Sweet Christmas! cake 2

Some songs take the Christmas cake half-baked. Then there’s perfectly moist, a balance of tart and sweet, with right angles.

Cheat day: some songs sing cake and mean something (fruitcake) else. But if they only say cake then they may stand tall here in this category. So it goes with Arrogant Worms heralding the immutability of “The Same Christmas Cake.” Piece on Earth!

Christmas cake = home for Dulanka Nayanajith. Not sure where his home is, but “Christmas Cake” rocks it lounge style. This should be boring middle-of-the-road ‘music,’ but it satisfies my cake urges. Thumbs in!

Also from outside our borders Fresh Creek Dance Band transports us to the Bahamas with “Mama, Bake the Johnny Cake, Christmas Coming.” Feet be shaking while cake be baking. (If you’re xenophobic, here’s a nice school kids’ version to keep time to.)

Sweet as sugar, Rachel Debattista croons “The Christmas Baking Tray” detailing the process of making, baking, waking the cake in all of us for Christmas. Nice ice baby.

Heavy in my rotation is Rilo Kiley’s “Xmas Cake.” This ballet of new age misery sweeps around the room like the spatula of heartbreak, icing and neatening the confection of concern just for you.

Sweet Christmas! cake 1

When it comes to Christmas, i say CAKE and you say something about produce that hangs off a tree.

Cake is fine any time, though.

And so is reggae. I know we just had a slice, but Jamaica Jam bakes up “Christmas Cake (In the Oven Baking)” as a dance party for the holidays and for the children and for the holiest of holies having a birthday. This beats out Adu Deme & Dave Azi just a dred with their more solemn “Christmas Cake.” (No cake in the song, mon.)

Punk pokery takes place under the auspices of The Yobs with “Who Had All the Christmas Cake?” BLUE ALERT These boys are unhappy about the cake eaters who may or may not have come down the chimney. While we’re down and dirty, Swaggy G white-child-raps “Christmas Cake” in which this seasonal treat somehow represents his ass.

Hey, did that cake come from home–or did it come from Christmas? Red State Update has a brief reminder about how your eating habits affect your holiday bliss with their “Christmas Cake.” Miss you boys!

Sweet Christmas! mince pie 2

Some of the mince pie Christmas songs are a bit of all right, as the Anglos say.

Alan and Brian take up the bet of musicalizing the top of mince pies and trundle out “Mince Pies.” Light pop music, but clever just a hair, and musical more than it needs to be. Epic even. Cheers.

A sort of sequel “Mince Pies, Gas Mark III” features Brian and other churchgoers staccato-splaining the makings and shakings of pandowdy in question. this time we go beyond epic to mini-musical leading us from auntie’s ovens to the Nativity. Mercy!

Trevor Storey shows you what metal music, 64 bits, and a love of mince pie can do for songs in “Mince Pie.” Hang thy sock; bang thy head.

Best in show is the Blackpool reggae stylings of Wozza and “Mince Pies.” It’s a party is a pastie! (Warren Jackson’s video is sum fun as well.)

Sweet Christmas! mince pie 1

Minced meats shoved into a pie with fruits and exotic spices came from the Middle East to UK after the Crusades. Since that was the Jesus place, it became a holiday tradition. And because those were heathens, the meat got left out. Nowadays mince pie is just a hairsbreadth from fruitcake, although for this baked goodie the brandy is usually drunk in a glass and not sucked out of raisins. Oh, and there’s suet.

Amateurs thus borrow the symbolism of this Xmas dessert to tout their own tiny troubles. Dylan Evans sings “Mince Pies” moping about the depressing business of holidayism. It’s heartfelt, but not filling.

Byron Kuiter and Alexander Cartwright frolic through the ironic “Mince Pie Song” holla-ing about this pinnacle of pie-ty. Basement pop props, but please.

The kids’ traditional recitation throughout the British Isles would be “Five Mince Pies” here presented by some corporate thing called Children Love to Sing. Count it down and don’t forget to shout out your own name to fill in the blanks.

The least you can eat is Foot and Mav funning up Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ with “Mince Pies.” You don’t have to clean your plate, but is this not tasty?

Sweet Christmas! pudding, doughnuts, pie

Other confectionary carols?

Well, let’s skip ‘We Wish You’ with its oddity of asking for figgy pudding… although, Plank Road Publishing has some classy antique school-kids’s song entitled “What is Figgy Pudding?” which is as good an excuse for a song as any around the non-ecumenical holiday singing assembly.

Dunkin’ Donuts has a holiday album celebrating fried dough from 2004. It’s fresh from the Phillipines, if that matters. Please to praise “Merry Munchkins” ’cause it’s about love. Sam Concepcion, Cheska Ortega and Audie Gemora sing bilingually.

Everybody loves a great pie. Christmas time, pies tend to be mincemeat. We’ll explain why tomorrow. For now, let’s look at generic tarte. A few singers sell the basic pastry, like Mongstar with “Christmas Pie (Christmas Cock Riddim).”  I think there’s chicken in this pie, but it’s got an island beat you can eat to.

Some singers like Music Box improv tell us that “What’s in the Pie? (An Improvised Christmas Song)” is not meat, minced or otherwise. Lively, but in an unbalanced way.

Kirby Heybourne claims his “Wassail & Apple Pie” is other than the traditional as well, but his driving guitar and cracking vocals promise a standard-setting song.

Larke makes “Xmas Pie” about corporations getting their piece of it. It’s not flaky or savory so much as symbolic and censorious.

Coming in somewhere between Barenaked Ladies and Brain Setzer is Fayetteville Ska Alliance with the remarkably fun “Have Another Piece of Pie.” Party pie please!

I’d rather go Victorian for your victrola. “Dame Get Up and Bake Your Pies” comes from the traditions and doggerel of Mother Goose and whatnot. While it’s become popular to delve into the dank origins of why the maids lay and the ducks lost their wings (political scandal and bad health i’m sure), let’s simply listen to The Revels Children’s Chorus lull us into holiday horrors with this rendition:

Sweet Christmas! chocolate

 

Chocolate is a year ’round consideration and has no particular hold on the holidays. I’ve already noted young Charlie Trotter and “The Chocolate Christmas Song” taking a bite out of church. Teehee.

And not to get divisive, but i’ve also already alluded to Smooth – E with “Chocolate Coins” for that OTHER holiday. It’s their currency. (We could mention The Kiboomers with “Sweet Hanukkah Gelt” to ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’ But we shouldn’t.) (Nor should we include Robot Chicken‘s “Hanukkah Gelt Rap” either.)

Devonly Voices also uses their devotional time to praise “All I Want for Christmas is a Box of Chocolates.” It’s all good harmony fun until someone loses a foot to diabetes.

Many kids are prodded into singing for their beans. Shera and Luke bring home their elementary school recital “I Want Chocolate in My Stocking for Christmas” and duo it for us. Good timing. Cute outfits. They seem nice.

Scottish teens noodling in the rumpus room claim to be Sexual Chocolate (the band) singing “Chocolate Christmas.” One feller seems to be playing the lighter. But they do soft rock crack themselves up. Good for’m.

More UK frolicsomeness from Happy Slappy Surprises. “Tastes Like Chocolate Christmas Spirit” celebrates all Xmas saccharine bits. But chocolate resonates resolutely with their jolly britrock rounds. And it only sounds like it’ll never end….

Trout Fishing brings big choco-joy with “Chocolate Christmas.” This wails, rocks, jives, and enrobes with runny brown yumminess. Got milk?

Sweet Christmas! candy canes 2

Well, the legend of the candy cane may be old, but it’s old school. Some 17th Century German priest may have solidified some sugar sticks for wee ones to stuff up their cry holes during Mass. But, at least he added a hook for to remind them of the crosier of shepherds’ staff with the crook at the end. Whether that means St. Nicholas or Jesus is moot, cause we have a whole lotta songs about the symbolism of the candy cane and the Savior.

Praise in Motion features children’s proselytization with simple wiggling movements to keep their tiny interests. “Candy Cane Song” is #63 out of 72 such pieces. But women with dead eyes singing about blood flavoring is not my first choice for introducing the innocent to candy.

Not just for kids! “Candy Cane” by Chris Maney is a modulated lesson is messiahology for those who like to find miracles in the mundane. Count the ways we can find Christ in candy and rejoice. (Or be troubled in how white means without sin… hmm, makes me wonder….)

Very similarly, TJ McCloud goes twangy country with “Candy Cane.” This splash of churchy fun appears uncredited on a few albums, it’s free advice. And he allows you might want to eat the thing.

Last word from Surf Nazis. “Jesus was a Candy Cane” applies all our previous lessons but reminding us to lick the stick, well, the symbology changes. Warn the kids.

 

Sweet Christmas! candy canes 1

A peppermint stick with a handle is your Christmas constant: the candy cane.

It’s been a symbol of the holiday for centuries, so The Kiboomers have a counting game for you little ones. “Five Candy Canes” has less over emoted condescension and more happy for candy singing than most children’s tunes. I give it five candy canes.

Laurie Berken has a sugar/drug-induced vision in “Candy Cane Jane.” Not strictly Christmastide, but wintery nonetheless. Suh-weet.

Plank Road Publishing, natch, has songs for kids to sing at the third-grade assembly about non-secular Advent-ures. “Peppermint Candy Cane” takes the low road to kids’ music with its repetitive, moronic, mish mash of melodic metaphors.

Some mock the easy target of easily identifiable holiday props. Jackisanerd glibly improvs fractions of xmas songs each year into 3-minute ADHD compilations. Last year he extended his “Candy Cane” song into a full version. Yule B Sorry.

Let’s pick up the honorable mantle of popular music now. Little Feat’s Lowell George has an Invasion-flavored song from 1993 that might move you: “Candy Cane Madness” plays with the sweetie like a twirly toy and spins you across the candy counter.

Darius Rucker warms up soft country like peppermint cocoa with “Candy Cane Christmas,” alliteration after my own aorta. It smells of big band, but tastes of easy listening.

Billy’s Pop presents Amo tainting party music with garage in his “Candy Cane.” Short and swell.

Ending with grunge, The White Stripes play “Candy Cane Children” like somebody’s listening. It’s a cautionary tale for angry tots.

Sweet Christmas! peppermint

Candy covers Christmas treats overall. But peppermint gets special attention about now.

Owl City graduates out of Disney pop and approaches alt light with “Peppermint Winter.” It’s fun, then emo, then pop, then rock. Multi-flavored! [But this Adam Young guy has the worst management; this song is included in dozens of cheapie compilations with no credit to the Minnesota electronic wizard.]

Full alt hails from These Are Waves with “Peppermint (The Christmas Song).” It strums through millennial feelings, which can get so complicated this time of year.

College band Ormsby comes to us care of Youtube with “Arsenic & Peppermint.” It’s a good ol’ college try, heavy on the tambourine.

Too many songs piggyback onto the topic with place names that include peppermint. But have to give a moment to Bobby Vinton’s “Peppermint Stick Parade.” It’s jolly and… well musically it’s not much. But it’s jolly.

Also tangential, The Lennon Sisters take a Lawrence Welk break to tell us the tale of “Peppy the Peppermint Bear.” I woulda thought Santa’d’ve more standards than to let an ursine mix the sweets.

The American Song-Poem album really takes it away with the peppermint song possibilities, re: “Christmas Treat, Peppermint” by The Sisterhood.

Outstanding in its own field, Randall Reed with the Forerunners run from reason with “The Peppermint Stick Man.” If ever a Stephen King suggestion flew out of a Christmas song, this would be it. Don’t take my word for it, allow Avoicecrying33 to set up this masterpiece in his own ineffable way (& he takes a minute to get going).

Sweet Christmas! candy 5

The downside of candy for the holidays is intestinal distress, crashing depression, diabetes, and existential malaise. Don’t overdo!

Promising second stringer, Bob Cleghorn, delivers us a prison paean about how there won’t be “No Candy this Christmas.” This tinkly children’s country chorus is clever and fun, but–well, you tell me. Is it a cautionary tale or a sweet nightmare?

In “I Won’t Let You Lick My Candy Bar” Tim Dinkins expresses the old CW power one child has over the other with a sweet treat. But c’mon, that other child punched a dog! Good lord, no candy for him!