Yes, Virginia, there is a Christmas-hating tradition. We’ve been this route before. But, hawkish doom-delivering warfarers? That’s a garland too far.
You’re one of them! begins “My War on Christmas” (‘my’ being The Benefit). And you being the merry-makers of Christmas partied. Punk’s got you in its sights.
The “War on Christmas” sets guns blazing Sekcells (a fun phonetic pun). When you unleash the rap dogs of war (BLUE ALERT) they may not stop at your command any longer. The humanity! The pandas!
Stirring up sides for a merry/happy time of the year can result in hurt feelings, resentment, acute rage, and going postal. See your doctor.
Punk brings us to a head. Total Massacre’s “War on Christmas (World is Over)” smears feces all over every aspect on the season. BLUE ALERT, i guess they win.
He Who Cannot Be Named gets just a garage more melodic with their punking “War on Christmas.” Now beginnith the list of Claus’s flaws.
Something about the ideal marriage makes all the young studs want to divide and conquer. Mrs. Claus has a target between her legs.
Hoover’s G-String has a melancholy morning after alt number about Mrs. Claus. ‘Put the blame on me,’ they offer, as some form of gentlemen, with “The Ballad of Mrs. Claus.” What’s her walk of shame look like?
Bad Royale (feat Jay Nahge) has it in for “Mrs. Claus.” This rap gets BLUE but sounds full service for the lady.
Clumsy country honky tonk from Rico Loco sets up “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” She’ll get (oh my) a pokin’ and a squirtin.’ And even a reamin’. Guessin’ that’s obscene.
Size 14 punks “Mrs. Claus” with verve and gusto. It may have been the wine… the first time. But the upshot is–no one’s getting presents anywhere near this guy. VERY NAUGHTY.
Heteros don’t own commitment issues. Queers can spit all over the perfect coupling, at that time of year.
Adam Ray parleys his amateur snit at your cheatin’ ways with “The Ex Song.” It’s set to ‘Jingle Bells’ rather than addressing the holiday blow up. But it’s nasty.
David Pevsner gets showstopping with his naughty ultimatums in “Merry Ex-Mas.” You had it coming, you hussy!
My collection of Xmas (about USA) songs was a mishmash of odd references. Couldn’t tell if i was saluting or kneeling. (Aren’t those both reverential?)
Take Brian Kinder’s “Fruitcake” song that invokes the founding fathers. What in the name of children’s music is that?
The Hamilton parody on Rudolph was so good, Six13 returns with a Hanukkah Hamilton, entitled “A Hamilton Chanukah.” Tangentially American. Wait, The Maccabeats do this, too? Theirs is called “Hasmonean.”
Biting the hand, Johnny Setlist pushes 1st Amendment limits with a BLUE ALERT bit o’ the irony “Christmas in America (Every Single Day).” Folkabilly that hits that mandolin hard, mocking by protesting too much in honor of.
Just as funning, F. Lobot intones ‘The Night Before’ to the karaoke of ‘Star-Spangled’: Yes, it’s “The Star-Spangled Christmas Tree.” Stand up, godammit.
What i DID not pursue that first iteration was that political ping pong tournament of Dems v. Reps. You want that hairpulling, read whichever news appeals to you. But i have found an irreverent easy listening country piece about how both sides should get along for the holidays. It’s BLUE ALERT time, so take a tranq, get comfy, and listen patiently to Red State Update’s “Divided Nation Christmas.” (It’s like ten years old, so historical… and what’s the saying about tragedy + time = comedy…?)
Sex is such a great release for the holidays. It’s a religious experience. It’s a confirmation of commitment.
But what if you get a Jesus-sized headache.
“I Don’t Feel Like Fucking This Christmas” is the guilty canticle from Red State Update. He’d rather go to church, just for this day, dear. Country pop. And really dirty.
Are all your presents hiding in the closet?! Get ’em out! Unwrap ’em! Insert ’em in your neighbor!
We won’t but celebrate gay sex for Xmas, but keep in mind that the damaging old-fashioned homophobic stereotype here is the crazed, overagressive predator. He’ll nail anything, anywhere.
Because gay pride has earned more acceptance so gradually over the past couple decades, some of these naughty bits arrive in the form of complete albums (hidden and exchanged behind closed doors so long ago). We’ll sample:
Yaoi Xmas Songs is boy-love, but often from girls’ fan fiction shipping on their favorite anime characters. From this collection, “Big Dong” parodizes an often overlooked ‘Ding Dong’ song that deserves what it gets.
The Go-Go Boys won’t be a household name (depending on your household) but they serve up some well-done musical parodies on their album Gay Apparel. I choose “We Three Boys,” not for subtlety, but for composure.
Unit 81 Productions also sings masterfully in no way undercutting the raunchiness of “Merry XXXmas.” Rock pop. Very fast.
The holiday intercourse may be announced as fact. Surrender to the male imperative.
Poetically, Greg & Brian mix metaphors in the inuendo laden “Yule Log.” It’s down and dirty, but with a medieval dancing beat.
FunnyMike freestyles his “Merry Christmas” about what he’s going to do to specific body parts on you. There’s a rhythm method.
Will Nunziata (feat. Amy Fitts) embodies the Disney princess (cable sitcom verzh) who must have the sex in “Jingle Jingle: A Dirty Christmas Song.” Santa raps countrapoint to her pop lollying.
Reggie Watts levels with all y’all that “Christmas is for Fucking.” Sensual R+B rap. Get it on.
