Dependent Claus: cuckolding him to second base

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How can Mrs. Claus keep warm when Santa’s delivering the toys? Some naughty boys have some rascally ideas.

Some of these adulterous allegations are couched in kid-friendly imagery, so i figure lots of fooling around–but nothing x-rated. See for yourself: “Mrs. Claus is on the Naughty List” by HawkBaby. Autotuning the swing doesn’t exactly qualify for a blue alert.

Ross and Dave have moves for “Mrs. Claus (I’m in Love with You).” Sweet Elvis classic rock moves, i do believe.

One night only, but Hayden Stearns wants to fulfill Mrs. C’s dreams. “Hey Mrs. Claus” is Euro-pop rock with bouncy flirtatiousness. Only slightly nasty.

The Barr Brothers use harp and Hawaiian strumming to retro ballad “Dear Mrs. Claus.” These are the moves, my men. Take note.

Dependent Claus: some other guy’s first base

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Mrs. Claus looks so lonely that one special night. Could just give her a kiss.

“A Kiss from Mrs. Claus” would be the best present. Alt from Hoggle’s Jewelry (Arbor Christmas: Vol. 1).

Lips’ll be locking with the jazzy pop stylings of Baggio with their “Mrs. Claus.” You got them singing. Your fault.

WSLY (feat. Hazen) has been a good boy and offers a sleigh ride for her–and let’s see where it takes us. A kiss? You don’t say! Breathy garage pop for “Hey Mrs. Claus.”

Dependent Claus: interoffice dalliance

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Santa’s not worried about leaving Mrs. Claus by her lonesome. I mean, who else is she going to stray unto? Look down!

Throwing Toasters delivers a smitten love story with some driving rock beat in their “Mrs. Claus.” It starts with drinkin’ hot chocolate from a decanter with one of the boys,,,,

Drive-By Truckers slop up a serving of swamp blues with “Mrs. Claus’s Kimono.” Just want a little elvish sex, to pay the old man back. What could go wrong?

Dependent Claus: needin’ somethin’ more

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What’s a spurned woman to do? Mrs. Claus doesn’t get her jollies on the night that counts and that itch won’t go away.

“Mrs. Claus is Steppin’ Out” is that sultry country dance number you might expect given the subject. Tina Mitchell Wilkins goes whole hog with the woo-hoos.

More suggestive country, now with more sugary sweetness, from Jane Sheldon. “One for Mrs. Claus” is pretty pop about the modern-day lady who goes out drinking while her husband is working. You go Teri Hatcher, i mean girl.

Dependent Claus: underloved

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Maybe he’s too involved with work, supervising, listing, keeping his weight up… i suppose Santa might be neglectful of the husbandly duties a vibrant helpmate like Mrs. Claus ought to expect. Is it bad enough to sing about?

Tony Thaxton (feat Allison Weiss and Sara Watkins) gets sloppy with bluegrass begging in “Mr. and Mrs. Claus, Christmas Eve.” Nagging does not become you, madam.

“Ode to Mrs. Claus’s Joy” from Gregg Cagno is a chatty folk rock feature about the seduction of the fat man. She’s under a blanket under the tree. PG-13. Yeah, there’s some Beethoven mixed in there.

Stockings and Christmas heels are the allure from “Mrs. Claus Laments (Stay Home with Me).” This torchy R+B jazz from Lynzie Kent gets a bit sweaty.

The Bobs bring it home with “Mrs. Claus Wants Some Lovin’.” Shaggy baggy R+B a cappella that’ll land her on the naughty list.

Dependent Claus: loved

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Santa could keep his hearth and home happy with that frisky promise of bride and groom. I think that’s all a couple needs–i read that somewhere.

If the longest sentence in the English language is ‘I do,’ then maybe Santa’s stuck with Mrs. Claus and “Mrs. Claus is Ugly” according to Santa’s Angry Elves. Rude metal, but no significant swearing.

Now that the work’s done, “Let’s Have Some Fun, Mrs. Claus.” Morning delight with a gypsy waltzing lilt from Emma Wallace and Marie Bee. Well, gee, i had fun.

“Chasing Mrs. Claus ‘Round the North Pole” is just the party raunchy alt we need to visualize to feel better about the cuddly twosome. Thanks Lust Control. Now i can stop thinking about my parents’ wedding night.

Dependent Claus: final solution

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Can Mrs. Claus really leave Santa? She’s too famous to get away. She’ll always be tarred with that epithet. Perhaps there’s another way to start over.

“Santa Claus is Dead” is a bit extreme, but the chuckley folk of Jeremy Secrest makes risible of what a dame who’s had enough is to do. Take it with a grain of mistletoe.