Jesus Christ! overwrought

Do you believe scripture and verse about the night in the barn and the virgin birth?

Some songs lean on the lesson a bit too hard and become a bit… shall we say ‘camp’?

It’s country-time harmonizing like the church choir when The Gatlin Brothers pull every loose thread out of the robe of “Sweet Baby Jesus.” They so mean it!

Kingdom Heirs pun up the praise with “Hay Baby.” Fiddlin’, yet serious  fun!

The Statler Brothers poker face the cheese corn out of “Who Do You Think?” Catch the oompah beat and feel the years pass you by!

The Oak Ridge Boys, earnest emissaries of evangelicalism, head the list of the country crown slingers (George Strait, Blake Shelton and Kelly Clarkson, Trisha Yearwood, Alan Jackson, Kathy Mattea, Lee Ann Womack, and Keith Whitley) who have heralded “There’s a New Kid in Town.” It uses vernacular to revere the Almighty: swoon you must.

Jesus Christ! presence

Well, it’s the time for giving, and if you’re fresh out of myrrh–then what?

Well, God gave us his own life… wait that’s not right. He became human so he could feel and die and… wait.

4Him boy bands the message with “Jesus. The Best Gift of All.” Meaningful, if a bit stuck in the ’80s.

The Christmas Kids get behind the notion better with “I Have a Present for Jesus.” (Hint: he’ll need a refrigerator to magnet it to.)

Jesus Christ! poorly worded

Some seriously adoring songs about the Only-Begotten come out all wrong. “Let’s Make a Baby King” takes the punning penchant of CW song writers and makes us regret liking down home humor. Seriously, guys?

I like Jesse Winchester‘s rocking country take. Can barely hear the words.

Hard driving bluegrass from New Grass Revival takes the sting off, as all good bluegrass should. Still creepy.

It’s a woman’s job, I guess, to bear the brunt of the unfortunate turns of the the word and the world. Wynona Judd has a smokey whiskey–almost dangerously earthy–version you should consider. Then find someone to confess to.

Jesus Christ! three on a match

“We Three Kings” gets childish horseplay from the choirboys as a silly bit of doggerel should.

Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors show us the childish way as an immature star should.

Made up band Spinal Tap fumbles through their own I-can-only-remember-the-kids-lyrics mock up. It’s a short bit.

The most fun is the largely unclaimed “We Three Bings” from the Blame it on Christmas album (2000). The song is untouched, but the bing-isms abound bountifully.

Jesus Christ! drum and drummer

Because of David Bowie and Big Crosby, “Little Drummer Boy” got some cultish legs. Their generation gap is so flamin’ famous Will Ferrell and John C, Reilly have a Funny or Die skit bit on their hit (i died). Even Jack Black and Jason Segel pay College Humor homage to that fromage (this one’s animated, but still turgid).

A favorite iconoclasm on the song is to rock it, like Joan Jett and The Blackhearts do (slightly).

A whole cool new musical rebirth is what’s needed, like Jaime Bee and the Royal Jelly Orchestra does so well. It’s almost big klezmer band… so tasty!

Best of all is a parody of a Bob Dylan song about musicians (‘Tambourine Man’) turned inside down by joker Joel Kopischke. Witness “Mister Drummer Boy Man” and wonder how no one ever chanced upon this brilliant commentary on talent/showmanship/fame/pride heretofore.

Jesus Christ! keep away

“Away in a Manger” is a courtly reverence from the late 19th C.

It’s a Death Metal Xmas (I think that’s the name of the group) plays “Away” games meaning Devil whenever it refers to Jesus. What pure anger, what absolute irony!

The Blind Boys of Alabama (featuring George Clinton and Robert Randolph) completely rearrange “Away” with mighty blues and a dawning of the funk. God!

Bob Francis takes it “Away” with a lounge lizard lipping on the Lord. He-e-e-e-y!

The Go Go Boys homosexualize the whole magilla with “Away with a Stranger.” Don’t blush, this is the least explicit of these queer chorusers. It’s almost romantic (for a Christmas vacation hookup).

Jesus Christ! in the hark ballpark

I can’t avoid this forever: most old fashioned traditional boring Christmas carols are about the coming of the King of Kings,

“Hark the Herald Angels Sing” doesn’t get much jiggery pokery, not that it isn’t steamrolled by inappropriate talent.

purenrg puts a Disney caffeinated zing on “Hark” so at least it’s over quickly. But what a teeny mess.

Bob Dylan’s own holiday album from a couple years back murdalizes “Hark” with coffee making (‘he brews’ get it?). Ow-ow-owoooo!

Lounge lizarding the joint up, Jesus Presley (you read that right) smarms the high holy right off “Hark”‘s Godly goodness. It’s all instrumental, so save it for your next karaoke coming out. O my.

Jesus Christ! hoot nanny

The other side of the country coin is bumpkinism. Plain folks may be sincerely holy, but they have humorously illiterate ways.

Lucky Tones retells their mishearing of the Nativity with homey humor. “Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, and Frankenstein” may not rise to the level of Homer and Jethro, but it’s an amateur recording in a back room with good old boys who keep comedy clean. Good ’nuff for me. (What was Frankenstein doing in that manger? Frankensteinly stuff!)