Mall World: pedo

Tell me it’s not so! Mall Santa’s touching!!

No Assumption metalicizes the pedophilic tendencies of the giving oldster with their “Mall Santa.” They’ll none of it.

The Buglies dramatize that nasty fiend with booming laughter in “Santa’s Lap Dance.” Excuse me while i go wash. Garage atonal porn.

Not exactly forgivin’, but appreciative, Lil Poverty Angels unload their word jazz electronic rap on “Santa’s a Dirty Old Man.”

Mall World: drunk

Mommy, there’s something wrong with Santa Claus–he’s sweating, swearing, and spewing! Ok, kids, 2003’s ‘Bad Santa’ rocked our ironic socks off as the saint was portrayed by the skunk. But it was only quote-unquote funny because we knew it to be possible. What kinda loser takes THAT job!?

Henry McGoo seems to be “The Second Santa at the Mall.” Garage rock from Honecomb Bunker takes us back to those good old days of glue-sniffin’, gun-totin’ old guys trusted to kids.

Blotto in the Grotto” is the best illustration of this nightmare. This music-hall brit-pop comedy from Little Timmy Tinsel & The Fairy Lights rollicks a rock-’em sock-’em scene from the department store. Hey, is that Dad?!

Mall World: not him

Worse than finding out that Santa isn’t who the media make him out to be, is finding out that guy in the mall is somebody else altogether.

The Kids get American rock with their punk attitude singing about how “The Santa at the Mall” sounds a lot like their Uncle Paul. Crushing Christmas revelation!

If we’ve learned anything from TV, we know the Bart Simpson terror of discovering it’s dear old dad who’s the “Mall Store Santa.” The Old Salts make it worse with this bluesy rock recounting of the old man perp walked by the cops out of the mall.

Mall World: complaints

Kids may not appreciate the whole sit and wish mall Santa scene. How far do they push?

Krismas Kookies barbershop quartet the list of travails with their “Shopping Mall Santa.” It’s like being fired for malfeasance in a monotone.

The mall under construction is but the first of the troubles for “Steamrolled Mall Santa” by Birthing Stirrups. Punk observations of an absurd corporate season-scape.

Howard Morris returns to his “Department Store Santa (After Xmas).” The same tune, the same tadpoles, but some bitter vinegar for the part-time employee (is he being accused of sex-trafficking?!). Rockabilly country.

Mall World: uninnocent

One of the biggest problems for the mall Santa is keeping up with those crazy kids. The pre-teens wanna be smokin’ and drinkin’, the single digits wanna be too cool for yule, and the toddlers wanna be Kim Jong-Un. Where’s the youthful purity?

Sean Madigan’s “Mall Santa” has gun-toting, broken-family psychos to whisper in his ear with this easy-going rock bopper.

Howard Morris’s “Department Store Santa (Before Xmas)” has to grow up fast in this rockabilly spoken-word comedy 1960 classic.