This should’ve turned out more clever with lots of references to cuisine like Bûche De Noël, fruitcake, goose, mince pies… all that stuff. But i seem to have some grudge against family going on, so i just went with it. Sorry, relatives.
The Christmas Menu
[intro] To please avoid anomaly When entertaining family, Remember this one homily: Martha Stewart's not got shit on me. Appetizers, best of all, Keep guests from filling up on meats: Chips and crackers with shovels, And last year's bowl of rock-hard sweets. Friends of Bill for cocktail hour? Drown the vodka/gin with water, Pickle juice in whiskey sours? Eggnog's sweeter with Mylanta. Cousins from the Everglades? To keep from sitting where they please: Placecards framed with razor blades And bolt down chairs with expertise. Entrees should be cut and dried So everyone gets their fair share: Might I suggest freeze-dried deep fried? Or noodles full of footlong hair? Desserts get complicated Just ask for a simple head count: For those not got their coats yet, Release the right number of hounds. [repeat intro as you like]
No apologies. It’s a song. It could be humorous to the right folk. Whatever floats your gravy boat. Ray Stevens style madcap country music? Robert Earl Keen ploddery? Gospel revival?