Category: world music

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Softwood Claus

Some musical acts shortchange an audience with simplistic imagery, cliche, and mind-numbing repetition.

Some are just bad.

While on the topic of Santa and trees, a few horrible songs stood out and i thought i’d share them with you.

You don’t have to get me anything.

Half baked and over-miked, Glenn Diamond waits by Christmas Tree, “My Christmas Tree” for Santa to bring something… in my memory. It was all a plodding country dream!

Garnet brings the holiday mood down a notch with the somnolent “Santa’s Christmas Tree.” I wanna say the guy has trouble with English, but–it’s just awful.

Also so off key you can’t listen away, Jean Humanic asks “Santa Sit Beneath My Christmas Tree.” No, it’s not even suggestive it’s so off-putting. Machine beat with a pretty good guitar solo.

Katiah is a bit hyper about her “Christmas Tree” (or, rather, ‘Kwismuss Twee’), but she does know, in kidsong fashion, that tree up = Santa come. The condescension to young people makes me wonder what her o-face really looks like.

Breathy, hesitant rapping (w/o beatbox) “Wrapping up Present By The Christmas Tree” by Aquayemi-Claude Garnett Two Thousand Akinsanya astounds and confuses us with her patient routine around the tree.

Scandihoovian G-MAN hoots it up with “Santa Christmas Tree,” the disco quest of a man for a fir. More might be lost in translation, but maybe you’ll get something out of it. I can’t.

Anthropomorphic Snow Sculpture: kids 4

One sidenote to the whole kids’ snowmen is the big deal 1978 book The Snowman by Raymond Briggs made into a British big deal animated special in 1982 and which plays around Christmastime across the pond every year.

The ethereal ultrasonic soprano song “We’re Walking in the Air” became a 1985 hit for Aled Jones who did not sing it in the cartoon, but released it as a single when a teen. Thirty years later he released it a duet with himself. Freaky.

Andy Burrows dropped a prog rock song “Light the Night” in the 2012 TV sequel ‘The Snowman and the Snowdog.’

The original ‘Walking’ has been coopted by the crystal-gazers as an out-of-body/Wiccan trip. Finnish group Nightwish does an over-orchestrated dance version i could get naked and flail around to. Prog-celtic. (This is lite-metal. Fuller metal like from Woods of Infinity harshes the vibe. Ick.)

Snow Way: coming

Look Out! It’s coming!

Dawn Langstroth regales us with a soulful jazz number “Here Comes the Snow.” It’s hauntingly familiar but totes Christmas.

Amadeus the Gallifreyan’s synth/dance mix “Here Comes the Snow” may be getting us off topic with loneliness and isolation. But i hear hope.

Mustard’s Retreat has a sad sullen “Here Comes the Snow.” They’re breaking up via piano bar country.

Trying to make the best of it Glenn Galen goes dark country lounge with “Here Comes the Snow.” Seems to be trading a downward market for climate change, you ask me.

Raldo Schneider’s “Here Comes the Snow” is a real country John Denver revival. I smell trouble in the bedroom.

Let’s uplift ya a bit with a Beatles’ take off by The Crickets (ten-year-olds) “Here Comes the Snow.” Awww.

Adult enthusiasm from Eric Alexandrakis with his playful “Here Comes the Snow.” Some old world oompah and some pop music badump bump.

Teresa Jennings goes to town at times for the elementary assemblies with her monstrously prolific Plank Road Publishing. Her “Here Comes the Snow” is an Irish barnburner. Great fiddlin’ recommended.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdGpYxGNE0

Parodies’ Paradise: 1999 “Mambo No. 5”

Lou Bega’s mambo and jive dance song (originally by Cuban Dámaso Pérez Prado in 1949) was a hit in the United Kingdom and in Australia, where it reached number-one… stayed at number-one in Australia for eight weeks, ultimately becoming the best-selling single of the year… also topped almost every chart in continental Europe…  number-one in France for 20 weeks (longer than any stay at the top spot ever on the US or UK charts)… reached number 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US on November 2, 1999, giving Bega his only Top 40 hit in the US… seven-year copyright trial between Prado’s estate.

ApologetiX’s scriptural annunciation courtesy of “Micah No. 5.”

Parodies’ Paradise: 1968 “Sympathy for the Devil”

The opening track on the Rolling Stones’ 1968 album Beggars Banquet charted only up to #10 on the US Billboard rock listing… #2 in Finland… Rolling Stone magazine placed it at number 32 in its list of the “500 Greatest Songs of All Time”.

Rolling Stones gather little mock, but juggernauts must be teased at times.

Balderdash and Humbug sub Santa for Satan with “Sympathy for Santa.” Writes itself, dunnit?

Parodies’ Paradise: 1965 “Woolly Bully”

Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs spun up a worldwide success, selling three million copies and reaching No. 2 on the American Hot 100 chart… the first American record to sell a million copies during the British Invasion… stayed in the Hot 100 for a then-impressive 18 weeks… nominated for a Grammy Award… named Billboard’s “Number One Record of the Year” despite never reaching No. 1 on a weekly Hot 100… certified as gold by the RIAA.

The 60’s Invasion have some wintery fun with “Merry Christmas” looking out for Santa Claus. What’d Hattie say?

Tripping Bells: Tetrahydrocannabinol

Our last offering, you may have noted, featured a jolly fella. Since Clement Clarke Moore happened to mention that Santa was a smoker, plenty have sung about what was in that bowl he was bogarting.

Neon has more international frivolity with “Santa was a Rasta.” This is slightly more psychedelic than Reggae, and the MJ references are neatly tucked around the corners. But, mmm–boy, it is fun.

For the full flavor of Rasta hold in “Rasta Santa” by Jah Small as long as your lungs can take it. The effects are immediate.

If you care to overdose, from about the same time as Jimmy Cliff was Harder Coming Jacob Miller and Ray I were losing themselves in “All I Want for Ismus.” Someone open a window.

Drink N.B. Merry: whiskey3

Now for the dark days of the chronic carouser. We’ll spend another month on sheer drunkenness, but for now let’s blame the potent potable–whiskey–for the way things turnt out.

Shawn Brewster kicks off the childhood regret of missing family fun from this time of year. His lugubrious jazz slobberfest “Christmas and Whiskey” whines about being old and cold, but it’s hard to look away.

Maudlin country from JJ Voss also bewails his outcast state in “Whiskey, the Tree, and Me.” Does the drinking help you forget, or does it help you dwell on it? Dude, get a present.

Not quite as weepy, Don Hackney resents California from his down home country soul in “Whiskey Lights of Christmas.” Poor old Doris.

Professor Gall admits “Whiskey was the Medicine (To Get Me Through Another Christmas Eve Night).” It’s a circusy caterwaul in the manner of Tom Waits. Swirly, Shirley.

Adding to the minimalist list of happy holiday helpings, Ray Galindo croaks about “Hot Dogs and Whiskey for Christmas.” It doesn’t help his bluesy needs.

John Bell keeps his blues serious, but Xmases his “Ribs N Whiskey” standard with Christmas lyrics. His weird falsetto and blind flailings make a misery out of this parody, but that’s as it should be.

Garage punk from Jonny Manak rages that “Santa Stole My Whiskey.” It purports to psychedelia, but it’s just prankish boys.

Just as angry, The Fisticuffs punk-mouth that “Santa Smells Like Whiskey.” It’s low class trash, but isn’t that what we pogo to? Oi!

Enough! No way! Irish metal from The Kringles complains there’s “No Whiskey in Heaven (No Ice in Hell).” It’s a tip of the tam to Elvis Costello with a salute to Zappa, but i mean that in the best way.

Drink N.B. Merry: rum2

Your best rum songs are going to be more authentic riddim from the islands. Compare and contrast the J.Buffet’s drunk st. Nick to the one in Rondy ‘Luta’ McIntosh’s “Rum Santa.” That’s 3rd-stage party-fool dancing. Look at what I can do!

Shawn ‘Da Ma$tamind’ Noel rides the rhythm into “What is Christmas Without Rum?” Chortling, whooping, chanting… 4th stage.

Hangovers get quieter. Throwback riddim from Lord Beginner glimpses the big band beginnings of riddim: cool calypso! “Christmas Morning the Rum Had Me Yawning” recalls plantation slave songs for me, so yeah.

Party foolishness springs out of “Horner Rum” by Mere. Parang is the Trinidad brand of riddim. Sorry to lump ’em all together.

Sprangalang growls through more parang “Bring Drinks.” But i can just make out the request to bring rum for Christmas. Probably some of the other days as well.

“Drink a Rum” best encapsulates the abandon of this spirit. The Merrymen make a boy band bit out of the debauchery while still keeping their roots Trinidadian. Lord Kitchener gets more primal here with sloppy vocals and cheap instrumentation. Check out the electronica of the ’60s!