Foul Unadulterated Cantankerous Knavery (BLUE ALERT)

What begins as heartbreak can infect all customary Christmas celebratory delight. She left you, so the whole package can go hang. You understand.

Dave Kilgore deadpans the light rock of “Merry F’n Christmas” adding to the comedy of contrast with his increasing venom. Poor guy.

Skate Punks (SK8PNX) want to go home with you, but it’s not meant to be. So garage rock out the “Merry Fucking Christmas” sadness. But xylophones don’t make me sad, dudes!

HATE Xmas.28

Well, we just witnessed the end of all things. What’s next…?

Let’s bounce back from our hate.

Lewberger Band brings the season’s greetings to bear with “A Christmas Song for the Haters.” Biting of the tongue and forgiveness for all! It’s the rollicking pop folk Santa would do. (finish with a BLUE ALERT.)

Colleen Ballinger (out of her Miranda character) also forgives trolls with her “Christmas Haters” song. But it’s with mean ukulele condescending reading of comments. Pop snark. And kinda hateful.

Phineas and Ferb’s Dr. Doofensmirtz has previously admitted “I Really Don’t Hate Christmas.” Weee! That’s really something, an intense burning indifference.

Shiv Hurrah gives us gutsy garage with “I Don’t Hate Christmas” as much anymore. Roll the credits!

HATE Xmas.19

Other symptoms of sickening sentiment for Advent may include mistletoe.

Brian Fisher and Andy Beck from JW Pepper have brung us the kids’ chorus “Away from the Mistletoe.” Kids hate that stuff, because of the nasty smelling relatives.

Patch the Pirate also ducks down to childsize to admit “I Hate Mistletoe.” Assembly level hijinks ensues.

To save us from children, but not from being childish, Billy Blackflag & His Nihilistic Delusions downplay “Mistletoe is Poison” with garage appropriateness.

HATE Xmas.12

ADvocate! Xmas is a terrific platform from which to wave your own particular banner of beefs. Religion, politics, business, sex, crime… you’ve already got my attention with the green tree and the red suit, so soapbox me, baby, one more time.

Bunny Lido (Blue Alert) don’t like family, but really don’t like ‘consumerism,’ which comes off like vampirism in “Anti-Christmas Assault.” Class credit for beating on that folk guitar as a metaphor for the dead horse.

Rather than urban hiphop, Keith James is class conscious with R+B jazz in “This Christmas Sucks.” The protest is lite, but the poetry is powerful.

Preaching from the Children’s Television Workshop, Oscar the Grouch has already sung “I Hate Christmas” for us. Pondertone goes garage-ish with the same thing. Kids, listen up. Free yourself from the chains bells! (Beware: this song is over half way through the presentation, then ‘Stille Nacht’ haunts us with an air raid siren. Message much?)


Is it fun to hate of the the happiest time of year? Some of these songs pile on, without much rationalization.

Snap-Her punks the premise with “I Hate Christmas.” Why? It’s stupid, that’s why! Yah! BLUE ALERT

Catholic School Girls redundantly inundate us with redundancy in “I Hate Christmas,” a BLUE ALERT speedy screed of garage rage. Just ‘cuz.

Least intelligibly, Lerker throat shreds “I Hate Christmas” to pop metal. Yes, BLUE ALERT. Band practice as anger management.

HATE Xmas.02

Hate, like love, is blind. Not that it didn’t spring from some tainted source, but it blows the misunderstandings, missed opportunities, and misgivings all out of proportion.

Thusly, some ragin’ rationalizations:

Sharpece with House of Breaking Glass R+B gospelize “Worst Time of Year.” Broken heart, baby, hurts worse in a season of love. Munh-hunh.

I’m not sure, but i think Sufjan Stevens’s “That was the Worst Christmas Ever!“–also with banjo, but now more gentle folk–was spoiled due to lack of self actualization (or the dad was an abusive drunk). ‘S-hard to tell with all the new age haiku introspection.

By Surprise go appropriately offkey with their “Worst Christmas Ever.” But, see, it’s a fakeout, bc the ‘worst’ is a distant memory compared to right now–when you’re about to meet the ‘rents. (Girl, ima take it as a bad sign that he’s SO insistent–this may gonna be YOUR worst.)

Sick of Christmas: herpes BLUE ALERT

The gift that keeps on giving! Simplex Two.

Doug (from witness relocation??) reveals “I Got Herpes for Christmas” to his fellow partiers. Skip a minute of banter to get to his winsome folk.

Santa’s Angry Elves apply some metal growling to “Santa Has Herpes and for Christmas He’s Giving It to All the Sluts.” That’s pretty much the whole song right there.

Pooch gets (finally) nasty about it all with “Herpes Infected Christmas Elf.” Based on a true story perhaps? Pop garage. BLUE ALERT

Sick of Christmas: chlamydia

Back by popular demand, the cloaked STD gives the ticking time bomb you may not notice until January, that is when you get “Chlamydia for Christmas.” This dishonorable discharge of a garage rocker is courtesy of the OhNos and should be shared only with protection.

Take a Card: addresser

Grasping at straws we include a (fine) song from Rob Snarski what sings the inscription on the “Christmas Card from a Drunken Sailor.” I wish the (few) cards i got had so much writing in them! Dreamy alt folk.

Country gospel from Christopher Toland honoring “Mama’s Christmas Card for You.” Reverentially formulaic.

Spoken country from Merle Haggard belaboring every detail on “Grandma’s Homemade Christmas Card.” Where’s the 5$?

A Christmas Card from Daddy” by Mike Bryant lets me know what to get Daddy in return: singing lessons! Yikes.

Also all heart and no caliber, Noel Delisle nasal-croons “Christmas Card from a Servicemember.” Quit with the jolly, get guilty feeling.

Same Sex Mary and Jack Johnson bring it home with “Christmas Card from a Gary in Las Vegas.” It’s not a straight parody of the Tom Waits ‘Hooker’ non-Xmas song, but spiritually, it’s beholden. (Eventually it gets ‘billy rager-garage BLUE ALERT [!?].)