Month: March 2016

BLUE ALERT: not quite the s word (-2)

Significant anger is directed at the abuses of the holiday spirit of giving and not caring. So here is some almost swearing from the people at Dot Photo who have cobbled together an impressive slide show buffet of presents you only give to those you want to know are beneath your good graces: “Stop Giving Me Crap for Christmas” by Bobby Gaylor.

Big ups to Bobby for including novelty christmas albums by cats or dogs; more ups on the video for including choco-pooping toys.

BLUE ALERT: not quite the s word (-3)

Now that we’re in the realm of obscenity, we need to realize bodily functions are so taboo that their mere mention indicates wrongness. So shit don’t just mean shit. It means unwanted presents; it means trouble i don’t want to deal with; it means lies.

Not all of us are ready to use the S word, so some will settle for ‘crap’ and You Know What I Mean. (I can remember back in the 1970s when a local radio station bleeped out that euphemism in the Paul Simon song ‘Koda Chrome.’)

Some tender up the word like a turd: “Don’t Give a Crap about Christmas” by Noodles and Ole play the sped up chipmunks bit to make the dirty word funny. Their satire is tiring and too apologetic, though.

So, in order to get in the spirit of angry hard usage enjoy Patsy Hoolahan’s singing toilet and “I Won’t Take Crap for Christmas.”

BLUE ALERT: number two (4)

While feces and feliz navidad have a ho-ho factor of 7.35 built in, the awkward inappropriateness a merry dump next to the chimney raises the horror of the humorless. Enter Andy Dick, the off-putting offspring of Eww and Ick. His seasonal poop tale dabbles in rape panic, pedophlia, and of course shit and run. All euphemistically sung with an impish grin. This is about as bad as it gets, folks.

“Santa’s Yule Log” from Keven and Bean’s Santa’s Swingin’ Sack.

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BLUE ALERT: number two (3)

The satirical backlash to cute children’s songs often results in simply more banality, even when The Toilet Bowl Cleaners (just one guy actually) endeavor to compile a complete album (Holiday Poop Puke & Pee Songs) of scatalogical gross-outs. The holidays range from Father’s Day to Thanksgiving, with special attention to Christmas.

But “I’ll Be Home Pooping for Christmas” is just musically shitting around.

And  “I Saw Mommy Wiping Santa’s Bum” is more of a sad family descent into incontinence and elder care.

I should have given Matt Farley, a novelty Spotify song cranker-outter, his own nod for number one with “Pee on the Christmas Tree” because that’s a bouncy message-laden number I can get behind… but i’ll leave you with “I Pooped on Santa’s Lap” because it has what you’d expect (with a salsa beat).

BLUE ALERT: number two (2)

Kids learn via websites all the time. National Geographic has a virtual world of cartoon animals called Animal Jam so that children can… hell, i don’t know.

I do know that kids will be kids. The best intentioned sites are still dirtied up with 10-year-old naughtiness. And it makes my inner mischief-maker laugh.

Here’s fellow-prankster Perro Amarillo AJ with “Animal Jam: The Christmas Poop Album.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cepx8_nMxU

Oops–that’s no longer available. Please accept as equally juvenile “The Poo Song (Xmas Mix).” It has nothing to do with Christmas as far as i can tell. But it is deutchophobic. That’s nothing, too.

BLUE ALERT: number two (1)

Because bowel movements are taboo and Christmas is universal, those wacky boys who created South Park mashed them together for a holiday lark. South Park was originally a Christmas video of Santa fighting J.C. which went viral, or as it was known in the ’90s: was passed from VCR to VCR. Although “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,” appears in the first season of the Comedy Central show, this theme song comes from the eponymous holiday album from 1999. (Although i’m partial to the another selection which also features the commercial for the Mr. Hanky Game.)

BLUE ALERT: number one (7)

These Vancouver (B.C.) partiers know how to entertain. And even better, how to connect Christmas, for J.C.’s sake, to yellow snow. I can’t find much about them apart from their Youtube channel, so good luck tracking down their albums.

But please shake it twice, zip it carefully, and listen up to The Ded Beats’ “Peesing in the Snow.”