Month: August 2023

X Files-mas: Gnomes

Gnomes may be a newer invention from the Renaissance. Little guys, ya get me? But not dwarves, and not elves. Handy critters, as the word gnomic applies to cleverness. They appear in Narnia, Middle Earth, and Harry Potter. And–of course–in your garden!

“Snow Gnomes” compares them to dwarves and fairies, but as crooned New Age style by Keziah Katerina they are so cute! And they give a shout out to Jesus.

“The Gnomes’ Christmas Night” by Tinsel Tunes makes kid song about these shy things appearing at midnight. Not sure why, just to party apparently.

Brent Burns wonders if Santa isn’t really a “Christmas Gnome.” His critical folk singing is pretty persuasive. By song’s end he throws in the towel.

Also amateur, Melanie Maxwell takes on ‘Fairytale of New York’ for her “Christmas Gnome Song.” Nicely played.

Picnic Day’s “Gringle the Christmas Gnome” is a Russian-sounding dirge replete with scoffs and despair alike.

“The Christmas Gnome” as sung by Mr. Scoops (confusingly, also the name of that gnome) will sneak and decorate your home. –Or make shoes? Then he gets into the booze. Not good.

Status Ferret makes a hero out of “Gerard the Christmas Gnome.” No evidence of his courage, but the plodding/bouncy pop sways me.

X Files-mas: Ghosts future

Dickens may have cornered the market on Advent apparitions, but there are other corners. (Only metaphysical–no metaphors may apply.)

“Christmas Ghost Waltz” by RW Hedges & Luca Nieri summons laughter and dancing in the night. Spooky waltz music like a maddened music box.

All Cannelle wants for the holidays is “The Christmas Ghost” of you. She trundles off to bed whispering with a tympanic lullaby for your essence. What could go wrong?

Drew James dreams of his “Christmas Ghost” and is revisited by all his past memories of family and happier times. Indie wistfulness.

Riffing on Dickens, “The Ghost of Christmas Present Gave Me The Wedding Present for Christmas” by Trevor Sensitive and the Locals imagines the true meaning of Xmas: cool music. Hypnotic indie.

Most upbeat is the dance music from The Ohio City Players in the form of “The Ghosts.” Sing, ghosts, sing!

Alt rocking, MU 330 compares the “Ghosts of Christmas” to those of Halloween. The wintry ones are too real, the autumnal ones too fake. Cue the depression.

“Christmas Ghost” by Le chat au café tinkles a cute stringy invitation to whatever’s on the other side. Cool? Gross? Doesn’t matter!

X Files-mas: Ghosts present

In ‘Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ we hear about scary ghost stories as an Xmas tradition. Apparently we did that before radios and TV.

Don’t believe me? Check in with Astro Al’s “A Victorian Christmas Ghost Story.” This spoken word yarn is backed with discordant anti-music and punctuated with melodrama. Seems like a Hamlet step-dad problem.

POV of the ghost! Aidan Moffat & RM Hubbert tell “A Ghost Story for Christmas” with easy listening indie vibes. A lover’s loss revisits and he seems unaware despite her decking the hauntings with love. Pretty sad stuff.

Missin’ their darlin’ Pine Hill Haints ramble a ridiculously good rant in “Ghost of Christmas Past,” a restless night of regret with rockabilly bluegrass.

Ben R and Drake C are “Chasing Ghosts on Christmas.” Alt-folk that won’t let love go, even when it’s cold.

Wild Earp & The Free For Alls admit “I Saw a Ghost on Christmas.” Turns out it was that lost love. The tango music, however, makes a game of the loss. Watch out for that final cruel twist.

The “Christmas Ghost” who visits Charlotte Moroz & Guy Capecelatro III offers gifts, but no wisdom or explanation. Her longevity, however, is impressive. She visits the same girl from age 5 to age 80 and somehow offers cheer. Haunting folksy pop.

Karling Abbeygate boop-boop-a-doops “Santa’s Got a Crush on Me.” The love triangle with Mrs. Claus tragically takes a turn and it’s Ghost Santa who will be visiting the home wrecker this Christmas. Defanged rockabilly.

Patrick Canning gets truly weird with his pop rocking “Christmas Ghosts That Dance Forever.” He’s the ghost, but doesn’t want to be around those other ghosts. Sprinkle his ashes somewheres else please.

X Files-mas: Ghosts past

Okay okay okay, ghosts for Christmas hearken back ‘A Christmas Carol,’ the Dickens story that restored his popularity in 1843. Mean anti-christmasser gets a tweak from his conscience so repents. No Jesus whatsoever, just humanness, then forgive and forge ahead.

“Marley’s Ghost” by Manual Cinema introduces the 1st of the 4 haunters with indie synth aplomb. Sad old tormented soul. Boo hoo, y’know.

“Ghost of Christmas Past” strangely uses ‘Hark the Herald’ to tear open old wounds. Majestica fronted by Tommy Johansson metal-pops the journey of redemption. Long solos. [Diggin’ dat? Check out the whole A Christmas Carol album from ’em.]

Also awesome is A VHS Christmas Carol with the introductory ear worm “I’m the Ghost.” It’s the Scrooge story updated with pop music anachronisms like we like.

New Age affect from the ever ethereal Enya makes “The Spirit of Christmas Past” extra spooky.

Elizabeth Chen fills out the pop with “Ghost of Christmas Past.” This is a metaphor for a failing loveship with only memories to bolster it. Sad sad sad.

Erin Zindle & The Ragbirds appeal to the “Ghost of Christmas Future” during the Pandemic in order to determine how Christmas will pass in 2020. Symphonic pop with an edge.

Dance time! The Yule Logs tear up the floor with “Walking with the Ghost of Christmas.” Sampling ‘Rocking Around’ they get caught up in the visitation and just go with it.

Comedy time! TV’s Kyle resuscitates Carol with his bebopping pop “Ghosts of Christmas.” Existential crisis! Will you repent?

Canned Hamm and Friends get borderline sacrireligious with their homage to “Father Son and Holy Ghost.” This pop monster explains the holy trinity like it’s a law firm. Hilarious.

X Files-mas: Frankenstein’s Monster

I’m not the sort to pick nits over pointing out the monster has no name and the creator does. You can infer from context clues which is scary. It’s Christmas after all.

When the monster wishes for a brand new bride from his ‘father,’ it’s “Merry Christmas Frankenstein.” Wm Matt Miller’s indie rock seems a prelude to some rock-opera, but we need to move on.

Lucky Tones smuggle in some comedy with misheard scripture concerning gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, and Frankenstein” is the corny country result. Rather than magi, they figure villagers (with pitchforks).

Josh Reim combines precious video game style melody with distorted metal vocals for “Frankenstein’s Holiday.” Weird.

X Files-mas: Dragon

May have touched on Christmas dragons once before. Time to get to it for reals this time.

Dragons are just stories when it’s “Christmas in the Shire.” Brendan Dalton & The 1740 Boys Choir soft rock our merry hearth. Then there’s a wizard knocking at your door….

“Frosty the Dragon” from PerCy Nevers clumsily mashes up ‘Puff’ and ‘Frosty.’ So doesn’t the new guy melt or not?

Fugli’s “Santa’s Got a Dragon” assesses the reindeer situation and finds them wanting. So, with a bit of metal, he rocks the turbo upgrade for sleigh deliveries.

On that note Mediera chants about the dragon mode of delivery in “Christmas In The Realm.” Pop metal.

Johnny & The Raindrops want something different for Xmas. “I’ve Got a Dragon” reveals the ups and the downs of a boy’s Xmas ask. Make a wish and blow out the house fire!

“Retchfire the Christmas Dragon” from Mozart Rottweiler with Sinister Undertones twists the metal with synth reverb. Sure it sounds scary. But I can’t make it out.

Within Temptation’s “Gothic Christmas” aggrandizes ol’ St. Nick to the point where he’s slaying dragons. Cool. Retro pop.

Robby Grant wants to help Santa and the elves so he will summon and “Fly on Christmas Dragon” to get there lickety split. The welcome isn’t exactly warm, though. Prog rock with disco moments.

X Files-mas: Dracula

Christmas vampires are going to fill up a entire post or two, so let’s give additional attention to the big daddy of all of Stoker’s invention.

Howsabout a little comedy from Team Four Star? “A Very Hellsing Christmas” features Alucard (Drac in disguise) murdering Santa then facing the consequences. Somewhat funny.

S’more comedy from Red State Update. We already featured “Dracula Doesn’t Have Ebola for Christmas.” So let’s rewind the clock to the bit “Dracula Got Ebola on Christmas Special.” The big joke is the hit song referred to doesn’t exist. But the comedy includes the antithesis, including the extra number ‘Dracula Salad.’ BLUE ALERT, too. Song writing tips gratis.

As Dracula bums a smoke at the arcade Christmas scenes already set, begins “Dean Martin” from Lovers Turn to Monsters. Sets a sombre mood in contrast to the holiday times. Indie gloom.

Another casual allusion to the Big Bad is in Cledus T Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas is Two Gold Front Teef.” He’ll be like pimp Dracula! Countrified parody.

Some of the laziest humor comes from funny accents. Dracula Sings! makes hay with the Euro-trash vocals for an almost parody: “Unholy Night.” BLUE ALERT

What we’ve been looking for is “Dracula is Santa (Scary Christmas)” by The Palace of Auburn Hills. This tinny club rock is light and breezy.

X Files-mas: Cthuhlu

From a 1928 short story in Weird Tales, a mythos was born. The giant octopus-headed man/dragon was a world killer, god, personification of doom and suffering. Chicks dig that.

The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society kick things off with their adorable “Carol of the Old Ones.” Switch a few words around and Bob’s your uncle.

From the same group comes the more menacing “All I Want for Solstice is My Sanity.” Beware the involuntary giggles and gibberish.

More fun, is their “It’s the Most Horrible Time of the Year.” These songs are more about us than them, ’cause they are inconceivable, ya see.

Josephus get appropriately metal for “Cthulhu Christmas.” Game over, man.

“Oh Come All Ye Old Ones” from the Dagon Tabernacle Choir is a runaway train.

“Oh Cthulhu” sung by those same guys is the most fun we can have with the subject. Fitting parody.

One more! Suprise Flapjacks floor me with fast paced rock-pop “All I Want for Christmas is Cthulhu.” It’s catchy.

X Files-mas: Chupacabra

The goat sucker doesn’t get much attention around the holidays.

BLUE ALERT! Diablo Dan raps crap about Santa in “Mr. Santa.” This includes bragging about sexually destroying the Mrs. Tearing that shit up like imma motherfucking Chupacabra. So, good times or what?

John Walsh and Nick Kroll narrate “Chupacabra’s Feliz Navidad” as a personal message to this regional creature. But this Señor Wences bit is for a baby monster. And there’s anti-Semitism (ironically, but still).

Nudist Colony attempts to out lowbrow this mess with an actual parody of ‘Feliz’ in his “El Chupacabra.” If i had other offerings, i’d skip this one.

X Files-mas: Bigfoot

Bigfoot is the official cryptizoid mascot of the Pacific Northwest, the new bumper sticker craze. Ol’ Sasquatch is a symbol of lost wilderness and banished aboriginals, but we all pretend to root for him anyway around here. Merry Cold Times, Dude.

“Bigfoot Noel” from Streaking in Tongues is spoken poetry to set our sober yet melodic mood. Pretentiously pretty.

“Sasquatch is Coming to Town” is NOT a parody, but a Minnesotan country rocker from Bo Allen. This snowmobiling sack-carrying wookie is actually what brings the toys to good girls and boys. Believe. (But not in the last two minutes of credits and outtakes.)

Uncle Jess and The Rippers completely rock out the animals’ Christmas party somewhere in the woods made awesome by the dancer of the hour and his “Bigfoot’s Christmas Shoes.” Go, Bigfoot, go, go, go.

Just like the difference between typhoons and hurricanes, we own our giant hairy apeman identity here in the Western Hemisphere. But “Bigfoot and Christmas” seems set in The Alps (Yeti??). But, it’s about true love–so an honorary spot for Mark Perko’s folk trudge of a story. Caution: yodeling attempts.

Poor misunderstood shy guy! Cornpone novelty country from Jack Franzen tells how everyone suddenly understood this monster and so “Bigfoot Rides with Santa.” Problems with Act 3….

Cat Named Norris attempts rap in “Christmas with Bigfoot.” Big dance number. Nothing else to recommend it.

Ben & Tucker have solved the problem of sucky Christmasses; Bigfoot ruined ’em. “Bigfoot Why?” they holler in unplugged rocking fashion. The rest is silence.