Year-round Yuletide oddities
Christmas Day may be a time of peace, but not peace officers so much.
While “The Court’s Closed on Christmas” has more to do with The Eradicator’s need to play squash, i like how the obscenity makes it blur into a more urgent urban need for justice. At Xmas.
Sky Saxon does not want to spend “Christmas in the Courtroom.” Bluesy mushmouthed ‘billy brings conscience to the fore, just like it should.
Out of fireworks for the holidays?! Load up the Official Daisy Red Ryder Range Model 1938 Air Rifle BB Gun and blast in the Lord!
Angry Johnny and the Killbillies go ’round the neighborhoods “Shootin’ Snowmen” as a Christmas tradition. A little C4 for a carrot nose and voila!
Some forms of theft get their own genre. Well, maybe not grand theft sleigh…
Or–? “Santa Took My Car” is the island-themed pop from Duck Logic Comedy about what a bro’ does with borrowed posessions.
Scott Campbell goes for a flying joyride in the pop’billy “Christmas Crime.” What a ride.
Still not to the 20th C with the advent of the gramophone and the oppo to hear full orchestration in the parlour at home whenever you feel like it.
The 1920s made the recorded platters more available with all that easy money of the Jazz Age. 1922 drops Edward Hare with “Santa Claus Hides in the Phonograph” a speech to amaze the wee ones. More of a song (mad rhymes anyway) from Harry E. Humphrey with “Santa Claus in Your Phonograph.” Both of these overlong demos end with actual music (Hare’s with ‘JBells’; Humphrey’s with a lively musicbox tinklefest–and mad laughter).
The Mangles deliver a “Turntable Under the Tree” with a punk ‘billy rock collection for all your audiophile needs. I’m goin’ ’round and ’round, too, catchin’ up with their twistin’ list of playables.
I knew of some odd Xmas songs concerning automobiles and one thing lead to another. For all the roadster rock, however, there were as many trucker numbers about helping out delivering presents. And also some inbetween the category bits. What else is on the back lot?
How could i forget Lindsey Buckingham’s overtired “Holiday Road” from that one movie that time? That’s right, it’s NOT about Christmas! Not even when The Stone Lonesomes put in on a Christmas album with all the ‘billy you could ever want.
2 Live Jews parody ‘Frosty’ with “All Used Car Salesmen.” Funny, but no mention of holidays.
“Toboggan Boys” from Steven Courtney is not tired, but has a Beach Boys tribute that won’t quit. They’re movin’!
Farmer Jason digs deep into country pop with “Santa Drove a Big John Deere.” How’d i miss this cornpone?
“Christmas in My Car” reroutes the topic to the suffering of the homeless via Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. No Kisses for New Years). Conscientious rock.
From the blues side, Matt Roach starts with Christmas in my car for “Christmas Blues ’95.” He gets around, but he’s not happy.
Bryan Kennedy is more down home with the plonkity-plonk in “Santa Drove a Dually.” The fiddle sells it. Cody Romshok goes electric with this.
Molly Starlite & The Sputniks saunters through “Hot Rod Christmas” without the need for speed. Slo-mo ‘billy.
Roadster rock should sound like Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts. Or is “HotRod Christmas” just a bit too familiar?
JD McPherson parallels without pause in “Santa’s got a Mean Machine.” Jolly jazzy big band ‘billy. Go go go. Gone.
Naughty words weren’t enough for my dark days. Soon enough I started scratching an ultra-violence itch for holiday songs. Killing and dying’s not so bad for Xmas; i figgered, Jesus did it for all our salvation. So let the jolly times rest in peace.
Taking Tim Allen too seriously, Danny Gonzalez plans “I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus” so he can become Santa Claus. It’s all contracted out. Witty white boy rap.
Angry Johnny and the Killbillies have that old fat bastard in their sites with “Santa Gets His.” Rated: Holy God That’s Violent.
The Gatorhogs get drolly pop offkey with “Empty Chimney,” an eulogy for the missing present-guy. Habeas corpse?
Be patient with Watch Out for Rockets’s “Santa Quit Yer Foolin’ Around.” This pop-billy story leads you though Claus-icide of another gender. Foolish, but noirish.
Red State Update parody up Led Zepplin’s metal with “In Santa’s Time of Dying.” In memoriam kringle. (Settle in–this goes the distance.)
But, seriously, Santa–have you got a minute to talk about the dead? Diana Williams chats through the 1977 in memoriam “Goodbye Bing, Elvis, and Guy.” They dead, Santa. They novelty Christmas music dead.
Not quite about any particular historical event, the industrial pop “Assassination on Xmas Eve” by Archers of Loaf gets covered here and there. I like it by Into It. Over It. After the intro it’s breezy folk pop.
Jesse Maximum (Jmaq) knows a guy who knows a guy who can hook you up with “Murder Pie (For Christmas).” Unaccompanied jazz skat. He also has a robopocalypse number with “Iron Bells.” Murdered by the machine.
It happens. Even on THAT day. Nitro prog rocks “Johnny Died on Christmas” with just the right amount of hair. Angelic choir. Metal solo.
Down in the dumps of merriment, Ciggy Pudding BLUE ALERT bemoans “Merry Fucking Christmas, I Wanna Die.” Techno for kids. Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs live-wail up the blues more assertively for “I Wanna Die for Christmas.”
Melancholic unto dire ends are Atomic Neon (w/6.6.6. and Angel of Night) with “We Die at Christmas.” Get it over with already, all that goth garage drawn out folk messiness.
Incarnation alert! Barnes and Barnes growl out the carol “The Angel of Death is Near.” Ho ho oh oh.
The Big Message of Mortality comes from The Axis of Awesome. “Snata Claus” is a dirty old menace who might ‘choke your parents dead.’ Fear the homeless for Xmas!
Big finish with more Angry Johnny and The Killbillies with their coolcoolcool ghoul-billy take on redneck justice for the jilted with album and lead song “Bang Bang Baby Bang Bang Merry Christmas,” the story of inflagrante destructo; also “Big Ol’ Hole for Christmas,” a tale of where you’ll wind up out in the woods ‘cuz of your cheatin’ ways; and “Six Bullets for Christmas,” a hint about your gift–ya hussy! Man, there’s more from these backwoods maestros, but that last one is so jolly, i can’t go on.
Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.
With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.
The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.
Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!
Blah blah blah hate Christmas, who cares other lyrics–big hit. Right? Or these:
Michael George Sippo is playing at singing, so his “I Hate Christmas” (Blue Alert) is an exercise in rhythm machine doggerel. What was the question?
Half a minute of metal screech makes a sorta song “I Hate Christmas” by Collision. Gets right to the pointless.
Lovely hair metal (parody?) from Whiplash gets the gang joining in on “I Hate Christmas.” Redundant sing-along fun.
Aussies Weekend Rockstars madlib out the rockabilly pop with “I Hate Christmas.” It rhymes so hard it makes you believe in its song-like qualities.
Authentic hillbilly rock infuses rock’n’roll with fervent energy and usually an underage girl.
All i got is some weak juice rock wannabes with ‘billy proclivities.
Government Yule sells their “Christmas Card” as a naughty but nice message from a hot young thing to an overseas man. The hot guitar licks are muy suggestive.
More fun is some rock lilt in “Christmas Card in July.” Pat Ryan is too morose (read: country) for real rockabilly, but i like the confidently repetitive guitar here. Strange idea.
When you don’t know what they want, when you don’t have the time, when you don’t care–
Big bald whiteys Super Secret Project beg you not to get them crappy presents. To Pachelbel’s Canon in D minor SSP go all in with “Cash or a Gift Card.” Not that’s a carol.
Some live it and love it. Kyle’s Xmas is a show sponsored by Colorado Public Radio. This year he brags it’s gonna be a “Gift Card Christmas.” The reason for the season.
Black Jesus is sending you love telling you to “Open up the Gift Card.” BJ54321 means it from the bottom of the envelope.
Lil Poverty Angels return with the problem “Who Took My Christmas Gift Card?” BLUE ALERT Not playing. Rap.
Thao Nguyen (with Maria Bamford) gets really country over the dilemma of “The Gift Card Song.” The illogic of it all!
The Snake Oil Willie Band make a fun joke out of “Gift Card.” Bouncy rockabilly excuses.