Year-round Yuletide oddities
When Jesus Roosevelt Christ was born, no one gave gifts. Okay, some randos showed outta nowhere couple weeks later… but were beedays observed with bikes and socks back in that day? don’t think so.
“Jesus Got Nothing for Christmas” is the new wave offering from Hank Green, that vlogger (you really should Crash Course again) who seems to be able to be funny and everything (irreverently).
So what’s a bloke to do when Santa doesn’t come through?
Hoggles Jewelry recounts that time Santa just disappeared in “Fran Spoils Christmas.” This is a sneaky garage party tune, so don’t worry if you wanna party ’bout it.
Tell Santa that the malfeasance wasn’t your fault, honey. RuPaul ameliorates her admission in “Nothing for Christmas” with the Imma child of circumstances routine. Remember 23B… you ready?
Callux argues, threatens, and comes through with the pop happening “Naughty List.” No gifts and you don’t exist, Kringles!
Sometimes the high tragedy of a giftless Xmas is clerical oversight. Oops.
Santa admits “I Forgot That It was Christmas,” according to strident pop from Megan Moore. Is it for the best? Ask the Whos!
Downtown Fiction just plain “Forgot it was Christmas.” So he garaged you this song, instead. Like, no one told him. (She dumps him, don’t worry.)
What aren’t you getting for Christmas, you miserable one? You aren’t getting shit. That sounds reasonable at first, until you real the emphatic purposes of the ain’t.
Way back when, we visited Red Peters mocking an old Walter Brennan masterpiece with “You Ain’t Getting Shit for Christmas.” It’s real purdy.
Bob Wire and Chip Whitson get more funky rock with their “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit for Christmas.” It’s telling.
Stevie B. calls from ‘cross the Pond to alert the slackers “Well, You Won’t Get Jack Shit.” BLUE ALERT for a proper comeuppance.
Underage rap from Daddy Hustle BLUE ALERT whispers out “U Ain’t Getting Shit for Christmas.” Not sure he means it.
White girl R+B lounge rap from Emily Miller testifies “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit (For Christmas).” Buy it yourself, loser.
Uncle Daddy & The Skeeters get folksy pop with “Santa Ain’t Bringing You Shit.” Some layers of judgment here. You can tell because of the harsh percussion.
Let’s cut the shit. Heywood Banks is a comic genius and he can sing about how you’re not getting shit without saying the naughty word and being naughty himself. “You Ain’t Getting Diddly Squat” is the novelty we didn’t know we wanted. And–Big Finish!
We’re well out of coal for Christmas ideas for novelty songs, so let’s say NO to coal.
Les Barons slow bluesrocks ‘a Krampus song’ about how there’ll be “No Coal in My Stocking Tonight.” This psychological investigation into what you think of him is a bit scary.
Chandra Knudsen gets emo maudlin about getting YOU “Instead of Coal.” She doesn’t seem to believe in Xmas, but she ranges her pop all over the folk chords diva-style.
A ’90s gang of Philly musicians joined warped minds to skewer Christmas music. They took a while to rise above door-to-door cassette sales, but i highly recommend you lay your hands on whatever Hot Buttered Elves released, regardless of roster.
“Coal” is their 11 minute opus (apparently in several parts) about the ins and outs of striking black rock for the holidays. At times instrumental (haunted symphonic) at others experimental club (haunting beat poetry). Grab a cup o’ joe and settle back for this one. It’ll take you places you never dreamt. See you on the other side.
You’re gone, you even left a note, so my Christmas is black and flakes off at the brittle parts.
Kyle Andrews (as one of The Bands Under the Radar) pop wails “I Don’t Want a Lump of Coal.” He does want your love. But he’s got to sing, doesn’t he?
Mumbling grief, gargling musicality, Andor wishes everything will be all right with the garage weirdness of “Coal for Christmas.” Nothing makes sense without you.
Dfonte borrows from ’90s UK melodic-harmonic jittery pop for the breathy “Coal for Christmas.” Seems they want to ‘keep the fire burning in your heart,’ despite you having left a year before. Love the emo beat.
Some kids go beyond the piss and moan about getting coal for Christmas, they take a stand.
I don’t blame ’em. Jay Richwine (and friend) dig deep to worry if there’ll be enough “Coal for Christmas.” This kid-friendly pop folk leans in to how much fun it is to dirty the stockings with anthracite.
The Truth Is… may be a pop band or a delivery platform, but they give us a bouncy scheme to get even with Santa “Letters to Santa” (perhaps don’t tip the present-er to your ‘Home Alone’ gimmickry). But, have fun.
Why wail about the coal for Christmas when you can character assassinate the red delivery system itself?
Rolling into a massive BLUE ALERT after almost a minute of comic buildup, The Misfit Toys hollers about who put “Coal in Your Stockings“! This is rollicking mod rock illustrated with a video sporting messy mascara and a Santa sniper. Whoa.
HeatleyBros allow for some parody fun with “Santa Loves Coal.” This pop-rap mishmash-up gives us the POV of the big stinker who didn’t have to be so vengeful on the wee ones.
One of the kindest warnings about how to behave and avoid Santa’s anthracite comes from English lad Rob Lord a scorer of films (from Pumpkinhead 4 Blood Feud to I Am Durán) whose tinkly experimentation of tune soothes and refreshes. “Bag of Coal” is the childish hope edged with concern that Xmas will go well. Relax, kid. You got this.