Drink N.B. Merry: wassail

Now, hot mulled spiced apple cider may be promoted to the echelons of wassail and beget a centuries old Christmas tradition of begging from the rich (your parents) for your gifties.

The Waverly Consort by Michael Jaffee presents ye olde version of “The Gloucester Wassail:” a Christmas heritage of singing nicely nicely for refreshment. Blur grinds this out more menacingly as “The Wassailing Song.” Scary–pass out the cups, hurry.

“Apple Tree Wassail” also harmonizes as a threat, especially as by The Watersons. Is this what would’ve won Medieval Idol?

The “Here We Come a-Wassailing” one i’m more familiar gets a boss ‘billy beat by Under the Streelamp. We’ll include it for reference only.

Big Rock Creek Band have a slight parody called “The Waffle Song.” Apparently these Waffles are naughty children who deserve no treat.

The funny literalist Samuel Stokes clears up the whole mess for us with his “Here We Come A-Wassailing (The American Edition).” Get ready for Brit-bashing of a low caliber.

Drink N.B. Merry: cider

Not much lyricism over pressed old apples, hardly fermented by late December. We’ll settle over up with a bouncy, jazzy gospel piece from Carmela Estella Ross. Her “Apple Cider and Fruit Cake” is one of those token spreads to entice you to her hard driving sermon about Our Lord. You know like stale cookies and burnt coffee at AA meetings.

Drink N.B. Merry: tea

Turnabout is fair trade. Across the pond, some enjoy a cuppa with something more translucent brewing inside.

Joey Knock has a nasally epic “Christmas Cup of Tea.” He doesn’t know many chords, nor when to stop, but he is on about a good cause, innit? (When he’s not inventorying.)

Channeling an inner Alice, Dimie Cat plays antique nostalgic player piano with their distressed “Christmas Tea.” Put another nickel in!

Drink N.B. Merry: coffee

Surely a jacked up bloodstream keeps the carolers shopping ’til the night before… but it’s a shameful secret that gets little joy in the Christmas song playlist that WE NEED COFFEE this time of the year.

Jacksfilms of course comes to the millennial rescue with his minute of menu recitation “Christmas Starbucks Specials.” MMMMMM! But you may have to be age appropriate to laugh out loud.

A bona fide novelty Christmas song from Everyday Detour which harps on that old saw about Christmas Celebrated Too Early with the October offerings at the grind and brew: “Peppermint & a Whole Latte Christmas,” which at a minute and a half is a song as long as the title. Cuppa cheer!

Drink N.B. Merry: cocoa 2

Cocoa is such a tradition it’s shorthand allusively to aw dear skwooshy squishy emo. Alisha Merrick is a nice sing-maker, but first and foremost she’s a missus and a mommy. Get treacly romantic with her “Cocoa and Kisses.” Works for me: I’d make all my friends listen to it, if i were the guy (if i had friends).

“Hot Chocolate” gets some play from that ‘Polar Express’ movie. Everything about it horrifies me. A nice calypso turn from Janess Sifers  creates a “Hot Chocolate” that would better fit into a big biz show musical. Me, i’m more into edumusical pounding like you find in Brian Kinder’s “Hot Chocolate.” Earnest but questionable talent sells these maudlin values.

For the verisimilitude you’ve been yearning for, Tami Trisoliere blue grasses her “Cocoa Christmas” with a violin that feels like slippers, guitar like a fireplace, and a her own contralto like a fluffy plush robe. Ahhhhh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI0pl2ZKLZw

 

Drink N.B. Merry: cocoa 1

After months of gnoshing, got milk? water? iced tea? Jolt cola? Most beverages around the holidays are alcoholic. We’ll get to that. Let’s hold off as long as we can with other drinkables traditional enough to provoke singing.

Actually the whole milk thing gets old fast. Please dismiss “The Gilmer Dairy Farm Christmas Song” as just another mediocre attempt to cash in on ‘Jingle Bells.’  I was impressed, however, that it went more than one verse, and emphasized how good Santa was at ‘squeezin’ teats.’ Three years after that Farmer Gilmer returns hocking milk with “Have a Dairy, Merry Christmas!” He’s working social media, with scat, close ups of cud chewing, an good ol’ boy Alabama charm. (Watch out for the Peanuts scripture postscript.) There’s worse out there. Be satisfied that milk co-starred with cookies back in April on this blog and let it be.

Cocoa is a better topic for potable poetry. It’s what kids get when they’re good, it’s cold, and it’s not time for presents yet–shaddup and drink!

The Von Trapp Children (their descendants actually) sing “Hot Cup of Cocoa” pretty much like every chorale group in high school ever did. Bouncy fun to impress nonagenarians. (If that sounds snarky, refer to one of the many videos entertaining the retired troops at a nearby rest home overseen by The Holley Sisters. Is it just me?)

A bit more on fleek would be Canote and DeVore rap battling “The Hot Cocoa Song.” Okay, it’s not holiday-related.

Who cares! Warbling about warm chocolate in a cup is a propos of Xmas as sure as squawking about snow. Hannah Jackson (an X-Factor finalist!) and Amy Faris heat up the mugging with a jazzy “Hot Chocolate.” Ba-doop-ba-bee!

Consume-mas Quantities: what’s left?

Oddly, we will not end our Christmas meal with dessert. We had that first last month. But we will end appropriately, with leftovers.

Conor’s Comedy Minutes channel doodles around with the sadness of having leftovers others haven’t enjoyed. “Leftovers” is at best improvisational, but he puts himself out there with some little r’n’r. Sample it a bit; i’m not sure i’d recommend sticking around for the whole ordeal.

Definitely not a fan of the ’12 Days’ parodies, but Outback Steak House has posted a damn clever Aussie inspired “12 Days of Leftovers” as an advert to chase you into their meaty meeting messhall. The sassy accents, the horrifying puppetry, the gross-out factor–it’s just right.

Consume-mas Quantities: does this taste funny?

Some holiday food songs are easy to digest comedy. Many of those would be Jewish.

The Maccabeats make parody of Walk the Moon’s ‘Shut up and Dance’ with “The Latke Recipe.” Take note: you can make them too (the latkes, not the parodies).

Sam Glaser also goes parody with Otis Redding’s ‘My Girl’ fried into “Latkes.” Nice rock homage.

Kids’ songs are funny without meaning to be. In re: The Kiboomers’ “I Like to Eat Latkes.” What a song! Maybe that’s delight scrubbing away my cynicism…  Wait, ketchup? Naw, that’s ironic! right? Shira Kline also shouts with the kids for “Lots of Latkes.” In Hebrew. More showtune style, Danna Banana plays “La-La-La-Latkes” with a grand klezmer backing. Maybe not for kids.

JocJar’s Mom has a little ditty about latkes. “The Latke Song” is sung from the point of view of the potato pancake, however, and the hilarity ensues from its existential crisis.

Lauren Mayer (the “Psyco Super Mom”) bemoans the mess or making the perfect Chanukah grease bomb in “Latkes, Shmatkes,” complete with cartoon dancing fritters. She’s a hoot and her klezmer is enabled by kazoo.

Mo’Sho has found a new rhyme with latke and celebrates with “The Latke Song.” It may be modern schtick, but it’s strictly Catskills. (Psst–the new rhyming word starts with ‘v.’)

MC Flow has also added a little sumpin sumpin to the latkes. “Pot in the Latkes” features sirens, in-jokes, and hip hop. Dreidel responsibly.

The LeeVees pretend to be serious with their crack-up “Applesauce vs. Sour Cream.” Fun folk food fusion.

Now, don’t call foul, but i’m going to finish up the comedy section with a Christmas song. Paul and Storm are a bit local for me. And cool nerds. Their “Grandma’s Christmas Dinner” is millennial fun with irreverent and horrifying humor. Roll over and play dead.

Consume-mas Quantities: dietary restrictions

Santa should watch his intake, let’s be frank. Songs about Kris’s recommended diet include Jack Servello singing “Fat Free Santa” (sugary fun), Sha Na Na with “Santa’s on a Diet” (r’n’r mashed potatoes), The Uncle Brothers h’yucking “Santa’s Diet” (runny oompah), Michael T Hogg’s “Santa’s on a Diet” (pressed ham country), Elfish Pressley trying too hard with “Santa’s on a Weight Loss Plan” (creamed country comedy), and The Poets jamming to “Santa’s on a Diet” (delicious bluegrass).

Diets are not the gift you want that time of year. His Own gets the family together to hip hooray for gluttony with “Christmas Time is No Time to Diet.” You knew that, but did you want to sing it with the easy listening melodies here? Yum yum yum.

The Christmas Pranksters jazz up ‘Night Before’ with “‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas.” Yes, it’s the nightmare of not eating everything in sight. With the electric keyboard set to ‘glass jars.’

After Christmas diets make living hard, too. jsbarber1 posts a lovely lady singing “I’m Gonna Have to Diet After Christmas” to ‘Hipopotamus.’ She’s pretty good and I guess that takes the sting of watching what you eat out a touch.

These days, moreover, you can’t just cook ANYTHING for anyone for Xmas dinner. Allergies, GI ailments, health regimens have made grandma obsolete. Before we print the menu, let’s check in with the family and spouses to see what THEY can’t have.

Lisa sets her lament to ‘Rudolf’ and humors up the frustration in “Lisa’s Christmas Dinner Song.” Poor Lisa. Have another glass.

Perhaps the original of this late night adult talent show winner is from Sandy and Richard Riccardi. “The Holiday Dinner Party” oozes club schmaltz but does well for all that. The audience digs it.

Consume-mas Quantities: guess who’s coming?

We’ve run into foreign songs about Christmas dinner. We should join hands around the world, except then we couldn’t tuck in civilized-like. So let’s sing about the international Xmas repast.

Menace lends a taste of Antigua to his “Christmas Dinner.” Calypso canapés, anyone?

Newfoundland Harve Bishop may sound redneck, but his “Christmas Dinner with Sam” celebrates the cuisine and landscape of the Great White Northeast.