Year-round Yuletide oddities
Why stop at shooting one?
“Whoville Massacre” by N4TURALS is that kind of death metal where the message is in the bleeding ears.
Nurf (Feat. moonie & Emilyn) go melodic psycho kidsong with “Santa’s Little Helper.” This helper helps murder everyone, ‘cuz she got socks. Damn.
Welcome back Angry Johnny & The Killbillies bemoaning in rockabilly how “Daddy Won’t be Coming Home for Christmas” because of all the people he shot and killed. Apparently the shopping didn’t go well.
Santa wants to kill them, but The Cakewalk’s got a gun, so in the meatlistic “Christmastide” it’s a Mele Kalikimaka standoff. Don’t blink.
Teenage Disaster has a gun, but it’s “A Disatrous Christmas” for everyone. Everyone seems to get shot here, including you. Metal but spoken.
Joby the Artist has a BLUE ALERT confession: “This Christmas (I’m Boinking Santa).” After yearning and dirty details, Santa (the slut) is caught with the brother’s wife… Ergo, time for a gun (and a knife?). Slow indie pop.
Gotta flashback for a minute to Angry Johnny and The Killbilles, the kings of feral, backwoods Xmas gunplay. “Six Bullets for Christmas” is a psychobilly take on curing infidelity, while “Bang Bang Baby Bang Bang Merry Christmas” is the same but the knee jerk reaction of catching them in flagrante delicto. Nobody hurts so good.
The Vaudevilles rockabilly the tale old as time: “I Shot My Baby for Christmas.” What’s he going to get her?!
Santa with a gun? Who’s shooting whom?
4 Aspirin Morning ska rap “Santa in a Ski Mask (Stick ’em Up It’s Christmas)” with all the womp womp of a club band. I had the time of my life.
Some dandy beach pop from Ryan Seabass defuses the whole “Santa’s Got a Gun” scenario. What, me worry?
Happy rap from Eiqu claims “Santa Claus was a Gangster.” Preferred a nine if memory recalls. Left bodies as much as gifts. Reformed later.
Shouted rap from The Benefit reveals what it’s like to be “Gunned Down by Santa Claus (I Didn’t See It Coming).” Honestly, it’s over before you know it.
fkbambam & Wxrmz get mighty BLUE ALERT rapping about “MRS CLAUS,” a demanding bitch, as well as Santa with his Tommy gun. Time to order online.
“Santa’s Got a Gun” is the big reveal in Watkins & the Rapiers bebop pop rock number. You’ll want your dance shoes on for this one.
Santa and guns?? Who’s getting shot?
Somebody named Grandmaster was waiting with the rooftops in his sites for when “Santa’s Here Again.” Dread metal from Infinity Greenhouse.
“Shot Santa in the Back” is amateur pop from Wheelchair Full of Old Men. It’s not safe for working sanity.
Viva Joaquin cleans up the professionalism with banjo and blame in “Someone Shot Santa Claus.” It was Old Kringle’s fault, the perv.
Weege & The Wondertwins roll out the ragtime for “Daddy Don’t Shoot Santa Claus.” It really begs with soul.
Andrea True Revival (feat. latenightbagel) try some electronic rap (sound like spoken lyrics in the sociopathic “Santa Died In A Shootout.” Tough stuff.
“Santa Claus Just Got Shot” is the repetitive rap from Shaq Queso (feat. Donnie Preoccupied). It’s rough Northside.
Little Brenda Lee has her water pistol gun to get after that negligent gift giver in “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus.” See, no presents for the poor kids instills retribution. Honky tonkin’ for reals.
Johnny Preston responds to a little kid crooning “I Want a Rock ‘n’ roll Guitar” but insisting: you want a six gun like The Lone Ranger has. The kid wants rocking nothing to do with that. Kid wants to be on TV. You know how it is.
Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys deconstruct the honky tonk with “Santa is on His Way.” Amongst his swag is a cowboy gun for you.
‘Weird’ Al Yankovic’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy” is classic (overplayed?) rock about atrocity. Santa goes after the workshop with a shotgun. The usual.
Aidan Ryan’s punk update on “Santa Baby” includes My ex’s number, An airsoft rifle and many other red flags. Uh oh.
More shooting in the hood from Chris Leland’s “Santa Claus Bag.” Ouch.
Satanic metal from Bestial Crown observes the niceties of gifts: A toy rifle, New earrings, A cute dolly, A new watch… not carcasses and slimy bugs like you’d expect in “A Wrapped Christmas.”
Time for some urban retribution. King Aiden raps Ak47 what I want on my wish list I need guns for protection hold up load up that little clip in the tinkly, almost jovial “Hood Christmas.” Better safe than surrounded by alive people.
“Sleigh Ride Drive By” from Coolio and Meredith Brooks is just a ‘Sleigh Ride’ cover with some commentary. Intent is there. I guess. And a laugh track.
Boosie Badass (feat. YFN Lucci & Rich Homie Quan) promises–through rap– I’m gon’ get some more guns in their “Christmas List.” More suffering , more rapping.
RHL_KT sounds more melodic and low key, but with a ‘mag’ he intends to ‘light ’em up,’ by which i think he’s going to shoot down your decorations. Plenty of other code indicates you may not survive his need for weed in “Hood Santa.”
IT’s all downhill in the concrete jungle. “Dark X-mas” from Mikael Englund is R+B rap with some pretty melody, but some monstrous fate for the Fat Man and the kids for that matter.
Rucka Rucka Ali adds Tchaikovsky for a lighter element in “Twas the Night Before Kwanzaa.” Santa confronts two homies with a knife and a gun… until Suzi shows up with an uzi. Ultimately no man left that night, without a cap in his ass! So, like presents–?
Why do we need a brand new Jesus, a “Brand New Christmas“? Hot Chocolate gospel/disco raps why–To take the gun out of the fighting hand, To take a little away, from the greedy man. ‘Seasy!
Trouble with money, trouble with drugs, trouble with being “Lazy,” yet Jay Stunner claims: This Christmas I done bought errbody a gun. Yer standard BLUE ALERT rap.
Greg Volk’s folk pop “Have a Maga Christmas” might be straightforward, it might be ironic (lots of ‘whatever‘s), but it does suggest Gun-right garland, whatever that might be.
Sum 41 & Tenacious D ups the ante with an expectedly ridiculous metal screaming list in “Things I Want,” a solid gold Harley with machine guns on the front included.
Garrett Forge needs cheering up around this time of year, in fact a “Cup of Cheer“–or twenty. But he watches all the right shows (Ralphie gets his B.B. gun), or he has to–the kids insist. He’d rather watch the bowl games. Perhaps another cup… poor sloshily spoken pop singer.
Eddie Money goes middle of the road with the ‘rocking’ “Everybody Loves Christmas.” My daughter Chealsea wants a doll that talks; Little Johnny wants a BB Gun. Wake up, Eddie… you don’t have a son Johnny. (Oh, he’s dead? never mind.)
Joe Diffie’s somewhat-country “Mr. Christmas” also delivers A Barbie doll and a little toy gun. Not to much acclaim, it would seem. Somnolent pop.
Guns are called to silence by prayer by John Denver in “Christmas Like a Lullaby.” Easy Listening country to put you to sleep.
“A Gun for Christmas” by The Brown Christmas seems to recount an actual gift with tragic results. Hard to tell through all that garage synth. Just as well.
Tweaking and plunking, “Don’t Shoot, It’s X-Mas!” by Colemanworld comes in at the bare minimum of a song about something.
The _____ Hunters growl and slobber their garage way through psychopathy with an Xmas wish for “My New Gun.” It’s not pretty. Boys will kill boys.
Despite the warning not to fear “Tofu for Christmas,” Dad’s grabbing his gun! Tofu Vibrations punk that metal to make their point. I’m afraid.