Sweet Christmas! fruitcake 5

One repetitive gag for the good ol’ fruitcake song is the receptive concept of regifting this puppy. Spoiler alert: you give it away forever! You might get it back! It’s in the postal system for eternity! Heangh-hrrou!

Plank Road Publishing has an entry here.”Everlasting Fruitcake” is a bit more fast paced than their usual careful constipation for dumb little kids. I could dance to this one.

Pat Boone is so old by now we can’t tell if he’s phoning it in, or if he’s being puppeteered by greedy descendants when he sings (makes up) “The Fruitcake.” Give the geezer credit, with this ratatat listing of everyone who regifts, he’s going for stroke.

The San Francisco Gay Men’s Choir whoop it up with “Recycle the Fruitcake.” The pageant is the thing wherein we’ll lampoon every queer stereotype with a winkity-wink in-on-it we can flounce it and you’ll never really get it costume excess-roy. Hoo boy.

Duck Logic Comedy overplays the joke with “The Fruitcake (I Hate Fruitcake).” And it takes half the song to get to the revolving part of the joke. But more musical talent than humor wins out here.

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Like lines at Disneyland, mothers-in-law, and foul-mouthed children, fruitcake is the lazy man’s joke–presuming, assuming, and subsuming a cultural unspoken menace that is spoken. Some of these jokesongs are wastes of time.

But what else are we gonna do?

The Fruitcake Song” has been passed around to churches and artists of some talent, but Kirk Talley hits the nail on the head with his wokka-wokka zip-zing smirking hamminess. It’s funny to somebody that sneaking this gift to the dog ‘would be a sin.’ I guess. Yawn.

Bill Engvall must have whiplash from patting himself on the back so hard for his “Fruitcake Makes Me Puke.” He’s run a punchline into a three minute country song that has to be a holiday hit cause he said so.

Dr. Elmo supplies motive for why grandma might be targeted by reindeer with “Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake.” Channeling Ray Stevens adds to the bounciness of this howler, but the quality of the video says it all.

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Some supposedly supportive songs on fruitcake are bad numbers on purpose, or they are the so-called left-handed compliment.

The bombast of M. Ryan Taylor’s “Ode to a Fruitcake” makes me suspicious. People don’t usually snigger at operatic recitals, do they?

A couple of street corner blues croakers apply their “Fruitcake Song” lyrics metaphorically to sex. They want some, but not that kind.

Spongebob Squarepants spends a few seconds touting “Hot Fruitcake” on his holiday album. It may be tongue in sponge, however.

Bubble Gum Becky from Mighty Magic Pants explodes “Someone Ate My Fruitcake!” at a high school talent holiday shindig. She wanted that dish, but if you listen carefully, she didn’t. Mold, blah, yada, blah.

Cookie Cutter Girl rocks her “Fruitcake Song” rolling out the cornucopia which includes our humble sweetbread. But little digs here and there make me question her hunger levels. This hails from the annual Seattle drag-comedy holiday revue show ‘Ham for the Holidays.’ It’s your basic show stopper.

Here’s something else you don’t see every day… for the holidays ’15 Oregon Lottery tried a Fruitcake scratch-off which did as well as anything else. Their promos from AdJab featured half songs supposedly from an album [Spirit of Fruitcake vol. 4] including “Not on My Table” (country), “What’s that Fruitcake Doing Under My Tree?” (’70s power ballad), “(The Holidays Aint Nuttin) Without My Fruitcake” (electric funk), and the most positive: “Merry Christmas Fruitcake” (lazy lounge lothario). Hey now!

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A mixed beginning, but let us accentuate the positive. Some songs refer to the fruitcake as a good thing all told… at least as good as holly, and rooftop reindeer, and caroling–the standbys we expect.

Disney stands for the traditional: “Toot Suite, Christmas Treats” recites a Goofy-sized list of goodies (including corn flakes) to eat this time of year. Fruitcake is in there too.

Mannheim Steamroller also orchestrates a menu of expected activities for Christmas, including fruitcake with “The Fruitcake Song.” It tags in wacky then runs back to harmony.

Many a high school choir cracks up their audience (parents) with a winter performance of “The Fruitcake Song” which applauds the messy melange. Despite years of the TV show Glee, most of these affairs are clumsy and embarrassing. One Madrigals‘ team styling seems to mock the sincere formula of the song. The kids here are having fun and don’t look stoned at all.

Dead serious, are Eraserheads, ‘The Beatles of the Philippines.’ Their “Fruitcake” is Invasion-tastic, but hardly about the dessert or the December day. And their video is a hard day’s night.

Let’s Devo it up with The Superions. “Fruitcake,” like the most appreciative songs here, lists the ingredients. Done.

Fergha and Robyn are just trying to get a song recorded. It could be about anything. It’s about a suitcase full of fruitcake. “Fruitcake” uplifts. Leave it at that.

On the other hand, fruitcake is where you can get your extra rations of alcohol. Michael Lusk partakes of “Grandma’s Loaded Fruitcake” in a harmless boot-scooting country style. Cheers!

James J. ‘Jimmy’ Wisner aka Kokomo doesn’t care who knows what he loves from gramma in “The Fruitcake Song.” This reggae/folk-style sing-a-long echoes rap styling and I almost feel like contributing a verse when it comes around to me.


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Time is nigh to study the most easily identified (or 2nd or so, next to milk and cookies) sweetie mcpetey for the holidays: FURITCAKE.

As early as Roman times, fruits were mixed into sweet dough and baked. But with the advent of cheaper sugar, a preservative of fruits, the ideas of plums and cherries in December became too confectious to pass up. I mean, apart from preserves, you didn’t used to get a good chewy mouth-fructing when the snow piled high. Your insulin missed the rush. It was exciting to get it during dark days.

Today we have world-wide shipping, and freeze drying, and of course tons of canning. When people born around 1900 later became grandmothers they were still churning sugared-fruit laden wheat treats out like they remembered their moms bestowing upon their greedy tongues in days of yore gone by. Then the comedians, like Johnny Carson, started sarcastically to point out that we don’t appreciate tradition, ’cause now: Twinkies and Fudgey Whale cakes and crap like that.

I’m not saying you have to try it or like it, i’m saying–when’s the last time you made one or ate a slice of actual home-made, lovingly crafted fruit cake?

So–a few days on the f. sugarbomb.

Let’s start with the idea of the old lady and her tradition.

Mrs. O’Leary’s Fruitcake” is brought to you by Ruby Murray, a jewel of the Emerald Isle from the 1950s. It’s detailed, improbable, and quite Irish–an old cabaret tale. Pat Harrington does this more deadpan, less lilting.

Mrs. Hooligan’s Christmas Cake” becomes a crowd-pleasing folk happening for The Spinners. Not quite the same song–more threat of death by cake here. And more sibilant sound effects (spitting). The incomprehensibly accented version is from Clinton Ford. The Charles Peake music hall overly serious version claims provenance from Finnegan’s Wake. 

Actually it’s a variant of the original “Miss Fogarty’s Christmas Cake,” which inspired James Joyce sommat. Willy Brady relates this without smirk. Tommy Mulvihill quicksteps this business like he wants to jig away the calories. Mick Moloney slows this down as if chewing his way through an entire slice. Steel Clover snarks it up making me wonder if this is what Irish sounds like with a Bronx accent. Stan Ransom swallows the lyrics in favor of featuring a fine mandolin backing. Seamus Kennedy returns us to standard basso monotone. Brass Farthing‘s is flat yet lively, Golden Bough‘s is tinny yet earnest, Danaher Cloud‘s is spastic, yet authentic, and The Poxy Boggards‘ is multimedia overdone. Altogether inedible, nae? Surely you will not listen to all these. So, settle for the brand you know: The Irish Rovers party through this high disrespect with brave militaristic merriment. They make Irish sound musical. And their instrumental outro is just madness.

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Some songs take the Christmas cake half-baked. Then there’s perfectly moist, a balance of tart and sweet, with right angles.

Cheat day: some songs sing cake and mean something (fruitcake) else. But if they only say cake then they may stand tall here in this category. So it goes with Arrogant Worms heralding the immutability of “The Same Christmas Cake.” Piece on Earth!

Christmas cake = home for Dulanka Nayanajith. Not sure where his home is, but “Christmas Cake” rocks it lounge style. This should be boring middle-of-the-road ‘music,’ but it satisfies my cake urges. Thumbs in!

Also from outside our borders Fresh Creek Dance Band transports us to the Bahamas with “Mama, Bake the Johnny Cake, Christmas Coming.” Feet be shaking while cake be baking. (If you’re xenophobic, here’s a nice school kids’ version to keep time to.)

Sweet as sugar, Rachel Debattista croons “The Christmas Baking Tray” detailing the process of making, baking, waking the cake in all of us for Christmas. Nice ice baby.

Heavy in my rotation is Rilo Kiley’s “Xmas Cake.” This ballet of new age misery sweeps around the room like the spatula of heartbreak, icing and neatening the confection of concern just for you.

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When it comes to Christmas, i say CAKE and you say something about produce that hangs off a tree.

Cake is fine any time, though.

And so is reggae. I know we just had a slice, but Jamaica Jam bakes up “Christmas Cake (In the Oven Baking)” as a dance party for the holidays and for the children and for the holiest of holies having a birthday. This beats out Adu Deme & Dave Azi just a dred with their more solemn “Christmas Cake.” (No cake in the song, mon.)

Punk pokery takes place under the auspices of The Yobs with “Who Had All the Christmas Cake?BLUE ALERT These boys are unhappy about the cake eaters who may or may not have come down the chimney. While we’re down and dirty, Swaggy G white-child-raps “Christmas Cake” in which this seasonal treat somehow represents his ass.

Hey, did that cake come from home–or did it come from Christmas? Red State Update has a brief reminder about how your eating habits affect your holiday bliss with their “Christmas Cake.” Miss you boys!

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Some of the mince pie Christmas songs are a bit of all right, as the Anglos say.

Alan and Brian take up the bet of musicalizing the top of mince pies and trundle out “Mince Pies.” Light pop music, but clever just a hair, and musical more than it needs to be. Epic even. Cheers.

A sort of sequel “Mince Pies, Gas Mark III” features Brian and other churchgoers staccato-splaining the makings and shakings of pandowdy in question. this time we go beyond epic to mini-musical leading us from auntie’s ovens to the Nativity. Mercy!

Trevor Storey shows you what metal music, 64 bits, and a love of mince pie can do for songs in “Mince Pie.” Hang thy sock; bang thy head.

Best in show is the Blackpool reggae stylings of Wozza and “Mince Pies.” It’s a party is a pastie! (Warren Jackson’s video is sum fun as well.)

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Minced meats shoved into a pie with fruits and exotic spices came from the Middle East to UK after the Crusades. Since that was the Jesus place, it became a holiday tradition. And because those were heathens, the meat got left out. Nowadays mince pie is just a hairsbreadth from fruitcake, although for this baked goodie the brandy is usually drunk in a glass and not sucked out of raisins. Oh, and there’s suet.

Amateurs thus borrow the symbolism of this Xmas dessert to tout their own tiny troubles. Dylan Evans sings “Mince Pies” moping about the depressing business of holidayism. It’s heartfelt, but not filling.

Byron Kuiter and Alexander Cartwright frolic through the ironic “Mince Pie Song” holla-ing about this pinnacle of pie-ty. Basement pop props, but please.

The kids’ traditional recitation throughout the British Isles would be “Five Mince Pies” here presented by some corporate thing called Children Love to Sing. Count it down and don’t forget to shout out your own name to fill in the blanks.

The least you can eat is Foot and Mav funning up Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ with “Mince Pies.” You don’t have to clean your plate, but is this not tasty?

Sweet Christmas! pudding, doughnuts, pie

Other confectionary carols?

Well, let’s skip ‘We Wish You’ with its oddity of asking for figgy pudding… although, Plank Road Publishing has some classy antique school-kids’s song entitled “What is Figgy Pudding?” which is as good an excuse for a song as any around the non-ecumenical holiday singing assembly.

Dunkin’ Donuts has a holiday album celebrating fried dough from 2004. It’s fresh from the Phillipines, if that matters. Please to praise “Merry Munchkins” ’cause it’s about love. Sam Concepcion, Cheska Ortega and Audie Gemora sing bilingually.

Everybody loves a great pie. Christmas time, pies tend to be mincemeat. We’ll explain why tomorrow. For now, let’s look at generic tarte. A few singers sell the basic pastry, like Mongstar with “Christmas Pie (Christmas Cock Riddim).”  I think there’s chicken in this pie, but it’s got an island beat you can eat to.

Some singers like Music Box improv tell us that “What’s in the Pie? (An Improvised Christmas Song)” is not meat, minced or otherwise. Lively, but in an unbalanced way.

Kirby Heybourne claims his “Wassail & Apple Pie” is other than the traditional as well, but his driving guitar and cracking vocals promise a standard-setting song.

Larke makes “Xmas Pie” about corporations getting their piece of it. It’s not flaky or savory so much as symbolic and censorious.

Coming in somewhere between Barenaked Ladies and Brain Setzer is Fayetteville Ska Alliance with the remarkably fun “Have Another Piece of Pie.” Party pie please!

I’d rather go Victorian for your victrola. “Dame Get Up and Bake Your Pies” comes from the traditions and doggerel of Mother Goose and whatnot. While it’s become popular to delve into the dank origins of why the maids lay and the ducks lost their wings (political scandal and bad health i’m sure), let’s simply listen to The Revels Children’s Chorus lull us into holiday horrors with this rendition: