Some songs got no business naming reindeer.
“Lil Freak” by Usher (feat Nicki Minaj) is about naughtiness. About two minutes in Nicki lists Santa pullers like rattling off sexual positions. Hey now.
Category: rap
ad silentnitum, nosetotail BLUE ALERT
Let’s let loose and bitch about it, that never-ending return to season–in song.
“Another Blooming Christmas” is not so angry. Mel Smith’s UK frolicsome demeanor makes this show tune rant kid friendly.
“Here’s Another Crappy Christmas Song” is Steve Heller’s resignation. Bouncy pop (with some odd Roger Miller [purporting to be Elvis] scat) about the pointlessness is Brit to a fault. But i may have smirked slightly.
The cast of ‘Not Another Christmas Letter, The Musical’ rehearse “Another Lousy Christmas” for your patience straining. Show tune barking.
Bored white rappers BLUE ALERT!! cobble together an obscenity-laden rage-fueled finger-pointer with “Another Stupid Christmas.” It’s offensive, and sung mediocrely. Day Seven x Genre Treason (ft. Dr. Mer) deserve the credit.
Life After X-arrgh
Pain can turn sadness to anger on a dime. The loss of Xmas celebrations opens a void that shrieking can barely edge over. Where you’re mad as noel, and you can’t bake it any more.
Matt Kaye waxes coffee house poetical with harmonica club blues in “After Christmas.” It’s an ugly picture of the later-times. Close your eyes, children!
Hate metal might be the way to go here. “The Day After Christmas” by Call of the Sirens (with didgeridoo solo) takes the time of year to task with a passion.
Angry rap from Riz featured on silliness from Random at Best also packs a bone to pick when “Christmas is Over.” Non-Christmas urban rage translated through Office Space.
Wait for Melancholia
Sometimes the super sincerity of a song oversells the emotion. I mean, bring on the irony of merry Christmas heartbreak–i’ll cover that when we get to the ‘good stuff.’ But the saccharin swamp of wallowing in feels can deepsix a song of merit.
Recycled show tunes from Disney knockoffs sound a lot like The Sylvia Cotton Singers doing “I Can’t Wait for Christmas.” A couple cliches, a soaring vocal, an unhappy child… nope, not really a song.
Synth jazz with a sultry beat smacked against a spaghetti box doesn’t prompt an empathetic response for Michael Jeff’s smoky-throated “Why You Have to Wait ’til Christmas?” Soft pop does not equal hard feelings.
Much improved is Brandi Carlile’s searching, reaching, emotional heartache in “Heartache Can Wait.” The slow, grating folk-pop (now with extra cello) tugs at lonely, empty, fragile heartstrings. Yeah, it goes on and on–with talent and musicality. But, bum, son.
Watered down R+B can be listenable, given the stretch of vocals by the likes of Tommy DeCarlo. But his flirty come-on “I Can’t Wait ’til Christmas Day!” is menaced with more thumping back beat, not to mention bland backup singers.
Melodic rap might sneak one through urban troubles with a metaphor here and a simile there, but KVBA (feat. Con)’s “Wait for Me on Christmas” whinges us through the stumble love of domesticated mundaneness.
Mall World: blue alert
Mall Santas may disrespect the magic of Christmas, done poorly. But there are naughty songs about how awful it gets (that means sex, mommy).
“Mall Santaz” are gangsta playas as playfully rapped by Pineapple Posse. Lots of obscenity for the kids here!
Mall World: is it hot in here?
Santa’s lap (at the mall) is a metaphor for sex, at times. For the truly twisted.
Joey & Rory juggle the kiddies’ wantings with the adult flirtatiousness of “Come Sit on Santa Claus’s Lap.” It’s country barn pop.
Casdaluchi Ent & Luchi Toons get confusedly, ungrammatically not-quite-growed-up with “Sit on My Lap Like Santa Claus.” The broken music box beat distracts from the weak-sauce double entendres, but the rap is earnest.
Mall World: pedo
Tell me it’s not so! Mall Santa’s touching!!
No Assumption metalicizes the pedophilic tendencies of the giving oldster with their “Mall Santa.” They’ll none of it.
The Buglies dramatize that nasty fiend with booming laughter in “Santa’s Lap Dance.” Excuse me while i go wash. Garage atonal porn.
Not exactly forgivin’, but appreciative, Lil Poverty Angels unload their word jazz electronic rap on “Santa’s a Dirty Old Man.”
Mall World: wild for it
How crazy do you have to be to be a mall Santa?
The Gebharts aren’t crazy about their “Shopping Mall Santa,” but their dry as a hangover garage-quiet-rock makes their protagonist gonzo as blueberry Wheaties.
Murder the Mood metalicize “Mall Santa” to transform into stand-in Big Red. It’s like a secret identity, but head-bangin’ is the power.
Welcome back, Red State Update! “Sit on Santa’s Lap” is a chimey white easy-listening rap that threatens and invites in varying amounts. It’s off the Rails Steak House!
Home Lights
You know it’s home for Christmas when the lights are up. It’s the best.
Old Dog Orchestra has some fun garage pop with “2010 Lights,” stirring up all those reminiscences and past loves and stuff back home.
Garage bluegrass (?) from Paul Baribeau hangs out in his childhood basement and gets weird, until he enjoys those “Christmas Lights.” They just might slow that racing rhythm down.
Money Bells
Cashiers ring, are you listenin’? To the charge, that is blisterin’? …bells remind some of us of debt.
The Progress bemoan the lack of change while they’re “Jingle Bell Broke.” (Caution: no actual bells were harmed during these lyrics.) Just solid folk/rock protest against the riches.
“Make It Jingle” equates the timpani with the dolla. Big Freedia queens up this dance number with all the right ringing: car keys, bracelets, you know–it’s not all bells.