Year-round Yuletide oddities
Let’s all take a breath from the naughtiness with some made-up words to stand in for the bad shit.
One of the most anime wallpapered youtube redoes is Frickin A’s “Merry Frickin’ Christmas.” Pop hating on the weird fam.
Bowling for Soup power rocks the rage in Bowderlized con mots with “Merry Flipping Christmas.” You KNOW what they mean. Haha points for self reference.
You wanted the real dirt?
Certainly Denis Leary should be revisited for his funny study in contrasts “Merry Fucking Christmas.” It’s like something for the kids! In the ’90s!
More angrily, Corey Taylor middle fingers all y’all with his “XM@$.” You’ve been abused with classic rock tinged with country folk, you fool. Dance!
DIY your own Christmas wrath!
“Dan Zig Hates X-Mas” from Dan Lorenzo slows his metal roll for a steamroller ride over the presents. 1st gear to get our footing.
Zebrahead island-beats their “Deck the Halls (I Hate Christmas)” with punctuations of comic pop refs. ‘It’s not for everybody’ ain’t hatin’, so much as toleratin’.
Sorrowful Angels go full retro rock (so percussive!) with their “Anti Christmas.” This is a thing, gang, usually on the solstice, but hating everything our own Pro Christmas stands for. (More with Satanism, later.)
Let’s go to the place people die, the hospital. Why would you go there?! At Christmas time?!
Feist from A Colbert Christmas album, has a lovely folk-version paean about being on hold during prayer, but i read it as being in the er hoping a nurse will finally help. Listen to “Please be Patient” and test that theory.
Larry the Cable Guy is more grisly with his parody “Call a Doctor.” He’s got no friggin’ hand!
New Orleans-man Louie Ludwig might be a bit too late… “Christmas at the Hospital” is slow blues rock… ‘but you’re not there.’ Now what does that mean?
Some health conditions are more serious than others. One complaint you wanna triage out of the herd for special attention is the Christmas heart attack. It’s bad enough the other 364; today it’s inconceivable.
Detroit garage rockers The Fondas lean into the roadster ‘billy with “Christmas Heart Attack.” Pretty sure this is just a frame of mind.
Philly rocker Matt Roach tootles some Americana for us with his heartfelt “Holiday Heart Attack.” You were naughty, Santa put coal-esterol in your arteries.
Celebrating the end of the year like Henry VIII? Maybe you’ll develop painful extremities, too!
This subject raises the level of fun. Observe The Likes of Jeff Pittman compromised yet celebrating “Christmas with the Gout.”
Well, i certainly enjoyed my times listening to “This Christmas Everybody Gets the Gout” by Rock, Paper, Cynic (ft. Tico Souza). What a hoot of a folk rock message, antic and able. You have to go there to see what i mean.
We’ve had our ups and downs and now we have to wonder what to (or not to) wear.
If you want a tip, listen to Paul Revere and The Raiders. Folk rock par excellence from 1967. “Wear a Smile at Christmas” they doth protest. All done up!
How Best to render the terribleness of the item? Listen (or run!):
Yakking to the smell of “That Ugly Sweater” The Spoons revel in revulsion with chimey syn-co-pa-ted pop music.
From the same radio station contest, Alan Frew and Sam Reid parody the 1986 Bryan Adams led Glass Tiger hit ‘Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone)’ with “Ugly Christmas (Sweater Song).” Poppy, peppy, mediocre.
Ugly and we know it! claim the “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” as related to Joke of All Trades. Lounge piano lite jazz presenting a shopping list of what clutters up your front.
Face Vocal Band just hates “The Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Country pop is cerainly the way to underline how bad this embarrassment is. (Doesn’t even match his eyes.)
Blues is more apropos. Ultra cool JD McPherson’s latest thing (His Holiday album Socks) wafts some Hawaiian guitar into a jazz fusion lament: “Ugly Sweater Blues.” Mama!
Let’s just say it: this is a punishment for naughty joes and jaes. Leonard Balistreri’s Mistletoe Conspiracy zips out a fine retro e-z listening rock “Ugly Sweater” with vim and vinegar too.
What else can we deck you out with?
Conventionally, we bejewel to formalize the outfit. So we’ll allow The Christmas Pranksters to joke around with ‘Jolly old St. Nicholas’ to warn us of a “Big Fake Diamond Necklace.” It’ll turn your neck green!
But i still want you warm. If you will,follow me to the Bandcamp site to listen to “Mittens from Heaven” from tvallier. This electronic lite pop is worth the detour.
Vince Ah is provoking you with his cry to “Borrow Your Scarf.” Still, he cares for you this holiday what with his pop music and all.
Matt Swift unpluggedly rocks out the concern that you not be alone. He wishes you well and “Hats and Scarves” to keep you this Christmas.
Yeah, rock and roll is all over the place. The Beatles AND The Rolling Stones AND Little Richard?!
Let’s start with Beatles inspiration, then. Filipino group Another Paul Band (get it?) has a romantic ballad “Christmas Card” to win your heart, girl. Very light rock.
Hard driving folk can be rock’n’roll. Adam Plost’s “Christmas Card of ’42” takes us on a hollerin’ tour of WWII and the precious cargo of that letter from home in his pocket while fearing for the worst. But his card home will reassure you, so long as i never tell of the horrors I’ve seen. So, that’s different.
Light rock, almost prog rock, from pulmonary fibrosis suffering amateur Donny P. “Home Made Christmas Card” is heartfelt, but the guy’s on an oxygen tank.
Leaning out of rock gets easier every decade. Sounding equal parts Bowie and alt-rock, “Father Sgt. Christmas Card” from Guided by Voices goes a bit psychedelic, but bangs on the guitar just hard enough to rock it. Yeah, what is it about?
Technically garage rock (more later) The Hombres have the pedigree of the ’60s for their cult status, and their “Last Christmas Card” is Ennio Moricone plunkity folk with a bleak theme. No, i can’t hear the lyrics either. But that’s (B-side) rock to me.