As Seen on TV: Rugrats

Nine seasons with 2 spinoffs, but the kids who cared were grown and everyone else thought it was creepy. The holiday album Rugrats Holiday Classics is delivered after the original series ended. That’s why you probably haven’t heard of it.

It’s all half-asleep parodies milking the misheard lyric premise of stupid babies. Okay, a couple at least try.

“Rugrats Chanukah” is ‘The Dreidel Song’ with a cheap electronic keyboard honking at kvetching children.

“Heck, Why is Santa Always Jolly?” pokes fun at our Big Red Guy. Kids are so mean. To ‘Deck the Halls.’

1980s pop and lock rock marks “Oops! Santa Got Stuck!” about Santa ‘Up on the Rooftop’ while Chuckie jest gotsta go wee!

“Toys for the Girls” has Angelica bull-leading a female chorus celebrating the new baby, oddly enough. Maybe Jesus, maybe her baby brother (uhh, that was a miscarriage).

As Seen on TV: Ren & Stimpy

Thus begins the nuevo wave-o of ’90s cartoons from cable channel Nickelodeon. The disgusting dog and cat gross-fest woke up a new generation previously taught not to pick their noses in public.

By 1993 a holiday album Ren & Stimpy’s Crock o’ Christmas an original story spunoff of their Yaksmas holiday shenanigans. I have offered songs from here before, so let’s mention a couple new ones before i barf.

Concert rock is the platform for the contrariness of “Decorate Yourself.” Should have mentioned this one earlier. Starts out amusingly….

Ren has the holiday blues for the whole album, despite Stimpy’s antic efforts to cheer. “I Hate Christmas” is the hilarious plot twist revealing the fat dog still grumbles. Smooth lounge blues.

Father-son sentimentality is pretty straightforward in “What is Christmas?” which i guess reveals the irony of the ’90s. If it’s honest emotion, sneer for all you’re worth. Quiet pop.

As Seen on TV: Animaniacs

A contender for overall best wit for the young, this ’90s Steven Spielberg produced foray into WB Kids attempted to bring vaudeville to the end of the century. Middling results.

“The First Noel (parody)” is much more comic than previously sampled songs so far. Punny!

Their pinnacle is their ‘Christmas Carol’ takeoff (Wakkoff?) trying to moralize capitalistic Taxman Plotz, with the songs “Ghost of Christmas Past,” “Ghost of Christmas Present,” and “Ghost of Christmas Future.” Love the all-out orchestration.

As Seen on TV: The Simpsons

The juggernaut of prime time cartoons has outlasted the age of irony, post-irony, and colonial irony. Naturally most of its holiday contributions are parodies of carols (caroldies).

“The 39 Days of Christmas” (sorry about all the non-song bits) came after “The 12 Days of Christmas (parody).” “The Grinch (parody)” nobody remembers. (Get that poster a tripod for Christmas.)

Better are the Nutcracker bits.

The holiday-inspired “Everybody Hates Ned Flanders” is the winner here, by a single Homer hair. (I mean, David Byrne covering…!) [To discover why this is considered a carol, watch the poorly recorded 40 second intro here–then stop watching.]

 

As Seen on TV: Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends

An independent TV toon that’s lasted for decades and offered music too, this playground of stereotypes need to work through their childish ways and become stiff upper lipped. And sing about being of use (why do i think of Boxer in Animal Farm?).

Not a follower, but i can tell “Glynn’s Christmas Wish” is later on with the uncanny valley scariness of the computer animation. Nice Brit pop story.

More derivatively carol-like, “There’s Snow Place Like Home” just sells it all the way out. Learn, kids, learn!

Less hyper, “It’s Christmas Time” is a measured consideration of pomp and celebration. Stand straight when you sing this one. Then you’ll get a lump of coal in your throat.

As Seen on TV: Garfield and Friends

Like the Simpsons a bit later, this series began with a Christmas special. The songs in ‘A Garfield Christmas’ are standard fare for cartoons (for A Prairie Home Companion children), tending toward the sentimental.

Worst is “Christmas in Your Heart” reading off discount bin greeting card lines. Skip it.

“A Good Ol’ Fashioned Christmas” at the end is middle-of-the-road laundered country pop. I like the jew’s harp though (excuse me: lamellophone).

An interesting music hall ditty by John (Thomas Huge) and Garfield (Lorenzo Music) contrasts the wide-eyed owner with the id-centric cat. “Can’t Wait Till Christmas” is mercifully brief, albeit bouncy.

An unexpected gem is the motor music in the background of the cat spying on the dog. “You Can Never Find an Elf When You Need One” is swung by Lou Rawls, but i like Deena Moore’s instrumental in some courthouse.

The cool cat intro, however, buckles us up to the Garfield zeitgeist: “Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme” by Lou Rawls is pop Motown without regret.

As Seen on TV: Care Bears

These furry sapsters began as greeting cards, then movie stars. But they did have a TV series.

Oh, and a holiday album (or more): Care Bears Christmas (1982), and then the worse Holiday Hugs and Care Bears: Christmas Eve (both 2004).

Tiny tots may smile for “Holiday Hugs” and its smothering perkiness, but i find it analogous to being beaten with kittens.

“Christmas in Care-a-Lot” strives for more hep jazz, but comes off like a porkpie hat on a pile of feathers.

“Have a Merry, Merry Christmas” faux-rocks lamely enough to make me want to watch The Wiggles.

The original album

scores higher as a 13 minute story for kids to listen to, despite its arrival BEFORE the Saturday morning cartoon. The “Christmas Theme”

borrows from their own theme, but “Happy Christmas Time”

and “Here Comes Christmas” are a sloppy grinning hippie hug of family folk warmth.

As Seen on TV: the Smurfs

Belgian freedom fighters in 1950s comic book form are just as good of inspiration as any old Grimm’s tale. The Smurfs as a Saturday morning cartoon, however, are johnny-come-latelies to the smurf-capades.

Their execrable 1983 album Merry Christmas with the Smurfs offends with such morsels as the alphabet song inspired “Santa Claus is Coming Tonight,” the oddly downbeat “Smurfing Bells,” and the aptly old world oompah of “Christmas Presents.” But later (1996’s Christmas with the Smurfs) the dance party “Christmas Party” opens their isolationist utopia to more friendly possibilities.

Time Machine alert! If we were to go back to a time before the TV series, we might find the suddenly more valuable Father Abraham ’78 single featuring “Christmas in Smurfland.” Country twaddle with some Continental panache.