The downside of candy for the holidays is intestinal distress, crashing depression, diabetes, and existential malaise. Don’t overdo!
Promising second stringer, Bob Cleghorn, delivers us a prison paean about how there won’t be “No Candy this Christmas.” This tinkly children’s country chorus is clever and fun, but–well, you tell me. Is it a cautionary tale or a sweet nightmare?
In “I Won’t Let You Lick My Candy Bar” Tim Dinkins expresses the old CW power one child has over the other with a sweet treat. But c’mon, that other child punched a dog! Good lord, no candy for him!
Scary adults flouncing around singing about Christmas candy–probably full of drunkenness–should frighten a child. But it is candy from not so strange authoritarian figures… so let’s go for it.
Stephanie Sayers dreamily reflects on love (not for baby j) by comparing it to a “Candy Fisted Christmas.” Bittersweet, or at least heartbreakingly treacly.
Breatlessly Angela DiCarlo belts out a musical number “Christmas Candy” in a production of ‘Candy & Chaos: Chicken in the Snow.’ Find me a ticket post the hell haste. This is not for children, friends.
Okay, huh? Peoples gots too much free time on their hands… DJ Firth took the karaoke of Wham!s ‘Last Christmas’ and sandwiched 50 Cent’s ‘Candy Shop‘ into euphemistic naughtiness. I don’t know what to tell you.
Tech minimalism from Manel Diaz barely registers as an Xmas song. But, if you insist on listening, “Christmas Candy” will reward you with basal beats and wintery warnings.
Feature the barfing noises in The Hot Buttered Elves’ “Santa’s Candy.” It’s loud, discordant, and instructive. Not the funny kind of lesson, kids.
Yeah, there are gonna be some condescending tunes here; adults really like lisping and stuttering and speaking with ersatz brain damage to mimic kids–it’s so fun!
Perhaps Fern’s warble is old age creeping in. But her “Christmas Candy” whispers tremulously with school marm sternness that suggests it’s okay, just this once, to binge on sugar.
Phil Coley is the traditional kids’ singer with his slow, monotonous, sing-song doggerel. Hey, it’s catchy. And there’s hairdo mayhem.
Five Christmas compilations from Peter Pan records proclaimed to be Snoopy’s Christmas album from 1968 to 1972. No artists are accredited, but they usually got labelled Peppermint Kandy Kids or some such moniker. From 1970 and 1972, here is “Christmas Candy.” Stay tuned for the music to switch from good for you light operetta to swingin’ bossa nova. Grue-veigh.
1950 children’s music for Christmas! More loud cheers!
Jimmy Wakely is one of the last singing cowboys. Margaret Whiting hit big in the ’40s with ‘That Old Black Magic,’ and ‘Moonlight in Vermont.’ She was slightly more famous, her dad wrote ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop.’ But together they hit big in ’49 with the country tune ‘Slippin’ Around.’ Here is “Christmas Candy” by them together–so full of molasses that toys don’t even matter!
One sledgehammer of a candied Christmas carol is “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton. Yes life is mean and your independence and identity are important. Country values. (It’s even featured on ‘The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas’ soundtrack.) Hence the numerous covers by Reba McIntrie, Kelly Clarkson, Carter Sampson, Cyndi Lauper (!) (or Cyndi paired with Alison Krauss) (or paired with Dolly), and RuPaul (?!). Skip those and trip to the melted deejay mix by Myntee from one of those hell-yeah Reindeer Room albums. Mmm-mm.
But if you’ve come around lookin’ for some holiday country thoughtful love song, let’s meet T J Murr , the Okie Hobo. “Pretty Christmas Candy” metaphorizes the sticky treat into… wait for it, a pretty girl. It’s honky tonk, but family friendly–i promise!
Christmas may celebrate our ability to suffer through a long frosty time of no crops. To keep starvation rationing of moldering supplies from becoming monotonous, a festive binge half-way through lightens the longing. 12/25 ought to do it.
Now, chowing down and hossanahing Christ may seem dissimilar means to an end, but after weeks of deprivation a sudden mouthful of monosaccharides might move you to ejaculate an ecclesiastical exhortation or (OMG!) two.
So let’s explore the candy-coated side of the holidays this month. Lots of songs sample the suckers, chockies, pies, and cakes (yes, even minced and fruit). (We’ll get to actual Xmas victuals next month). So, insulate me with insulin, i’m going in!
Most of us feel regretful after gleeful gluttony, however, so Bah and the Humbugs start with candy and cookies and pie “What I Ate for My Christmas Vacation.” It doesn’t get better, but it does get sweeter.
ApologetiX goes Murray Head (‘One Night in Bangkok’) to make “One Night in Bethlehem.” Verse dropping! Next, The Cars’ ‘Best Friend’s Girl’ switches around to become “Bethlehem’s Boy.” (Give the intro a minute, ‘kay? ‘Worth it.)
Credance Clearwater Revival’s ‘Up Around the Bend’ gets the Bob Rivers’ bending with “Going up to Bethlehem.” Those wisemen threw babies out of a balcony, jim.
Bob Rivers did this one, too. But it’d been done. Here come The Joy Strings with “Little Town of Bethlehem (House of the Rising Sun).” These Christian British popsters were the Salvation Army holiday band ‘cross the pond in the ’60s. Wild.
Before we fade out on the Galilean, the Nazarene’s big day, let’s consider the nativity as a place in time. The setting is so much a part of the story, we’ll thumb through a couple Bethlehem songs.
There are so many in the hymn book….
Making a pop album out of world weary traditionals may tax an artist. So palm branches to Chicago for an original song “Bethlehem” that beat boxes the limited band instruments into a holy moly melee.
Third Day pokes the folk bear with strumming and humming throughout “Born in Bethlehem.” This monotonous metronome of music rocks just a wee bit.
But if you’re holding out for a foreign language travelogue, this Hungarian version of “Betlehem, Betlehem” haunts and daunts the human spirit. Eerie. [Although i prefer the studio version from the album Xmas Marks the Spot. Cool kick beat.]
Just what I wanted to avoid: hamateurs at church making cool relevant the revelations of the New Testament.
But when the shy talents crash and burn for the cause as marvelously as they do for Cameron Hickman and Gracie Galan with “Jesus Christ Baby” (parody of ‘Ice Ice Baby’), we must bow our heads and give thanks the they allow us to bask in their skitty efforts. (You couldn’t do it, and the haters on the comment page are all yelly-jelly.)
