Girls just want to have boys for their presents, according to professionally recorded, mega-produced, nearly listenable songs like these.
Doris Day wants presents, but you honey are the loveliest “Christmas Present” of them all. If you’d just come home. Uh, Doris… if he’s not present, he’s not a present. Helen Welch bosa novas this one for your groovy bachelor pad party. Swingin’ codependency!
Kacey Musgroves is lonely without you here. Without you she’s like a “Present without a Bow.” (I think she means she‘s without a beau [It is to laugh!].) Country bubblegum.
Dr. BLT switches the beat with electronica-hiphop a la “Christmas Shopping for Love.” I love the down and dirty sentiment, but how do you box up this abstraction, girl?
The Chicks (a 1960s Swedish girl rock group) (i guess) think you are the best “Christmas Present.” And they keep to the beat. Believe it.
Once we get to the actual presents for Christmas, we must bear in mind, some of the worst, schmaltzy, banal, time-wasting tripe in Christmas song is the I-WANT-YOU cliche. If that’s all you want for Christmas i hope you didn’t meet her last summer and wasted all Fall pining. And i hope you don’t think some magical Santa sack is gonna enslave her to your will, you pathetic wanna-be rapist. If, on the other scummy hand, you NEED-NO-OTHER-PRESENTS then you should take another look at the whole Western Civ notion of the holiday, ‘cuz either yo’ broke or unimaginative. When you’re more romantic than materialistic, why even observe the Big C? Don’t even cheapen the Hallmark moment with that word ‘presents.’
But…
Some pretty cool songs do metaphorize the gift for the giver. I submit to the saccharine for a week.
J B Summers grooves you back to the ’40s with “I Want a Present for Christmas.” Wailing pre-rock ‘n’ roll jazz band wanting on that present, ‘cuz he’s tired a’ bein’ alone. Tiny Grimes‘s verzh is more approachable, less raw.
Do wop that “Christmas Present” with Raymond Peace. You’ll be glad you did. It’s a song that money can buy.
Swing with Jon Aley and “The Best Darn Present in the Whole Wide World.” I’m glad i did. It’s a song i posted.
Alan Hull misunderstands on purpose when he sings about “Cardboard Christmas Boxes” as homes for the homeless. See what you did with your British pop, there, making me engage my social consciousness? Hey!
The same conceit from Heywood Banks makes me smirk more. “Christmas Box” as tragicomedy!
Dan Groggin belittles his “Christmas Box” as being basically empty from the musical ‘Nuncrackers.’ Save your modesty, Dan.
The Mikmaks give kidsong a good name with their rocking “What’s in the Box?” Now i wanna know.
Karling Abbeygate tries to creep us out with the suspensefully gothic “What’s in the Box.” Kooky pop.
Jerry Darlak ups the party quotient with “What’s in the Box? Polka.” It’s a mystery, and this guy wrapped it!
Watch out, i’m about to spring parang upon ye–you may find yourself powerless to still your feet. Charm B. celebrates “Christmas Box” with Caribbean craziness.
How can anyone misconstrue the innocent notion of wrapping Christmas gifts?
Spongebob Square Pants (feat. Patrick) ruins the joy with their hyperactive hijinks in “Pretty Ribbons and Bows.” Hard rock screaming for the kiddos.
Shifinger have a whole ‘nother use for our product with “Xmas Paper up My Arse.” Be assured, it was out of absolute necessity. Colorful punk.
Dr. BLT (feat. Gary LaDuke) repurpose our topic with “Wrap It up,” which is not about paper at all–it’s about (shhh) protecting the gift below the belt. Not exactly blue bluesy folk.
ADHD time in the (un)wrapping dept. Porter Christensen’s “Bubble Wrap Rap” seems to be harmless white hip hop about a boy and his love of packaging. Then–fight scene!
DG also works that naughty idea with “Wrap It Like a Christmas Present.” Wandering rap full of double meanings. Possibly funny STD PA.
Nickolodeon (yeah, the pay cable channel people used to watch) warn us what might happen to all that disregarded wrapping paper afterwards with “Randall the Wrapping Paper Monster.” Run! Hide! Recycle!
Finishing off that wrapping job on your Xmas gift? Some ribbons, praps?
Kacey Musgraves actually doesn’t need “Ribbons and Bows,” but can’t keep pop rocking about them. Talented vocals.
Jessica and Eddie Harrison (feat. Donna Beaurais) also miss the point with “Christmas Ribbons,” singing instead about family and love and carrying on.
Also stretching our theme, Trent Holloway sings “Blue Ribbon Christmas,” alluding to the PBRs he’s gonna pack away since you left him. Bluesy country cryin’.
Hank Thompson and the Brazos Valley Boys is going cheap this year, ‘cuz he’s gonna “Wrap My Heart in Ribbons” for you this Christmas. It is the most he can give. Gentle country swing is the least he can do.
Previously posted songs must be rementioned during this time of wrapping the presents.
Certainly the charmless Aquayemi-Claude Garnett Two Thousand Akinsanya’s “Wrapping Up Presents by the Christmas Tree” needed be repeated. But this party remix tries so much harder. Not sure anything got wrapped here….
Brilliant parodies from The Mistletones and an uncredited post by Leight Press mock M.C. Hammer with “Can’t Wrap This.” Now that’s funny.
Duncan G also retros the pop with a Devo spin on “Wrap It.” Har har har har.
First and second place, however, go to genius Joel Kopischke for “Hopeless Wrapper” (Mumford and Sons), and (drumroll, please) a parody of George Michaels that has to be heard to be believed.
We don’t like spending the time to wrap the presents we bought, we’ll even pay someone else to do it. Ergo, few great songs about the disguising process.
Ok, sometimes we wrap like we don’t give a crap. “Wrap Your Presents up in Duct Tape” by Russ is kidsong fun, iconoclastic and full of juicy guitar riffling.
Alton Dulaney goes a bit much for his tutorial “Gift Wrap Rap.” Bogus hip hop.
Mockingbird, Wish Me Luck sing “Bought and Wrapped” about that special present (a book) for you. Chimey, happy pop.
Another special present under consideration for covering up is Magnus Carlsson who sings about how he wants to “Wrap Myself in Paper” just for you. Hang onto that receipt, girl.
A NEW parody i stumbled over comes from The Withers showcasing wrappers’ fatigue. “I Can’t Wrap these Presents Anymore” passes the novelty masterpiece test (for 1984 REO Speedwagon country rock).
I like the gentle folk ‘grass of the Bristol Brothers’ “Paper and Bow.” It’s sweet and unpresuming and actually about the papers in question.
I still like a good song, even when it’s about dire straits.
Novelty overwhelms “Broke Christmas” by John Paul sharp and Paul Escalante. Their experimental pop is half cartoon soundtrack, half hip hop, half-assed fun.
Hot Buttered Elves have folk rock tune “Broke for Christmas” that neither glamorizes, wallows, or mocks impecuniousness. I’ll be listening to this more than once.
Marcus Oglesby moans the blues and Creek Don’t Rise humps the harmonica with “Daddy’s Broke for Christmas.” Well, kids, maybe the trauma of it will repress the memory for you later.
Sean Cole the Outlaw raps thoughtfully for “Another Broke Christmas” remembering the empty Christmases of his childhood. Poetical.
The saddest songs are the worst. Mike Rob is truly awful, and his rap is criminal. So, don’t listen to “Broke Again This Christmas.” Don’t do it. Just don’t.
Pissed about your list, Dragstrip Riot punks all over your cheer with “Broke for Christmas.” There’s some rollicking garage ufn here, however, so excuse my underlying glee.
