Category: country

Get up into the hills, Christmas buckaroos.

Michael Martin Murphey’s ridin’ up “The Christmas Trail” to get home to you. It’s fast, upbeat western with a hopeful edge to the harmony. Like Christmas.

“When It’s Christmas on the Range” from Bob Wills romanticizes the wild into an Albert Bierstadt landscape.

The horizon never ends, wide open sky, infinity–and it’s Christmas.

Poetry results: “Christmas on the Line” follows the streaming consciousness of the herder as ordained by Michael Martin Murphey. Spiritual.

“Christmas on the Plains” is a standard from The Sons of the Pioneers. Here’s a honorarium of that oldie. (Roy Rogers and Dale Evans do it too, with real 1949 acoustics.)

Wranglers gotta work on Xmas–cows need lookin’ after… but the stars in the night sky might give ’em pause.

Gene Davenport gets drawly old school with the buckaroo chorus in “Night Herd Duty on Christmas Eve.” I are not kidding.

The warble becomes a yodel for Mark Baker with the yarn “Christmas Eve on Wolf Creek Pass.” Not sure these frontiersmen have doggies with them, but it’s the brutal, unforgiving West, donchaknow.

Michael Martin Murphey is one the greatest cowboy songsters of these days. His six (shootin’) gold albums outdo Gene and Tex and Marty. I intend to dial up plenty o’ Murphey this month. Try “Ridin’ Home on Christmas Eve” for some of that modern cowpoke harmony.

When asking nicely doesn’t cut it any longer, it’s time to get litigious. Civil cases may not be criminal, but they’re still illegal and stuff. I guess.

Dr. Elmo claims “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants off Santa” for that whole reindeer/grandma kerfuffle. I thought it was granslaughter, but then TV shyster’s got their mitts on the elderly. Cornball country.

The ultimate lawsuit, according to Bill Engvall, uses truck-driving country rock to explicate how “I’m Getting Sued by Santa” for a dog mauling. You’d think ol’ Nick’d have better things to do.

You don’t buy presents for just one person, do ya? So why would you kill just one person at Christmas? Let’s go full Herod and let God sort ’em out!

Angry Johnny and the Killbillies, once again, take us to mayhem-ville explaining why “Daddy Won’t be Coming Home for Christmas.” You know. But it’s rockabilly, so listen anyway. They attempt parody with “Slaughter in a Winter Wonderland” for those who like that sort of thing. BLUE ALERT

Leaning into the pscychosis Santa’s Angry Elves starts out with arson then moves up to “Murder by Christmas Tree.” Those carolers deserved a metal demise.

Captain Bob Frapples didn’t mean to kill… twice. But in the rock pop “Merry Christmas Murder” he’s willing to replace his wife by dressing as her. Anyway the yellow latex Santa hat goes or i go.

Least Christmassy, most murder-y “The Murder of the Lawson Family” (sometimes known as “The Story of the Lawson Family”) wails out the Daddy Lawson murder-suicide of the seven-member clan (a teen-age son out on an errand reportedly missed the whole thing) on Christmas Day 1929 North Carolina. Sharon Needles does this honestly but with old-timey filters and sfx which cheapens it just a smidge. Elephant Micah does this hauntingly with tom-tom and saw. Doc Watson adds a lilting pep to it–traditional yes, but eww. I do like Dave Alvin whose pacing and range adds gravitas. The Stanley Brothers are most reverential with this first of the tellings.

Blah blah blah social networking blah blah big four tech blah blahdiddy blah blah Zuckerberg. You know.

First: even though this isn’t the only social media outlet to sing about, let’s dump a ’12 Days’ parody all over it. The Socialist Series is a webisode biz poking at all things social media, and their “12 Days of Social Media” is actually a bit of fun. There, stop holding your breath.

Randy Franklin gets funky country with his homespun “Facebook Friend for Christmas.” Remember when the number of friends was a sign of personal wealth? Goofy times.

When assigning blame for all the world’s ills, especially when it involves the color of someone else, it helps to pick something seemingly innocuous so that you can hold forth lecturing at length about the involved, intertwining conspiracy which has heretofore gone unheeded.

The problem the angry Christians have today is not lion baiting, or Auto-da-fé, or even ageism–it’s how they’re not appreciated enough. When the accusation of racist can be considered a hate crime, these guys have A LOT to say, cross-plaining to all that would lend an ear.

Mountain Jerry Boy lets loose with “Merry Christmas (Not Happy Holidays)” for your enlightenment. It’s twinkly country with a passive aggressive bent. So get over it.

A bit more Hawaiian, Chris Scott warbles about ‘all that was given’ in “Doesn’t Anybody Say Merry Christmas Anymore?” It’s all family values and Hallmark greetings. Almost no whiffs of resentment… just asking.

Hoorah! We’re lonely! All of us together!

The Memphis Ukulele Band wishes “Merry Christmas Broken Hearts,” ‘cuz folk uke noodling is an indicator Santa will bring you new love. Awful pretty.

Dr. Elmo goes almost legit with “Here’s to the Lonely,” a country anthem to lift the spirits. Or get you to lift the spirits to your mouth.

It’s not just me, it’s the whole household you’ve abandoned! On Christmas! Only Virgin Mary would do that! (Well her parents, but you see whaddeye mean…).

The Growlers extend loneliness to the whole household with “Lonely This Christmas,” a swingin’ Elvis-stylin’ (karate chop!) bluesy rock crowd pleaser. Alan Williams fronts the Rubettes with this as well. Perhaps a dollop more pathos. K.T. Tunstall also warbles through this. More quietly = more endearingly.

The kids! What bout the li’l ones?! George Jones AND Tammy Wynette separately belabor the ordeal with “Lonely Christmas Call,” corning the pone slowly. So, who left whom? Let’s clear the Ol’ Opry stage, however, for offspring Georgette Jones and her lugubrious own offering.