Year-round Yuletide oddities
ESL Games brings us a silly way to teach adjectives to any child. But “Santa’s Beard” uses kidsong to create fluffy clouds of animal shapes on Father Xmas’s face, and now i’m scarred for life.
Floff play the nonsense word ploy for their light indie blue grass “Santa’s Beard’s Gone Grey.” Boom dicka adjicka. That’s good face fluff.
Willis ‘Daddy Wings’ Pinney & Reginald ‘Ras Regg’ Martin stomp the parang with their “Santa’s Beard.” It’s not only iconic, it’s itchy.
“Santa’s Beard is Stuck in the Chimney” IS a line in the Birthing Stirrups garage screamer. Santa’s still attached, too. But it all winds up all right.
BOOSB is the band’s name, as well as the name of their song: “Beating Off On Santa’s Beard (Beavue Cleavue cover).” This punk garage seems to think revenge is best served close. I wouldn’t….
Weird with a beard? Try The Lumberyard country caterwauling about “The One’s Who Dwell in Santa’s Beard.” As metaphors go, it went.
Santa’s Angry Elves reveal the real reasons circling “Santa’s Beard Conspiracy“: to cover up his hairlip. Tea spilled in this blues-rock!
Bluesy rock from Charlie William Boyd recounts tribulations up the wazoo from the big guy’s in “Long White Beard, Red Suit (Santa’s Lament).” He’s called names, he’s pulled over, and he’s soooo full of milk and cookies… Troubles!
Like my Santa-personating Snoopy T-shirt says ‘Chicks Dig the Beard.’ Jody Quine divas the pop “Got My Eye on You, Santa.” Mostly on the beard, the way she sells it.
Dadaist experimental word salad from Limp Dick and The New Christians, “Santa’s Sweaty Beard” seems to have no beard in it at all. Only vulgarity.
Perhaps all the mysteries of the holidays are powered by “Santa’s Magic Beard.” Stardeath and White Dwarfs approach psychedelia with their pop xylophone puffery.
“Santa Claus with His Long White Beard” is wacky big band reconstruction by Kathy Reid-Naiman. The wah-wah hatted trumpet is fine foolery. …and splat.
Lachlan MacLeod is greener ‘n the Grinch over “Santa’s Gnarly Beard.” Ukulele indie idolatry for Mr. C’s white stuff.
“Santa’s Beard” by Keith Pendergrast is hard folk kidsong about some psychedelic episode some kid had with worms, a Coke, and a cat. If it were just animals each day for 12 days, i might get it. But this nightmare (of what’s UNDER the jolly one’s chin) is no joke.
Christopher Smith’s kidsong takes us on an adventure through “Santa’s Beard.” The treasures in that mess (and i don’t mean last night’s dinner)! Some fun.
Preston Penn lead with their chins in the children’s rock’n’roller “Santa’s Beard” from 1965. He always wears it, kids. In case you were wondering.
The Quaint & The Curious turn green (and incarcerated) over the comparisons betwixt their own and Santa’s. The ukulele easy listening plodding seems at odds with the unfairness that “Everyone Seems to Love Santa’s Beard.”
Whale Holiday Marching Band served up a song parody of Cake’s ‘Short Skirt/Long Jacket’ way back in ’01. “White Beard/Red Jacket” points to the prime features of the Great Giver. The Enablers and Friends wore it better in 2015.
Hairdos and don’ts make up human civilization. The follicular top o’ your head may have a function (thermoregulation/UV screen), but what you do with that stuff says a lot about power and sex. It’s a choice.
More so with facial hair. As half of us don’t have that (and those that have do so only after nubility, so to speak), this is solely a mating display. Let’s not limit ourselves to the intersexual attraction (attracting females), but also consider the intrasexual competition (intimidating rival males). The bushy ‘staches and bountiful beards signify wisdom, strength, or homelessness. Who’s got the worldwide attention of pognophiles? Yahweh, Jesus, Mohammed… and Santa Claus. (Buddha and John Smith shaved as a message for something or other.)
So, here’s to holiday plumage (mostly from the neck up)! We must kick it off with Santa… sure sure sure.
Santa’s hippie-like hisuitsm has been overseen once before on the blog.
Otis Gibbs also has his doubts in the authentic country music of “Lookin’ Like a Hippie.” That’s some fine fiddlin’
LN & AND spell out for us how much God and Santa look alike with the thoughtful indie “Santa’s Beard.” It takes about a minute.
Let’s go out the way we came in, with a mash-up of phrases and lines lumped together like it’s a thing. I do have so much left over.
Xmas List
As in olden days One horse open sleigh Before I melt away Rock the night away Felice Navidad Hanukkah Mele Kalikimaka And Kwanzaa To the top of the wall Hark the herald Do you recall Ya filthy animal Frosty the snowman Pat a pan Winter wonderland A dumpster truck through a nitroglycerin plant Winter in the air In Jingle Bell Square By the chimney with care A triple dog dare Christmas cards Strike the harp Beautiful star Advent calendar Escape the fate I can't wait Don't be late Celebrate A bad little tree Santa baby Shouted out with glee Stuck in a chimney What Christmas means to me Little Donkey Stop the Cavalry Epiphany The First Noel Carol of the Bells Our gay apparel Call him Emanuel Feast of Stephen Prancer & Vixen Goodwill toward men No man is a failure who has friends I made my family disappear Filled with holiday cheer Singing loud for all to hear A four alarm holiday emergency here Certain poor shepherds Flexible flyer Bleak midwinter Wish I had a river I see a vacant seat Pick up your feet Gift receipt Everyone you meet Christmas Eve His head like a wreath Nutcracker Suite My two front teeth We have heard on high Better not cry Christmas in July Pumpkin pie 2000 miles Meeting smile after smile Mercy mild Seasick crocodile The Newborn King Pipers piping One little thing, a ring Finest grifts we bring What's this? Making a list Christmas kisses Adeste Fidelis With your nose so bright Finally kiss goodnight See the lights Snowball fight Shake hands with-- The Wet Bandits Bob Cratchit Christmas spirit Mary did you Know Mambo Santa Mambo Jesu Bambino Children go Jolly happy soul Ancient yuletide carol Thirty-nine and a half foot pole Silver and gold Santa's workshop Last minute shop Up on the rooftop Watch the chestnuts pop 'Twas the night before Doesn't come from a store Are ya thirsty for more? To keep me warm Gingerbread house Santa mouse The bumps hounds Bumbles bounce Gloria Must be Santa Jelly of the month club Only I didn't say Fudge Jingle jangle Light of the stable We're despicable The shitter was full
In any event, check this list for possible end rhymes for your own songs.
What’s the upshot? Looks like I’m an angry old man with only words for weapons. Keeps me off the streets, anyway. And i never got around to ‘Cosmo Quiz: What Holiday Are You?’ or ‘All Songs About Christ are Christmas Songs’ or ‘The Tree Came Back’ or ‘Dueling Bells’ or ‘Dreidel Deathmatch’ or ‘When Superman Opens Batman’s Xmas Present’ or ‘Christmas Spellcheck’ or ‘Christmas Savings Time’ or ‘Well, That was the Worst Christmas Job I Ever Had.’ Maybe later.
Bye-ee.
Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)
Manger Mad Libs
1 Away in a OCEAN, no BEACH for a NEST, the COASTAL Lord HAWKSBILL, laid down His GREEN SHELL; the SEAS in the CURRENTS, RAN down where He SWAM, the ADULT MALE HAWKSBILL, MOBILE on the BAY. 2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing, the Baby HATCHES, but little ARCHIE CARR, no DIGGing He MATES. I LAY Thee, JACQUES COUSTEAU, look DEEP from the SCUTES and BREED by my EGGS until DIVing is nigh. 3 Be near me, AQUARIST; I MIGRATE to stay close by SAND forever, and EMERGE, I WEDGE. Bless all the dear CLUTCHES in Thy SNAPPING BEAKS, and PADDLE for DEEP SEA, RETRACT with Thee there.
Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.
Let’s try rewriting an actual song! This was my Christmas card for 2023, and it caused some confusion as i never said in so many words that it was based on the ballad of the legendary John Henry, the steel driving man. Now, that’s a tune!
The Ballad of Kris Kringle
Kris Kringle was a little elfling
Sittin’ in zero degrees
He picked up a doll and (a) wooden choochoo
Said: ‘Toys’re gonna be the death of me, Lawd Lawd
Toys’re gonna be the death of me’
Jeff Bezos said to Kris Kringle:
‘Gonna bring that AI on shift,
Gonna bring ChatGPT on the job
Gonna outdeliver all your gifts, Lawd Lawd
Gonna outdeliver all your gifts’
Kris Kringle told ol’ Siri:
‘A Saint ain’t nothin’ but a man,
But before I let your block chain beat me
I’d die with a present in my hand, Lawd Lawd
I’d die with a present in my hand’
Kris Kringle said to his reindeer:
‘Rudolph, why don’t you sing?
I’m throwin’ down chimneys bikes and baby dolls,
Just listen to that sleigh bell ring, Lawd Lawd
Just listen to that sleigh bell ring’
Kris Kringle said to Google Bard: ‘Hey
Google, you’d better pray
‘Cause if you miss that little ghetto boy,
Tomorrow’ll be your buyout day, Lawd Lawd
Tomorrow’ll be your buyout day’
Alexa said to Kris Kringle:
‘We think this chimney’s cavin’ in’
Kris Kringle said to Amazon: ‘Hey, Man,
That ain’t nothin’ but my reindeers zeroin’ in, Lawd Lawd
That ain’t nothin’ but my reindeers zeroin’ in’
The man that invented the Turing Test
Thought he was mighty fine,
But Kris Kringle made billions happy
And SantaBot only handled nine, Lawd Lawd
And SantaBot only handled nine
Kris Kringle barnstormed the suburbs
Delivery was striking fire
But went so hard, he broke his sleigh’s harness
He smashed up his reindeer and he died, Lawd Lawd
He smashed up his reindeer and he died
They took Kris Kringle to the North Pole
And they buried him in the snow
And every child’s mother comes along by
Says: ‘There lies such a nice boy, Lawd Lawd’
Says: ‘There lies such a nice boy’
Well, every Christmas mornin’
When the carolers start to sing
You can hear Kris Kringle’s joy start to rise
You can hear Kris Kringle jingling, Lawd Lawd
You can hear Kris Kringle jingling
I originally started with the idea of Santa Claus vs. AI, because it’s everyone vs. AI here in The Digital ‘Twenties. The idea percolated (or festered) without going anywhere in particular for a few weeks. Then John Henry came to me from somewheres and I did that switch-words thing for a bit. So, here we are.