As Seen on TV: Scrubs/30 Rock/How I Met Your Mother

While the hilarious show was often stuffed with musical bits (including a musical episode), most were pop songs from the charts. Nothing original for Christmas… unless we count this angry ’12 Days’ parody. Thank you, very much.

Hyperventilating comedy nearly as jam packed with schtick and ideas as a live action The Simpsons, this show did include a slight bit about Tracy Jordan’s ill advised holiday album and a sliver of his big hit “It’s a Jordan Christmas.” Just improv? you ask. Why would that matter?

While a few standout songs peppered the perfectly cast series, not much in the way of Xmas tunes. So Neil Patrick Harris murders a few carols insinuating how much he’d like to have sex with Ted’s sister. Let’s watch the entire “Barney Stinson Christmas Songs” bit, shall we?

As Seen on TV: The O.C.

Time for prime time networks to sell albums. I mean, movies do it. Fox begins this trend with the soapy young troubles kind of shows (The WB/CW perfects it later). Background montage soundtrack might cover only a minute or so of the song, but stars are made from excited fans who want to recreate their lives from their special fictional friends’ lives.

“Maybe This Christmas” by Ron Sexsmith from season 1’s ep. ‘The Best Chrismukkah Ever.’

“Christmas with You is the Best” by The Long Winters appears in that episode and also season 2’s ‘The Chrismukkah that Almost Wasn’t.’

In the latter is “Christmas” by Leona Naess. Slow funky alt folk. Moody.

Season 3’s ‘The Chrismukkah Bar-Mitzvahkkah’ has “Christmas Day in the Sun” by Hot Hot Heat. A banger.

One song that was a character’s favorite, but was not a mood setter was “Just Like Christmas” by Low. Alt pop, but bach pad good.

 

As Seen on TV: South Park BLUE ALERT

Trey Parker and Matt Stone didn’t just change television cartoons… okay, they actually haven’t done much else (maybe a B’way musical hit–but that’s it).

The 1999 holiday album was a great boon for us in the novelty fan base, so let’s visit the few songs i haven’t mentioned over and over.

“Christmas Time in Hell” revisits Satan, a family favorite, name-dropping the disfavored. The song, nevertheless, is showtune heaven.

Given our current political climate, let’s celebrate “Merry Fucking Christmas” to fight the war on equity.

As Seen on TV: The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy/Clone High/Invader Zim

A Cartoon Network show that never caught on (too hip?), but was reincarnated at least twice, season 4’s ender was jolly romp to cure Santa of vampirism with Death and the Head Vampire (Malcolm McDowell) trailing the way to the North Pole. As is their wont, these mythoids sing while trekking (cf. ‘The Wizard of Oz’). Thus “We’re Off,” a snippet of silliness (near the end of this cute clip).

More envelope pushing, this time from MTV. Clones of historical icons are raised in a gov’t facility, and go through awkward puberty all at the same time. But they have limited cultural influences. No actual Christmas, although they celebrate clone day with lamb tacos, cabbage patch dances and the holiday’s figurehead, a pirate named Snowflake Jake, who brings children delicious spices if they threaten him just right.

You’re getting this, right?

Don’t believe me! Try a mock album of “Snowflake Songs” by the JFK clone.

A Nick Toon that didn’t get off the ground (or enslave the planet), a dark allegory for the hopelessness of man, a so-so sci-fi apocalypso (of cult proportions)… the end of the series was the usual Santa as doombot. (Well, it’s usual NOW.) “Bow Down” from the series was reprised at this year’s SanDiego Comicon by the creators (about minute 8), and also gets a cover by youtuber Meri Amber.

As Seen on TV: Jimmy Neutron

A less Nazi-sounding Dexter, the boy genius of Nickolodeon has more realistic playground and family problems than the Cartoon Network version. But he still disagrees with Santa on a scientific basis. In his second season in ‘Holly Jolly Season’ he walks a million miles in the jolly old elf’s slippers to learn his lesson, but not before first suffering the indignities of grade school adulation for these ridiculous myths. “Basking in the Warmth of Christmas” is a jazzy show tune of faith vs. doubt.

As Seen on TV: SpongeBob SquarePants

The biggest moneymaker from Nickolodeon ever isn’t just a can of rocks shaken for the lovely sound it makes. It’s also musical.

The eighth season featured a all-singing formulaic story about Plankton taking over, blah blah. ‘It’s a SpongeBob Christmas!’ is stop motion which throws the surrealism out of whack but is otherwise serviceable. Stick to the album.

“Santa Has His Eye on Me” opens the story with just the right amount of repetitive mush and exposition.

These iconoclastic kid bits often push genres. Patrick the starfish’s “Pretty Ribbons and Bows” is a ’60s rock ‘splosion of ADHD fun.

Limp country from Sandy the Squirrel in “Ho Ho Hoedown.” I think i’ll stick to the better stuff.

The bad guy gets a real showtune carol in “Christmas is Mine.” Mwah ho ho ho.

The Brit pop anthem to kids “Don’t be a Jerk (It’s Christmas)” is the big hit, though. Falsetto ululate, all!

As Seen on TV: Tweenies

UK’s answer to Teletubbies was the pop song children in a nursery teaching and learning and coloring. Their album drops in ’04 and at least one song climbs to the top 100 of the Brit seasonal charts.

Starting out is the oo-ooh backbeat doodle “I Believe in Christmas.” Well, i believe in a formula for kidsong–fulfilled it. Ditto “Can’t Wait for Christmas.”

Reflective pop rears its stiff upper head with “Light up the World.” Social consciousness: check.

Most infectious is kidboppop “Fab-A-Rooney Christmas.” You know what’s coming….

As Seen on TV: Dora the Explorer

If Carmen Sandiego can fool people into learning, surely the prepubescent Latina can as well.

Most of the ‘songs’ on the album Dora’s Christmas are either trad carols or children’s pap without any mention of any variation of any holiday.

Notable exceptions to our disappointment include the infrequently heard Espanol Christmas Eve carol “Nochebuena.” Just this much short of mariachi, but a bit of the fun.

If you know the show, you know the klepto ‘coon and his problems. So Dora’s “No Swiping on Christmas” should come as no surprise. Melodramatic interactive show tune! Shout answers to her for goodness’ sake. (And get that varmint some therapy; did you hear his excuse?)

As Seen on TV: Pokémon

The highest grossing media franchise of all time does indeed have a Christmas album, Virginia. It varies from smelly schmaltz (“I’m Giving Santa a Pikachu for Christmas“)

to annoying preteen pop (“Christmas is the Coolest Time of the Year“)

to oddly affecting altpop (“I Keep My Home in My Heart.”)

The all out unabashed commercial fan grab is “Pokemon Christmas Bash.” Hello, Pallet Town!

My favorite (?) is the snarky Meowth snarling “Nobody Don’t Like Christmas.” All holidays come under fire. But, wait for the final twist. Show tune vaudeville.