Year-round Yuletide oddities
Jack G terrible raps “All I want for TRUmas is TRU.” There’s a line about making 2 mill$ in a month. It’s the parody that song deserves.
Von Carter (feat. Trey Lucré) rap about some payday amidst urban pressure in “A Couple Million.” Once more, from a holiday album, so maybe holiday adjacent?
Gabe Cornell likewise bypasses the whole explicit Xmas mention. “Millions” is a slow, melodic rap detailing how much money he’s got. And if you don’t like it, you can kill yourself. He counts it out to eight. Times ten. Isn’t that the true meaning of Christmas? (It IS on a holiday-is album.)
Birds do it, bees do it, even Santa’s reindeer do it–let’s crow about flying skills.
KCENT gets Kpop about it with “Fly X-Mas.” Party hearty. Foreign languages may apply.
Kidsong likes to weak the language at times to catch the eavesdropping adults unawares, so when Rockin’ Robin & The Magical Tree folk rock “Christmas Time Flies” they mean the metaphorical flight (though the reindeer are included in a simile for the slowpokes). But it’s all carpe diem celebratory.
Today’s dance party tune also neglects actual animals, but Sujo’s “Fly Fly Christmas” is a dance floor filler–or at least repetitive lyric syndrome.
MC Lars whiteboy raps “Gary the Green-Nosed Reindeer” as a bit of contextual comedy from the mid-‘Aughts. A bin Laden joke, an endless backbeat, a lively energy–you had to be there.
Some songs got no business naming reindeer.
“Lil Freak” by Usher (feat Nicki Minaj) is about naughtiness. About two minutes in Nicki lists Santa pullers like rattling off sexual positions. Hey now.
Let’s let loose and bitch about it, that never-ending return to season–in song.
“Another Blooming Christmas” is not so angry. Mel Smith’s UK frolicsome demeanor makes this show tune rant kid friendly.
“Here’s Another Crappy Christmas Song” is Steve Heller’s resignation. Bouncy pop (with some odd Roger Miller [purporting to be Elvis] scat) about the pointlessness is Brit to a fault. But i may have smirked slightly.
The cast of ‘Not Another Christmas Letter, The Musical’ rehearse “Another Lousy Christmas” for your patience straining. Show tune barking.
Bored white rappers BLUE ALERT!! cobble together an obscenity-laden rage-fueled finger-pointer with “Another Stupid Christmas.” It’s offensive, and sung mediocrely. Day Seven x Genre Treason (ft. Dr. Mer) deserve the credit.
Pain can turn sadness to anger on a dime. The loss of Xmas celebrations opens a void that shrieking can barely edge over. Where you’re mad as noel, and you can’t bake it any more.
Matt Kaye waxes coffee house poetical with harmonica club blues in “After Christmas.” It’s an ugly picture of the later-times. Close your eyes, children!
Hate metal might be the way to go here. “The Day After Christmas” by Call of the Sirens (with didgeridoo solo) takes the time of year to task with a passion.
Angry rap from Riz featured on silliness from Random at Best also packs a bone to pick when “Christmas is Over.” Non-Christmas urban rage translated through Office Space.
Sometimes the super sincerity of a song oversells the emotion. I mean, bring on the irony of merry Christmas heartbreak–i’ll cover that when we get to the ‘good stuff.’ But the saccharin swamp of wallowing in feels can deepsix a song of merit.
Recycled show tunes from Disney knockoffs sound a lot like The Sylvia Cotton Singers doing “I Can’t Wait for Christmas.” A couple cliches, a soaring vocal, an unhappy child… nope, not really a song.
Synth jazz with a sultry beat smacked against a spaghetti box doesn’t prompt an empathetic response for Michael Jeff’s smoky-throated “Why You Have to Wait ’til Christmas?” Soft pop does not equal hard feelings.
Much improved is Brandi Carlile’s searching, reaching, emotional heartache in “Heartache Can Wait.” The slow, grating folk-pop (now with extra cello) tugs at lonely, empty, fragile heartstrings. Yeah, it goes on and on–with talent and musicality. But, bum, son.
Watered down R+B can be listenable, given the stretch of vocals by the likes of Tommy DeCarlo. But his flirty come-on “I Can’t Wait ’til Christmas Day!” is menaced with more thumping back beat, not to mention bland backup singers.
Melodic rap might sneak one through urban troubles with a metaphor here and a simile there, but KVBA (feat. Con)’s “Wait for Me on Christmas” whinges us through the stumble love of domesticated mundaneness.
Mall Santas may disrespect the magic of Christmas, done poorly. But there are naughty songs about how awful it gets (that means sex, mommy).
“Mall Santaz” are gangsta playas as playfully rapped by Pineapple Posse. Lots of obscenity for the kids here!
Santa’s lap (at the mall) is a metaphor for sex, at times. For the truly twisted.
Joey & Rory juggle the kiddies’ wantings with the adult flirtatiousness of “Come Sit on Santa Claus’s Lap.” It’s country barn pop.
Casdaluchi Ent & Luchi Toons get confusedly, ungrammatically not-quite-growed-up with “Sit on My Lap Like Santa Claus.” The broken music box beat distracts from the weak-sauce double entendres, but the rap is earnest.