Month: May 2024

Cold Fat Bastard

Worth repeating: The Hot Rods declare “Santa’s Too Drunk to Drive.” It’s road ragin’ rockabilly that won’t slow.

Cabana Man shaggies the dog with a spoken word jive backed story that ends with “Santa Need a Cab.” It’s in the vernacular.

Applying metal, Halbstarke Jungs barks out “Drunken Santa Is Coming To Town.” (Then, Deutsche!) Watch the skies!

Gary Craig, in the style of Bing Crosby, croons an ode to Barney in The Simpsons pilot: “Drunken Santa’s Coming to Town.” It’s a fun parody.

A bit of the ol’ Dixieland from Beefus in the pathetic “Party with Santa.” ‘Tain’t pretty.

Actual funk from Jerry T. Band describes a “Naughty Santa.” There’s a barside altercation involving the Missus.

Mikey Geiger’s “Drunk Santa” is an electronic exploration with expletives laced in. Like that night you can’t quite remember.

Singing from Drunk Santa announces with pop electronica “My Balls (Are Hangin’ in the Tree).” Embarassing, but short.

Mr. Bowl of Jelly

Worth repeating: Fathead’s “Santa’s Drunk” celebrates as much as it chastises with some Motown blues. Danceable.

Greg & Brian take the POV of some assembly line elf who goes “Drinkin’ with Santa.” Daredevil hi jinx ensue in this honky tonking pop mess.

John Vosel & the Party Crashers also represent the elf contingent with the catch-all complaint “Santa Claus Blues.” It deals with bad gifts, drunkenness, and perversity. But it’s the blues. Whaddya goin’ ta do?

BearRon spins “An Unbelievable Santa Story” through gentle folk spoken word meandering. Yet this dream-like traipsing only begins with a drunken Santa (probably fake). Where it goes is pure enlightenment.

Brock Armstrong parodies Avril Lavigne with “A Complicated Christmas.” It’s a bitchfest against S.C. (Drink, smoke, cry!–wotta mess!)

The Missile Toads rage through punk about what a loser The Expected One has become. “Santa’s a Boozer” is the problem. Oi!

The Great Gift-so

Brandon M.C. points out that with new love it doesn’t matter that “Santa Brought Me Nothing.” A guitar exercise, more than an indie love song.

Any Given Sin seconds the emotion with the country-pop anthem “Nothing for Christmas.” Santa’s just kinda irrelevant here.

The Clarence Williams’ Blue Five ragtime the beejeepers out of “Santa Claus Blues.” No money means no honey, Red.

“Ho! Ho! Oh Nooo!” is insistent punk from The Bad Engrish. This is a BLUE ALERT level of complaint.

Somebody adored small children Emerson & Cassidy enough to cut an album of their lisping and spitting. “Santa Clause Is Not Coming to Town” may be social commentary on the capitalistic corporate scheme, or it may be dumb kids who can’t remember lyrics.

Jonwayne DJs old carols/movies to give us the mashup “No Santa.” BLUE ALERT!

Thomas Mac nightcaps the concept with the honky tonkin’ “Santa Ain’t Coming to Town (He’s Drinking This Year).” We’ll further deal with his substance abuse in a bit.

Herr List

Worth repeating: BearRon(Rob Barron)’s “Nuttin’ (The Dumb Original Christmas Song)” is a thoughtful folk ballad about how a kid will get even for his Xmas betrayal. Love it.

From Flying Bomb Presents Surprise Package – The Collectors’ Edition comes Rocket 455’s “Santa Ain’t Comin’ This Christmas.” Finely aged punk brought to my attention care of Pete th’ Elf.

Rough punk from Lion’s Law has the beef that “He Never Came Around.” You know who.

Richard DSouza translates (barely) “Santa Don’t Come to My Home.” Peter’s got a solution, though–

Swing from Steve Weeks who has a “Grievance with the Man in Red.” Someone’s been counting… how often he was GOOD. But, did it pay off??

Killer dad rock from Luke Nelson, who notes “There Goes Santa Claus.” Not that you can tell from the absence of goodies.

Even harder retro rock from Lee Harris demands “Get Santa Claus on the Line.” The complaint line, that is! Not even underwear, man!

Side Nose Fingerer

Worth repeating: The Caroleers kidsong the head scratcher “Ten-Thousand Santa Clauses (But Not One Gift for Me).” The rhythm works. The mumps don’t help.

Loretta Lynn got mad back in 1966 when the disappointment of an empty Christmas caused her to country ejaculate “To Heck with Ole Santa Claus.” She’ll get him! A (welcome?) update in rocking country comes via Sam Morrison Band.

More whimsy, but not less sorrow, comes from Private Eye Music’s “Where are You Santa Claus?” Bombastic big band pop.

“Hey Santa Claus (You Son Of A Bitch)” Johnny O & The Jerks piss and moan with grungy yet jazzy garage. Just wanna know Why? Why’d you leave me out!

Sounds Of Blackness include in their musical The Night Before Christmas a tour de force of jazzy divinity “Santa Watch Yo’ Step.” This year he brought presents, but–

Polka barbershop from Henry Golis with The Jordanaires complains “Santa, You Forgot About Me Last Year.” How depressing can it be?! It’s polka!

Leading Cola Salesman

Worth repeating: BLUE ALERT “Santa Don’t Bring Gifts To Assholes” is the pop proclamation from Paul Mauled and the Furious Elves. You should probably heed this dictum.

Vera Lyn takes us back to the 1930s when swearing wasn’t as much a lyrical go-to. “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot” is a big band ode to poor kids. Sad stuff. She originated this number, but Nat King Cole is no slouch at underplaying the bathos and making a real story out of it.

The world premiere cast of Nuncrackers–The Nunsense Christmas Musical gets down home with “Santa Ain’t Comin’ to Our House.” It’s a knee-slappin’ hoe-downin’ uplift to children’s tragedy.

Hard rock from The Swingin’ Neckbreakers declares “Santa Claus ain’t Comin’ This Year.” Sound like someone’s on the disability.

The Eraserheads alt rock that “Santa Ain’t Comin’ No Mo” because he’s sick. Throw your stocking out the window!

717Erb raps casually how “Santa Ain’t Coming.” That’s it. No show.

When my baby can’t be with me then, well, “Santa Can’t.” Big band evolves into rap then just mashes up. Brought to you by 0July Moon (feat. Kristen & Ryanne).

The HoHoHo-er

Worth repeating: From The Trailer Park Boys, Bubbles & The Shitrockers BLUE ALERT react badly to bad gifting with the country twangin’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself.” So mad they’re giggling.

More BLUE ALERT from the disgruntled Dan Warren. While traumatized from being good not equalling the goods, he hurls insult and invective North Pole-ward, including “Santa Claus Lives Alone.” (That’s ‘cuz no one likes him.)

The Armenian Comedian (from the old Kevin & Bean Show) allows that some will blame Santa, but he lousy-raps “Don’t Blame Santa.” Then, scat.

Perhaps a bit of guided instruction would help. The Jeff Archer Group kid-rocks (hard) “I’d Love to Go to Toys-R-Us with Santa.” Doesn’t even matter that they’re closing out stores anymore. It’ll show Mr. Claus what is what.

Flooded Cellar makes an Indian Giver out of the old guy when, due to a clerical error, he now wants to take back all your unearned toys. American country rock notifies that “Santa Claus been Writing Me Letters.” You have 30 days to comply.

One Man Supply Chain

An oft heard low rating for Santa is his poor choice in gifts given. I mean, what’s the list i sent him FOR?! Handwriting analysis?

Worth repeating: Trout Fishing in America knows kidsong, if “Santa Brought Me Clothes” is any indication. Wild mini-organ jelly-rolling.

Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force serenades a visiting country pop star with “Santa Left a Booger in My Stocking.” It’s an Adult Swim thing.

Space Band has a problem with a little AM radio from “@santaclaus.” Children rocking about griping.

Saint John and The Revelations call down club rock to set a “Christmas Fire” as a reaction to not getting their wish.

Jello Productions paints a horrible portrait in “The Bad Santa Song (I’m Gonna Punch Your Presents).” Jingly kid song that blames Old Man Christmas without asking the hard question (How Naughty WERE You?).

Fat Daddy

Worth repeating: “Fat Daddy” by Paul ‘Fat Daddy’ Johnson was a Baltimore fave from 1963 on, dug up and shared by John Waters. It’s not really S.C. but the spirit is here through jazzy doo wop RnR.

“Santa’s Getting Bigger” is charming folk from Bob Wire & Chip Whitson, who might be somewhat understanding.

Tesse slows the roll with an R+B sorta-rap “Fat Man in a Red Suit.” It’s sad, but we need to accept those things we can’t change.

Dale Jarvis dramatizes the domestic enabling that causes our protagonist to become “Fat Like Santa.” There’s a certain sound to those comedy songs for FM morning shows back in the ’90s. This is it: 15% country, 35% pop, 45% funny voices, 5% audacity.

Mr. Weebl’s 2015 Advent Calendar o’ songs included “Fat Santa Claus,” a jittery pop celebration of–a dog? Nevermind, dance!

Richie McDonald rollicks a kiddie country sing along with “Why Santa’s Fat.” Surprisingly, it’s not from overeating….

Salsa be bop from Bill Darnell and the Smith Brothers perks up the topic! “Too Fat to be Santa Claus” casts suspicion on the next red-suited impersonator. He won’t fit in the outfit!

Cookie Monster

One of the complaints we aim at the Wintry Philanthropist is that He’s Larger than Life. Worth repeating: The Ineffective Subdefectives parody ‘Nowhere Man’ with “Big Fat Man.” They’re having such fun. I’m jealous.

D’modes nitpick the dietary lack of restrictions Claus does in “Too Fat to Fly.” Club pop, but thoughtful-like.

Richard Sponaugle is also deliberate when asked to berate the old guy in the countrifried pop of “Santa Needs to Diet.” Low hanging fruit.

Making kidsong of it Muriel’s Animated Stories brings us a specific culinary caution in “Santa Needs a Diet.” Lifestyle choices are measured and reassigned.

Keeping kidsong in view, The Polkadots sing that song your kids sang in the second grade “Santa You’re Too Fat.” Ill manners have to start early.

Freddy Cannon helps with the light kidrock “Santa (You’re Too Fat for Me).” Kids are now deciding he‘s naughty!