Category: altrock

Well, now we’re over you you you. December is like that. Gonna take out all my stress on your stupid face.

Commiserate with the JaJanoskians as they party anthem their middle finger with “All I Want 4 Christmas.” (Hint: it’s not you.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPfgf3imFYM

The best song to individualize the elf takes a single Santa’s helper out of context of his ride along job and puts him into a love-suffering outsider’s dilemma. Can he find his true one through the window? Perhaps The Rocket Summer’s title “Elf Creep” will foreshadow the outcome. Coolest peeping tom Christmas song ever.

Seal Smash delivers us the workers’ revolution. Apparently uniting sometimes requires firing squads, and flame throwing, and polar bear kamikazes. Stay for the automatic interlude. (The ho-ho-horror.) And the skating rink outro.

Okay, we’ve reached Labor Day on my calendar. This will be our 122nd such observance of the muesli that built this infrastructure, which predates the rest of the world’s May Day by 10 years. So there.

Are the elves satisfied without contract? Are they genetically disposed to such endless workloads? Do we care?

Try the manifesto “Elf’s Lament” by Barenaked Ladies. If BnL’s list of demands outlining indentured servitude without union doesn’t foment a face-to-face about conditions… well, i guess we’ll talk about violence as a means to an end later on. At least feel guilty about your long list, kids.

Now that we’ve been lectured on safe driving methods for the end of Dec. let’s deal with the worst case scenario.

Except some people think of auto wipeouts as having a silver lining. Take Larry the Cable Guy. Please. His “I Wish My Mother-in-Law’d Get Hit by a Car” is fine parody, but as it appears at the end of his Very Larry Christmas album in which he includes his obnoxious sign off. That’s a tragic accident.

You can look up all the vehicular parodies on ‘Grandma Got run Over’ yourself. They involve rednecks, a John Deere, a beer truck, a fork lift, and a Grand Marquis. Merry luck to you.

That’s enough of the horror of road wrecks, except The Rosenkranz seem to relish the idea of a nice “Car Crash for Xmas.” (This is presented as a cheerier alternative to the drudgery of life, family, and friends.) Their dreamy alt rock is very persuasive and i almost might want me one too.

At this point let’s give in to the “Every Day is Christmas” paradigm, begun by Reggae dancehall DJ Vybz Kartel. Stutter it like you love it!

Pretty country poet, Richie McDonald, balladeers his own harmony with “If Every Day could Be Christmas.” There’s almost no country left in this middle of the road anthem.

White people’s fantasy Kylie is next with her snuggly love sweaters and pretty looks privilege. The music is all about the video.

Turning that tableau on its wig is dragqueen Alaska Thunderfuck dragging every other holiday through her overdecorated front room to be compared to the love and family of Christmas. Love the song. Love the message. Love the messed up sock puppet, boy-elves, and gratuitously violent video.

Winning the UK pop version for danceability, singalongability, and general charisma is Wizzard. I could listen to this every other day.

But, yes, Virginia, there is a song about Christmas in September.

J Tyler Hagen sings under the nom de melody Sounds Like Harmony all alt rock unplugged as a hobby that’s paid off to small fame. “Christmas in September” is once again a love letter for the disenfranchised. What’s December? What’s the 25th? Why not be happy all the time?

JJ Payne sweats us with her little girl pop “Summertime Christmas.” I’m not sure why.

New Zealand knows “Christmas in the Summertime;” it’s meteorological! The Funky Monkeys beat the message to death (for the kids!) with their fun, frolics, and big doggy.

Also Down Under, Stella Zigouras gets warm and sultry with her “Summertime Christmas.” Call your travel agency now!

Now, it’s summer all over the Southern Hemi, so please note that “In Summertime It’s Christmas (In Brazil).” Mostly ’cause Calico Crew’s Latin beat is so much muy caliente-er.

Some may consider this time of year time off from The Holidays, so let’s explore “Summertime Santa“‘s off duty activities with Jason Didner and The Jungle Gym Jam. Spoiler alert: Santa surfs.

Music hall (the vaudeville of UK) also wonders “Where Does Father Christmas Go in the Summertime?” somewhat updated by Peter M Adamson. The youtube notes add apologies for the old timey humor.

But we’re talking the Christmas Frame of Mind. What matter the dog days of hotness? I say, tear a page out of Lizanne Hennessy’s manual: This is Lizzard’s  “Christmas in Summertime.” Celebrate now, celebrants! Do it.

Puppies are not dogs. They are a completely different mindset. One type you would let romp through expensively wrapped gifts grinning, the other you would harness for the Iditarod to save lives.

Martin Metcalf and Gillian Brown murmur “Santa’s Dog” mistaking one of the reindeer for Santa’s best friend. That’s the Olive-problem. It happens.

Getting a dog for Christmas is perhaps more grown up than getting a puppy. So Tom Manche’s “Dog Christmas Song” is an adult advisory on the appropriateness of beating the void with a ‘friend for life.” Cha cha cha.

The 1948 version of that gift list sounds like Billy Mayo’s Orchestra and “I Want a Dog for Christmas.” Pardon the poor sound and the sniveling 3/4 of the way through (by way of narrative bridge).

Once we get into grown-up dogs we can get mean and nasty. Vinnie’s entry to some Worst Christmas Song Ever contest is “The Christmas Dog.” Holy crap.

Although dealing with puppy training, the responsibilities of cleaning up credentialize Cliff Berg’s “My Dog Just Shit Song (A Christmas Song).” Yeah, not much of a holiday number….

For a more seasonal parody, nothing beats Gary Gee with “Fleas on My Dog.” If you can’t guess the source material for the take-off, please listen: it’s pleasantly surprising. Although the slide show  is vertiginous and nauseating.

Best of Show is Eels laying into “Christmas is Going to the Dogs.” The tone is mongrel, the puns are dogged, the melody mangy–what fun!

So many songs about cutesy little fuzzy faces that i lack credits at times.

“I Want a Puppy for Christmas” is off a British cassette tape from 1992 entitled 20 Children’s Christmas Songs and Carols–so it’s pretty short.

At times stellar, unnamed talent makes it onto the kids’ records. “Pookie Doodle Puppy’s Christmas Party” is by Children’s Songs. But check out the range on that soprano! (Not the unfortunate slide whistle).

A saccharine favorite for elementary school pageants is “Polar Puppy.” I don’t want to know who does this. Take it away.

“The Christmas Puppy” is similarly adorbs, but i finally figured out it was recorded by Dudley Dogg Jr. Warning: sped up chipmunk voices.

Before we get too cool–watch out for overly sentimental pop like Gina Naomi Baez’s “Puppy for Christmas.” Too much! Too much!! Need snark!!!

[I’ve already referenced Red Buttons with “Bow Wow Wants a Boy for Christmas” and Linn Sheldon’s “Boofo Goes Where Santa Goes.” ]

I could have also noted Gene Autry’s “Poppy the Puppy.” Another attempt by the Singing’ Cowboy to be Xmas popular (not so successful this time).

See, retro rock likes little doggies: Adam Faith sings “Lonely Pup (in a Christmas Shop).” This seems to be on the outside lonelytimes looking in. Awww.

The Wiggles nudge old timey rock n roll as well with “Paw Paw Wags.” Honestly i’m not sure if a puppy is getting a child or a child is getting a puppy.

“Bobby Wants a Puppy Dog for Christmas” was made a hit by Merle Haggard and even recorded by The Wiggles. I like Bowling for Soup’s alt rock version.

Crustaceans are the bugs of the sea, but technically they are simpler than arthropda. So, let’s consider the few yule tunes for those multi-jointed animals that white people claim they enjoy eating.

“Sandal the Sand Creature” by La Guardia Cross may actually be made out of garbage, and not possess a chitninous shell at all. (And i song bombed this bit last 10/24/2015!) But the festive funster bears repeating.

‘The Little Mermaid”s Sebastian hermit crab does a passable pass at crabbing up “Deck the Halls.” Samuel E Wright sings cannily enough without the Rasta-slack most character vocalists inject into Jamaican mockery. Color me not a fan here, but i was touched by Jonathan Oosterhof’s notes for his youtube entry: that’s what a novetly Christmas song aficionado sounds like.

A Baltimore holiday staple is David Deboy’s “Crabs for Christmas.” It’s fun. They have funny accents over there.

Sassy aunts and an uncle family-scramble to uke out humor with “The Christmas Lobster Song.” Homemade homkum for the folks at home, hmm?

What does it mean to be a truly wonderful novelty Christmas song here in the 21st Century? The melodic, lulling intro… the astonishing betrayal of tone (the irony!!)… the coffee-house random poetry of the lyrics… the unknown ballsy singer (with less than a couple hundred views)… the lovely discovery of something new. Folks, may i introduce Nick Fredy and “The Christmas Lobster.” (He might not kill you.)