United We Christmas Tree Stand: corporate (not!)

Continuing from our concerns over consumptive consumerism, some carolers counter the corporate coverage of Christmas. Cleverly now….

Posh Hammer add robotic irony to their drear tale of corporate takeover of the holidays. “A Very Corporate Christmas” bangs on like a dirge, but these kids have something to say.

A Corporate Christmas Carol” by Charlie Reynardine & Michael G. Ronstadt lulls us with glorious harmonious pop folk. Afraid the kids win out, however, and these guys will buy their way through the brand names. (They win me back with their credits roll at the end of the video.)

Davids jolly up the joint with “CGI Penguins (An Anti-Corporate Christmas Song).” At least we have a song to sing along with while we throw shade on Coca-Cola.

Christmas List: item twenty (sex act) (BLUE ALERT)

Down and dirty, dudes.

I Want a Blowjob for Christmas” is off key and drunk. Devastating Just Cause wants your affirmation regardless. And anal, too.

!990s garage punk informs “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Furiously Stiff never quite released this sentiment on the world.

Well, let’s turnabout for fair play. “Anal for Christmas” by Killy the Kid allows her to give to him (It was on his wishlist!). Jazzy garage you can dance (limp?) to.

Toymakers Local 1224: contract-5

The best song to individualize the elf takes a single Santa’s helper out of context of his ride along job and puts him into a love-suffering outsider’s dilemma. Can he find his true one through the window? Perhaps The Rocket Summer’s title “Elf Creep” will foreshadow the outcome. Coolest peeping tom Christmas song ever.

Toymakers Local 1224: grievances-1

Okay, we’ve reached Labor Day on my calendar. This will be our 122nd such observance of the muesli that built this infrastructure, which predates the rest of the world’s May Day by 10 years. So there.

Are the elves satisfied without contract? Are they genetically disposed to such endless workloads? Do we care?

Try the manifesto “Elf’s Lament” by Barenaked Ladies. If BnL’s list of demands outlining indentured servitude without union doesn’t foment a face-to-face about conditions… well, i guess we’ll talk about violence as a means to an end later on. At least feel guilty about your long list, kids.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: crashmas-1

Now that we’ve been lectured on safe driving methods for the end of Dec. let’s deal with the worst case scenario.

Except some people think of auto wipeouts as having a silver lining. Take Larry the Cable Guy. Please. His “I Wish My Mother-in-Law’d Get Hit by a Car” is fine parody, but as it appears at the end of his Very Larry Christmas album in which he includes his obnoxious sign off. That’s a tragic accident.

You can look up all the vehicular parodies on ‘Grandma Got run Over’ yourself. They involve rednecks, a John Deere, a beer truck, a fork lift, and a Grand Marquis. Merry luck to you.

That’s enough of the horror of road wrecks, except The Rosenkranz seem to relish the idea of a nice “Car Crash for Xmas.” (This is presented as a cheerier alternative to the drudgery of life, family, and friends.) Their dreamy alt rock is very persuasive and i almost might want me one too.

Christmas Every Day: September

At this point let’s give in to the “Every Day is Christmas” paradigm, begun by Reggae dancehall DJ Vybz Kartel. Stutter it like you love it!

Pretty country poet, Richie McDonald, balladeers his own harmony with “If Every Day could Be Christmas.” There’s almost no country left in this middle of the road anthem.

White people’s fantasy Kylie is next with her snuggly love sweaters and pretty looks privilege. The music is all about the video.

Turning that tableau on its wig is dragqueen Alaska Thunderfuck dragging every other holiday through her overdecorated front room to be compared to the love and family of Christmas. Love the song. Love the message. Love the messed up sock puppet, boy-elves, and gratuitously violent video.

Winning the UK pop version for danceability, singalongability, and general charisma is Wizzard. I could listen to this every other day.

But, yes, Virginia, there is a song about Christmas in September.

J Tyler Hagen sings under the nom de melody Sounds Like Harmony all alt rock unplugged as a hobby that’s paid off to small fame. “Christmas in September” is once again a love letter for the disenfranchised. What’s December? What’s the 25th? Why not be happy all the time?


Christmas Every Day: August (hot hot hot)

JJ Payne sweats us with her little girl pop “Summertime Christmas.” I’m not sure why.

New Zealand knows “Christmas in the Summertime;” it’s meteorological! The Funky Monkeys beat the message to death (for the kids!) with their fun, frolics, and big doggy.

Also Down Under, Stella Zigouras gets warm and sultry with her “Summertime Christmas.” Call your travel agency now!

Now, it’s summer all over the Southern Hemi, so please note that “In Summertime It’s Christmas (In Brazil).” Mostly ’cause Calico Crew’s Latin beat is so much muy caliente-er.

Some may consider this time of year time off from The Holidays, so let’s explore “Summertime Santa“‘s off duty activities with Jason Didner and The Jungle Gym Jam. Spoiler alert: Santa surfs.

Music hall (the vaudeville of UK) also wonders “Where Does Father Christmas Go in the Summertime?” somewhat updated by Peter M Adamson. The youtube notes add apologies for the old timey humor.

But we’re talking the Christmas Frame of Mind. What matter the dog days of hotness? I say, tear a page out of Lizanne Hennessy’s manual: This is Lizzard’s  “Christmas in Summertime.” Celebrate now, celebrants! Do it.

Manger Management: Dog the Halls

Puppies are not dogs. They are a completely different mindset. One type you would let romp through expensively wrapped gifts grinning, the other you would harness for the Iditarod to save lives.

Martin Metcalf and Gillian Brown murmur “Santa’s Dog” mistaking one of the reindeer for Santa’s best friend. That’s the Olive-problem. It happens.

Getting a dog for Christmas is perhaps more grown up than getting a puppy. So Tom Manche’s “Dog Christmas Song” is an adult advisory on the appropriateness of beating the void with a ‘friend for life.” Cha cha cha.

The 1948 version of that gift list sounds like Billy Mayo’s Orchestra and “I Want a Dog for Christmas.” Pardon the poor sound and the sniveling 3/4 of the way through (by way of narrative bridge).

Once we get into grown-up dogs we can get mean and nasty. Vinnie’s entry to some Worst Christmas Song Ever contest is “The Christmas Dog.” Holy crap.

Although dealing with puppy training, the responsibilities of cleaning up credentialize Cliff Berg’s “My Dog Just Shit Song (A Christmas Song).” Yeah, not much of a holiday number….

For a more seasonal parody, nothing beats Gary Gee with “Fleas on My Dog.” If you can’t guess the source material for the take-off, please listen: it’s pleasantly surprising. Although the slide show  is vertiginous and nauseating.

Best of Show is Eels laying into “Christmas is Going to the Dogs.” The tone is mongrel, the puns are dogged, the melody mangy–what fun!