades later Doug and Bob McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) stumble through “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” They crack themselves up. Bubba humor.

Shortly after that Bob Rivers makes his bones with “The Twelve Pains of Christmas.” (It’s the MTv era, so check out this video). Ironic pop.

Another decade later Straight No Chaser land recording and touring contracts from their viral video “The 12 Days of Christmas.” Toto to the rescue! Indulgent cultural mashups!

But, imma gonna have to proclaim The Best 12 Days Song Ever is the inimitable 2010 “Corner Store at Christmas” from Bowling for Soup. Give it a minute to recognize what i mean. Gary Weissman’ll tell ya. (78$, right?)

Christmas Countdown: 13 sarcastically

Seriously trying for humor can be trying. “The 13 Days of Christmas” from The Broadway Cast Of ‘The Addams Family’ overworks the yuck and then smirks, These holidays can suck the partridge right out of your pear tree don’t you think? No.

Too specific can also miss the ha-ha. “13 Days of Christmas” from Dead Workers Party badly recites the techie woes of these IT nerds. Don’t get it.

Australia’s naughty momma Jenny Talia gets #MeToo about the terrible gifts during her “13 Days of Christmas.” Pushing it, but not quite blue. Cringe-worthy.

Jesus came to me in a “13ft Tinny” and invites you to lunch, but He always makes you pay. This Australian find is a wonderful folk rock bit of winsome piffle. Dig it.

Sam & Bill take it away with their “Crystal Lake Christmas.” Why did Friday the 13th have to fall in December? So, Jason cleans up at teen camp. Hokey amateurism and leaning on the video game more than the film–but i calls ’em as i sees ’em. This be funny.

Christmas Countdown: 13 seriously

Tim Dinkins lisps out the spoken word country bummer “The Little Boy’s Letter to Santa Claus,” about a boy who don’t want toys–only his Daddy back, adding the date of his daddy’s demise: June 13. (Bet it was a Friday.) [Jimmie Selph’s 1947 version had the rumor of Daddy runnin’ off for younger fields.]

Kenny Rogers ties for awful times with “Kentucky Homemade Christmas.” Poverty reduces the reason for the season to just love. But that’s not enough when you got kids: Little Linda ain’t no baby. Hell she turns thirteen in April, She’s been dreamin’ about that dolly in the window for half her life; She’s old enough to realise that it ain’t never comin’–I’d damn near rob a bank to get that doll. Damn is right.

Counting the ages from 6 to 13, The Osmonds reveal “Christmas Means More Every Year.” Starts selfish, but gets to the true meaning. Elder-slow easy listening.

Watch for Rockets rocks their “13 Days of Xmas.” No lists of gifts, just loud ennui. Good stuff.

El Sancho also rocks, this time with more punk, as befits “Merry Christmas Joey Ramone.” This singer discovered that singer when 13. It took. Homage, homie.

Christmas Countdown: 14

TWxWKS (‘two weeks’ i guess) get all meta singing about their rapping in “14 Days of Christmas.” They list what they want and BLUE ALERT tease each other, but they do admit December 14th is not Christmas day–Bazinga! It’s rude AND gay.

I get to be quarantined–it’s at my expense!–fourteen days… Ya gettin’ the picture? COVID-19 brings us Indiego North!’s accented pop “Flying to You at Christmas.” Hope you’re not expecting an air fryer on top of all that.

I guess the old saying goes: if you love Christmas so much why don’t you “Marry Christmas“? Salem Ilese cheesy pops the question/answer delightedly: Fourteen carats for the reindeer, Eighteen carats on my finger, Pumpkin pie for every dinner–Oh, wouldn’t it be nice?

Ray Stevens gives us yet another jelly-rolling country stomper “I Won’t be Home for Christmas.” The extended family [fourteen kids from 7 marriages… and I’m just talking’ ’bout my sister Rose] does drive him to song. Revival jump!

Even more country is when “Christmas is Homemade.” The Drop Shadows bemoan the ridiculousity of the season (the bird cooks down from 14 to just 4 pounds) with a post-modern garage effervescence that infects everywhere. Love it, especially the off-key trumpet solo.

Christmas Countdown: 15 times

Counting down to Xmas may be a matter of minutes….

Drinking to forget, BLUE ALERT at it all, Kind of Like Spitting rails through garage about the frustration of a “Tyco Racing Set and A Christmas Story Fifteen Times.” Isn’t that a level of Hell?

On the first and the fifteenth come the checks, according to Lil Poverty Angels in their electro-rapping “Welfare Christmas Carols.” Can’t buy presents without ’em.

ILLITERATE UPSTARTS ARE TAKING THE LEAD WITH THE RAZZMATAZZ AND ALL THAT JAZZ; FIFTEEN HOURS CLOCKS ARE RUNNING OUT OF STOCK–YOU CAN SAY IT’S A HELL OF A XMAS CASE ! This is a glimpse of Victor Sierra’s rocking steampunk poetry calling out the madness of Merriness: “The Xmas Case.” There’s a rabbit hole up that chimney.

Shooting straight, Eleri Angharad gets lounge-y downbeat with: December the 15th I’m still getting your call And you say that you miss me while you’re decking the hall–The festive feeling got you singing the blues, But I think you’ve forgot who you’re talking to. She’s not “Santa’s Little Helper” after all. Go suck Eggs-mas.

Leo Sayer gets confused Down Under when he notes Well I’m half a mile from Canberra Where it snowed for fifteen minutes–Now it’s gone. That’s like “Christmas in July” down there. Next, Iceland! New age rock.

MxPx rocks out how in Fifteen minutes I’ll be touching down; I’m finally back in town to unpack my bags and settle down. For good or bad, they are “Coming Home for Christmas.” Another chore off the list!

Christmas Countdown: 15 pounds

Lot of weight gets thrown around around Xmas. It’s heavy, man.

BLUE comedy ALERT: Ivor Biggun jazzes up “All I Want For Christmas (Is an Great Big Dong).” No actual weight is given but Not too ostentatious, just fifteen inches long alludes to the mass. Oh, there’s a punchline, too.

The weight of obligation results in a gift of song from We Three, but the electro-pop of “Our Last Christmas Eve” is surly and pissy. It never snows, watching Hallmark, the 15$ tree… blech.

Too much to carry is on the list when “Santa and the Sidewalk Surfer” collide in the 1964 rocking comedy bit from The Crossfires (rereleased when they become The Turtles two years later). Included as wants are: a hundred and fourteen Freddie and the Snowmen surfin’ records, a Fender electric twangy surf guitar, a whole bunch of surfboard decals, And fifteen copies of Miserlou [an Old World folk song repurposed by surf-guitar master Dick Dale].

Shrill pop from Meghan Trainor admits “I Believe in Santa.” Though she makes it about herself: I gain 15 pounds a season (season), Blame Santa, he’s the reason (reason); I bake cookies just to please him–Ho, ho, ho, ’tis the season. Funky, tho.

Some Christmas songs simply list the images of that time of the year. Some do it well. Whispery alt-rock from Burkini Beach includes Ten foot tall fir trees, twelve foot high ceilings, all season sunrooms, open fires, fifteen pound turkeys, a hundred-year-old recipes… They file it under “#Xmas2017.” Yeah, Instagram gold. But, it gets me. Right here.

Christmas Countdown: 15 years

Side effects of Christmas: nostalgia, regret, remorse, music….

Alter Egel begins their calliope rock melody: Fifteen years ago today You had enough and ran away Every Christmas since that one was sad. But a “Blue Christmas” results from you returning. Don’t want that. ‘Cause then you’d leave again. Then there’d be peeing on your makeup and driving the van with the tree nailed to it off a cliff. You know how that goes.

Chumbawumba has a postmodern rocker (with hollow chanting and vinyl pops) that goes: Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree How bent your branches seem to be; Nineteen twenty-one and all’s well, Another fifteen years and we’ll be laughing in hell. “Rubens has been Shot” presages WWII, and the weird new art scene, and perhaps existentialism. Yeah, let’s say that.

But, you wanna get freaky?! “Chrismysteries” from Johnathan Boggarty and the Yoghurt Man is expressionistic word jazz, f’r ‘zample: It’s been fifteen Christmases Since I’ve thought of you last, Since that time I’ve had a think And I don’t understand your past. Is this a remonstration on JC? Or uncanny valley AI poetry?

David Prince writes a country history of “My Christmas Wish” from 5 years old to ten years old to My greatest Christmas wish at fifteen was a new guitar. Not sure about you, but this sorrowful, modulated mess makes me sorry about that wish.

Also torturous, “Christmas Morning” is alt-pop froth from Evie Calabasas about–missing you?? Fifteen so many dreams, A town too small for us, Christmas Eve sat on your rooftop, Pen tattoos would never last. I can see it as a series on Prime, but i can’t see it.

You want “Heikki Lunta” on your side, especially if you’re Da Yoopers–they can get whatever they want when this upstate medicine dances. I remember Christmas Eve 15 years ago all the kids were crying; they didn’t have no snow. Punk polka tells the story of what happens next!

Christmas Countdown: 16≥

Pullin’ sixteen, coaches shoutin’ ho ho ho Who needs a sleigh, “Santa’s Got a Choo-Choo Train” honky-tonks Blake Shelton for all he’s worth (which it guess is a lot [100 million]). Good country fun.

The antidote for that would be Macabre’s “Holidays of Horror.” Simmons went crazy, Murdered sixteen, Fourteen of them family; He killed them For the holidays. 1987 spree-killing in Arkansas presented in music hall metal.

That reminds me of Set It Off’s classic metal “This Christmas (I’ll Burn It to the Ground).” and by it, they mean: One thousand gifts, and sixteen trees all lay in a heave in a cul-de-sac, I strike my match, and I drench the trail of gasoline. Yeah, it’s like that.

e. d. slyter gifts his wife with an Xmas song every year or so. Recently he sang the folk ballad “Sixteen” (as in I love you like we’re sixteen–I don’t mean that as a good thing). He admits to being a control freak and going through her stuff on a regular basis. But, hey, it’s Christmas.

Christmas Countdown: 16≤

Underage and feelin’ fine! The Beach Boys’ “Christmas Time is Here Again” claims: She’s so pretty but I’m so young When I’m sixteen I’m gonna have some fun ‘Cause Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time is here again. Retro rock of questionable responsibility.

“Sixteen Days to Christmas” is a rockin’ sad countdown of missing you, bay-bee. Kerr Donnelly Band give us another Elvis homage, and this one is all right. It does rock.

Christmas-adjacent, Anthony Oscar sings light folk/pop about a “Bouquet” of sixteen roses. Kicking carols down a Christmas-cobbled street While wind whistles through the snow: Can candlelight grow wings and carry me To the home, I used to know? Uncertain of intent, but diggin’ it.