Eating Cookies (BLUE ALERT)

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Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:

Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.

JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!

The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.

Exchanging Presents (BLUE ALERT)

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What ELSE is in our stockings of perverted parodies for Christmas?!

To get you OUT of the mood, The Midnight Beast from UK sends up ‘All I Want’ with “How to Get a Xmas…” (fuck buddy). Not bad. Not Good.

Maci Sumcox gets twisty queen queer with “Fuckin’ Him by the Christmas Tree.” Brenda Lee would watch this.

Ron and the Rude Boys have that kind of party album with songs like “We Wish You a Hump at Christmas.” Boys cavorting with words they learned at school.

Thoughtful, but untalented, Vinceland dares us to “Let Us Fuck.”

Talented, but unconscionable, John Valby does up “Favorite Things” past the limit. (Mr. V has many more obscene Xmas funnies, but i can’t stand more than one at a time.)

Ordblid backtracks us to the “Horny Christmas” but metals ‘White’ nicely. Nicely twicely.

Kevin Bloody Wilson brings us back to Santa for the aw gee whiz “New Christmas Song.” Sing along if you have absolutely no scruples. Ew.

Regifting (BLUE ALERT)

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Santa’s sexy, we know that. Let’s get downtown to business and perform on the old guy.

Many parodies rejoice in Madlibbing naughty words into the traditional Christmas songs and rolling in the gales of laughter. A couple might be worth note.

The obvious (overdone) number here is ‘I Saw Mommy.’ This includes “Blowing” (Jesus Penis getting punk metal) (also Matt Rogers doing the Springsteen), “Licking Balls” (Funt Cart’s party karaoke) (also Smokestack Crew just a little more flirty off key), “Fisting” (thecircleofjerks barely harmonizing), “Banging” (Ironsnake jolly rocking The Boss) (also Helgrammites just rocking), and “Fucking” (Aanyl Pane with an odd alt-experimental number) (also Bo even odder and retro weird) (also Suicide Saints with a more traditional children’s obscene feel). Whew.

Jezebel goes all in with “F**k Me Santa” taking just a few extra steps beyond ‘Santa Baby’s eroticism.

Opening the Advent Calendar (BLUE ALERT)

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Santa, don’t forget the kids! That horndog doesn’t miss a trick.

Some repeats gather here: Barnes and Barnes jolly up the childish visions of sugarpubes with “I Had Sex with Santa.” Electro-pop.

Joel Kopischke masterfully parodies the Kinks’ ‘Lola’ with the nasty “Santa.” Not as actionably pedophilic as the others.

Jason Didawick plays the jammied preteen with his pop playful “Santa’s Fucking Me Under My Christmas Tree,” which i presume is geographical not anatomical.

Coal in Your Stocking (BLUE ALERT)

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Santa Claus is such a strong symbol that he seduces all of us. Boys, too.

Einar Mathias Egenes’s “Super Sexy Santa Claus” is a flamboyant, heavily made-up electronic dancing queen.

Kiki (also Continental, reference that spanking rod bit) get all anticipatory for their “Sexy Santa.” Pop bounciness, with a catty swipe at the Mrs.

Jack and Tyler get wry and rocking for “Sexy Santa Claus.” Straight-faced, but not straight.

Coming Down the Chimney (BLUE ALERT)

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While we are on the subject of the Clauses, what about Nick?

Back to SNL for Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig to get dreamy about how “Santa’s My Boyfriend.” Retro ’50s rock’n’roll innuendo.

Karen Petrocella also torches with “Santa Guy.” This is not a ‘Baby’ takeoff, but a jazzy love song (barely PG-13, but steamy).

Steel Panther glam metals “Sexy Santa” just right for all the girls and boys. You’d swear it was the ’90s.

Soul steals the show with The Louisiana Blues Brothers and how they heard “Santa was a Freak Like Me.” He’s on the prowl for the naughty.

Almost convincingly straight Dejan Milićević as LAZZ presents himself as “Sexy Santa Claus” with limp MOR rock and a lispy accent.

The Theme Song has an awesome collection of one-minute bust ups over whatever the beef of the moment is. Nasty time for Santa with this playful rap “Merry Motherfucking Christmas.”

“Naughty or Nice” is the moaning pop guzzle we’d expect from Francine the Queen of Obscene. Very, very naughty.

The Mulaney Sisters raise the roof to thank the Netflix ’18 flick ‘The Christmas Chronicles’ with their “Sexy Kurt Russell.” That ‘Christmas leather daddy’ is the present they want. (To ‘bone,’ not open.)

Naughty Not Nice (BLUE ALERT)

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From the feminine viewpoint, sex can be measured in disappointment. And no better example is that of underrated Mrs. Claus. Does she even have a name? (Well, but, how many?!)

SNL’s Aidy Bryant showcases a “Please Skip Christmas” song about her neglectedness. Nice try.

Brazzers (uh oh) presents “A Lonely Milf at Christmas,” a not-so-blue jazz number with an extended intro and overlong outro and middling talent (Kagney Linn Carter).

With even less quality, but more depravity comes Rico Loco and “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” Country Western porn.

I believe we’ve basked in the superior parody of Bob Rivers’s “Me and Mrs. Claus.” Giggle giggle.

Tau is into “Ms. Claus” and goes electropop to raise your eyebrows. Re-owr.

Licking the Envelopes (BLUE ALERT)

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Flip the script, it’s girls’ night at the novelty Christmas music chorale. Now, we’re woke enuf to know most of the songs about women are about men’s fantasies and are at times insulting, and at others criminal. But we’re here to shit all over everything any way…

Instructive male psyche goes into the little boy who wishes to Santa for a “Vagina for Christmas.” He’ll take care of it just like it were a hippopotamus.

More exploitative, the return of Courtney Stoddard’s “Mistletoe Bikini” pops the pop outta our topic. Not much under the shrubbery action, actually.

Supposedly uncomfortable boardmen are mind altered by Andy Smushkin’s folk soft rock video “Christmas Cunnilingus.” It’s National Lampoon approved. Killer psychedelic guitar solo.

Igniting the Yule Log

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Let’s keep you in the mood with even more exciting Xmas tunes that’ll lift your pants.

Allstarbandit elctro-Djs “Dirty Horney (Under the Misteltoe)” as a dance experiment in lusting up the joint. I give it a 7, Johnny: i don’t unnerstanem, but i can bump2it.

“Horny at the Holidays” by dadaists Barnes & Barnes might cool your jets. Ironic eroticism is curious, but offputting.

Santastic is a labor of love by DJs, mashup artists, and the like, sampling all the hits to recreate new experiences for you and yours at the holidays. Mousee T and The Dandy Warhols are spliced up for “Horny Christmas” as doctored up by Loo & Placido off the Santastic 6 album. It’s easier to just lissen up.