Neckbeard the Halls with Boughs of Holly Scented Oils

“Must be Santa” checklists the features of Kringle (white beard is the primary), and it’s a children’s singalong staple. But when Bob Dylan powers up the polka machine and rocks the house, eyebrows must be raised. If you view the video, explain to me why Mr. Zimmerman has Barbra Streisand hair.

Recover with the micro-pop of Johnathan Mann’s “Creepy Santa Outside the Hair Salon.” Dude has written a song a day for years, so this is like thinking out loud for him.

In “The Ugly Sweater Song,” Henry Holyfield x DoeTheUnknown has a list longer than Santa’s beard. But gets R+B rap distracted by the titular jumper.

Miles Maxwell (feat. Gary Zimmer) tells THE REAL STORY of S.C. in “Santa Claus is Real.” He begins before his Santa beard could grow… but covers centuries quickly with pop song. And gets a bit extrapolative.

I Want a Pogonotrophy for Christmas

“Don’t Go Pullin’ on Santa Claus’s Beard” is the schtick-y country from The Oak Ridge Boys. Is this advice for good manners, or merely a way to keep off the naughty list?

More suspicion from Ryan Marchand in the form of the ukulele comic folk “Santa, Is Your Beard Real?” I mean, you smell like beef and cheese….

The Drop Shadows not only believes, but in pop “Solidarity With Santa Claus” they also grow beards (for December).

Merry Chin Tuft

ESL Games brings us a silly way to teach adjectives to any child. But “Santa’s Beard” uses kidsong to create fluffy clouds of animal shapes on Father Xmas’s face, and now i’m scarred for life.

Floff play the nonsense word ploy for their light indie blue grass “Santa’s Beard’s Gone Grey.” Boom dicka adjicka. That’s good face fluff.

Willis ‘Daddy Wings’ Pinney & Reginald ‘Ras Regg’ Martin stomp the parang with their “Santa’s Beard.” It’s not only iconic, it’s itchy.

Goatee Tell It on the Mountain

“Santa’s Beard is Stuck in the Chimney” IS a line in the Birthing Stirrups garage screamer. Santa’s still attached, too. But it all winds up all right.

BOOSB is the band’s name, as well as the name of their song: “Beating Off On Santa’s Beard (Beavue Cleavue cover).” This punk garage seems to think revenge is best served close. I wouldn’t….

Weird with a beard? Try The Lumberyard country caterwauling about “The One’s Who Dwell in Santa’s Beard.” As metaphors go, it went.

Do You Beard What I Beard?

Santa’s Angry Elves reveal the real reasons circling “Santa’s Beard Conspiracy“: to cover up his hairlip. Tea spilled in this blues-rock!

Bluesy rock from Charlie William Boyd recounts tribulations up the wazoo from the big guy’s in “Long White Beard, Red Suit (Santa’s Lament).” He’s called names, he’s pulled over, and he’s soooo full of milk and cookies… Troubles!

Like my Santa-personating Snoopy T-shirt says ‘Chicks Dig the Beard.’ Jody Quine divas the pop “Got My Eye on You, Santa.” Mostly on the beard, the way she sells it.

It Came Upon a Midnight Beard

Dadaist experimental word salad from Limp Dick and The New Christians, “Santa’s Sweaty Beard” seems to have no beard in it at all. Only vulgarity.

Perhaps all the mysteries of the holidays are powered by “Santa’s Magic Beard.” Stardeath and White Dwarfs approach psychedelia with their pop xylophone puffery.

“Santa Claus with His Long White Beard” is wacky big band reconstruction by Kathy Reid-Naiman. The wah-wah hatted trumpet is fine foolery. …and splat.

Don’t Be a Scrooge with That Scruff

Lachlan MacLeod is greener ‘n the Grinch over “Santa’s Gnarly Beard.” Ukulele indie idolatry for Mr. C’s white stuff.

“Santa’s Beard” by Keith Pendergrast is hard folk kidsong about some psychedelic episode some kid had with worms, a Coke, and a cat. If it were just animals each day for 12 days, i might get it. But this nightmare (of what’s UNDER the jolly one’s chin) is no joke.

Christopher Smith’s kidsong takes us on an adventure through “Santa’s Beard.” The treasures in that mess (and i don’t mean last night’s dinner)! Some fun.

Beard of Good Cheer

Preston Penn lead with their chins in the children’s rock’n’roller “Santa’s Beard” from 1965. He always wears it, kids. In case you were wondering.

The Quaint & The Curious turn green (and incarcerated) over the comparisons betwixt their own and Santa’s. The ukulele easy listening plodding seems at odds with the unfairness that “Everyone Seems to Love Santa’s Beard.”

Whale Holiday Marching Band served up a song parody of Cake’s ‘Short Skirt/Long Jacket’ way back in ’01. “White Beard/Red Jacket” points to the prime features of the Great Giver. The Enablers and Friends wore it better in 2015.

We Whisker You a Merry Christmas

Hairdos and don’ts make up human civilization. The follicular top o’ your head may have a function (thermoregulation/UV screen), but what you do with that stuff says a lot about power and sex. It’s a choice.

More so with facial hair. As half of us don’t have that (and those that have do so only after nubility, so to speak), this is solely a mating display. Let’s not limit ourselves to the  intersexual attraction (attracting females), but also consider the intrasexual competition (intimidating rival males). The bushy ‘staches and bountiful beards signify wisdom, strength, or homelessness. Who’s got the worldwide attention of pognophiles? Yahweh, Jesus, Mohammed… and Santa Claus. (Buddha and John Smith shaved as a message for something or other.)

So, here’s to holiday plumage (mostly from the neck up)! We must kick it off with Santa… sure sure sure.

Santa’s hippie-like hisuitsm has been overseen once before on the blog.

Otis Gibbs also has his doubts in the authentic country music of “Lookin’ Like a Hippie.” That’s some fine fiddlin’

LN & AND spell out for us how much God and Santa look alike with the thoughtful indie “Santa’s Beard.” It takes about a minute.

Royalty Free Lyrics “Xmas List”

Let’s go out the way we came in, with a mash-up of phrases and lines lumped together like it’s a thing. I do have so much left over.

Xmas List

As in olden days
One horse open sleigh
Before I melt away
Rock the night away

Felice Navidad
Hanukkah
Mele Kalikimaka
And Kwanzaa

To the top of the wall
Hark the herald
Do you recall
Ya filthy animal

Frosty the snowman
Pat a pan
Winter wonderland
A dumpster truck through a nitroglycerin plant

Winter in the air
In Jingle Bell Square
By the chimney with care
A triple dog dare

Christmas cards
Strike the harp
Beautiful star 
Advent calendar

Escape the fate
I can't wait
Don't be late
Celebrate

A bad little tree
Santa baby
Shouted out with glee
Stuck in a chimney

What Christmas means to me
Little Donkey
Stop the Cavalry
Epiphany

The First Noel
Carol of the Bells
Our gay apparel
Call him Emanuel

Feast of Stephen
Prancer & Vixen
Goodwill toward men
No man is a failure who has friends

I made my family disappear
Filled with holiday cheer
Singing loud for all to hear
A four alarm holiday emergency here

Certain poor shepherds
Flexible flyer
Bleak midwinter
Wish I had a river

I see a vacant seat
Pick up your feet
Gift receipt
Everyone you meet

Christmas Eve
His head like a wreath
Nutcracker Suite
My two front teeth

We have heard on high
Better not cry
Christmas in July 
Pumpkin pie

2000 miles
Meeting smile after smile
Mercy mild
Seasick crocodile

The Newborn King
Pipers piping
One little thing, a ring
Finest grifts we bring

What's this?
Making a list
Christmas kisses
Adeste Fidelis

With your nose so bright
Finally kiss goodnight
See the lights
Snowball fight

Shake hands with--
The Wet Bandits
Bob Cratchit
Christmas spirit

Mary did you Know
Mambo Santa Mambo
Jesu Bambino
Children go

Jolly happy soul
Ancient yuletide carol
Thirty-nine and a half foot pole 
Silver and gold

Santa's workshop
Last minute shop
Up on the rooftop
Watch the chestnuts pop

'Twas the night before
Doesn't come from a store
Are ya thirsty for more?
To keep me warm

Gingerbread house
Santa mouse
The bumps hounds
Bumbles bounce

Gloria 
Must be Santa
Jelly of the month club
Only I didn't say Fudge

Jingle jangle
Light of the stable
We're despicable
The shitter was full

In any event, check this list for possible end rhymes for your own songs.

What’s the upshot? Looks like I’m an angry old man with only words for weapons. Keeps me off the streets, anyway. And i never got around to ‘Cosmo Quiz: What Holiday Are You?’ or ‘All Songs About Christ are Christmas Songs’ or ‘The Tree Came Back’ or ‘Dueling Bells’ or ‘Dreidel Deathmatch’ or ‘When Superman Opens Batman’s Xmas Present’ or ‘Christmas Spellcheck’ or ‘Christmas Savings Time’ or ‘Well, That was the Worst Christmas Job I Ever Had.’ Maybe later.

Bye-ee.