Year-round Yuletide oddities
What did you just say to me? You think you can do better? On Christmas!
Rancid fronts to their mates about “X-Mas Eve (She Got Up and Left Me).” The punk shouting represents the pain.
BLUE ALERT for the troof from Hannah Monds R+Bing “Ex-Mas.” You are off her list now.
Heteros don’t own commitment issues. Queers can spit all over the perfect coupling, at that time of year.
Adam Ray parleys his amateur snit at your cheatin’ ways with “The Ex Song.” It’s set to ‘Jingle Bells’ rather than addressing the holiday blow up. But it’s nasty.
David Pevsner gets showstopping with his naughty ultimatums in “Merry Ex-Mas.” You had it coming, you hussy!
The announcement for the Xmas break-up is traditionally quiet, with a slammed door for punctuation.
Way underplayed is the jazzy scat from Goldentusk. “I’m Breaking up with You for Christmas” calmly takes us through the presents, surprises, and exit. Almost missed it–
Matt Roach also strums matter-of-factly through the split. “Paralyzed” is the reaction to your rapidly vanishing backside, on Christmas day. But, this fine folk tale is not done. His emotional freezing will be matched with a physical similarity. Listen to find out why.
Before Braille more prettily drops the bombshell with graphic explanations. Alt crooning makes it worse.
Christmas is a time for love, forgiveness, togetherness.
But let’s get real before the New Year hits us all the harder.
Joshua Gilyard leads the all-girl choir (Queen of Ratchet) to lecture your smitten face with “Your Man is a Bum.” (‘Drummer Boy’ parody, yeah.) Eyes open, ladies.
Sure we’ve trundled through songs about mistletoe, love, and hookups. What’s next–? Oh, yeah. The destiny of promiscuity. <sigh> Ok, dawgs and bitches, let’s talk. You love that adrenaline shot of love (dopamine), but then you develop a resistance to the effects, and need a new drug. So shove off! Lookin’ past yo’ clingy ass!
Got it?
Scotty Sire raps out the plan. “Lonely Christmas” is the response to the about-to-plan. It hasn’t happened yet, but drama needs a stage. And he’s got some moves.
Still suspicious? Pick up his phone! More how-to from Joshua Gilyard presenting Queen of the Ratchet in “Ratchet of the Bells,” a BLUE ALERT lovely (near) a cappella tutorial on how to call him out in time for the holidays. Wrestle that, girl!
New Found Glory trounces Christmas as as bad as expected. And they’re dragging you through the blaming mud. It’s leading up to something pretty harsh in “Ex-Miss.” ’90s pop cruncher.
Fashion never goes out of fashion. Except when it does. Songs about what to wear for the holidays is a funny little curiosity of a pigeonhole. From head to toe they’re all over the place.
Manila Luzon takes her queen act luxe with “Slay Bells,” defining wintry appeal with doowop rock and crazy rich finery.
Unfortunate clothing gaffes include “Why is Santa Wearing a Thong?” from Shark Uppercut. Too late, you can’t unthink it. This whale tale is electronic pop applied for maximum damage.
Goldentusk, such a nice Jewish boy, virtuosoistically jams on the ragtime jazz with “The Only Holiday Gift Worth Giving.” (It’s socks!) (I swear!)
On the other foot, Matt Roach garage rages about the trauma of getting clothes for Xmas in “Toys for Boys.” He’s going to need therapy.
Full on underage prurient pop from Wengie takes on “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Breathlessly purring ‘Put it on! Put it on!’ doesn’t convey a clear message about the sweater or its ugliness. Danceable, tho.
Songs about Christmas are so endemic that the merest ephemera or frippery is grist for the Xmas music mill. Hence, dozens of songs about Christmas cards. You’d think, with the electronic age, we’d’ve run out of these selections. Think this:
“I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Christmas Card” is a parody of the old 1930s bluesy band number, here done up jug band style by Dan Hicks and the Christmas Jug Band. Hi de ho.
Shot o’ Soul reassures us that “You Won’t Get No Christmas Card from Me.” He’s so over us with his boogie woogie funk.
Metamusic fun!
Dr. BLT sings about himself (wishfully) with the wistful romantic fast folk “Songwriting Santa.” Or maybe it’s moving too fast. He croons to woo. A bit later he writes to Baby Jesus that “I’ll be Writing You a Christmas Song.” Heartfelt folk with kid backup.
Matt Roach can only do one thing for you (it’s writing a song). “Christmas Morning Eyes” is an alt stumble through the love-you/no-present-though. Near miss.
Amateur hour from The Paulson Family Band. “We Wrote You This Song for Christmas” really seems like a peek into a private family+friends exchange. Their earnest folking is nearly enchanting.
Your-gift-is-my-song rings out more successfully from Jason Lancaster with the throat shredding piano recital power ballad “All I Can Give You.” Goosies!
Red State Update has decided to eschew all carols in favor of their “Christmas Tambourine.” Hard rock (i think).
Also limited, Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Simply Weasels) asks “Santa Tune My Guitar” so the songs can get going, you know, euphonically like.
Wendell Ferguson picks the old style country rock while sheepishly admitting to “Workin’ in a One-Hit Wonderland.” Slight BLUE ALERT, but cuddly cute.
Terrible, bad, heinous songs may briefly be considered. The inconceivably Eurotrashy Günther serenades you with ‘Ding dong! It’s a Christmas song!’ in his “Christmas Song.” Awful, baby, simply ’70s disco awful.
Greg and Brian’s “The Worst Christmas Carol” is jk cheap funk with childish sentiment. Unfortunate, more than sick-making.
Geraldine McQueen crosses us back over to the weird (ambiguously sexually slanted enough for us to make up our own aesthetic) with the show tune “Once Upon a Christmas Song.” Come along with me: love, hate, love hate… (over and over again).
Time for the full frontal irony: Tony Thaxton drops the humor bomb in “Another Generic Christmas Song,” with seasonal pop underpinnings. Got me!
One of the worst topics to research was original holiday songs on television shows. Traditional carols pile up (sung by the stars!), and occasional alt-rock gems get discovered as background music on young peoples’ shows (The CW network). And Thank God for cartoons. I ran searches for individual programs on Youtube (Gunsmoke+Christmas+song) forever and ever. Nobody has their own blog on this topic than i can tell. It’s a lost cause, i tells ya!
Preferring the scripted terrain, i never went so far as to open it up to the late night shows who really go to town on the novelty Christmas song trope. Let’s stretch here…
Darlene Love adds vocals to “Christmas Time for the Jews” on SNL back in 2005, a soul sister testimonial that non-Christians can take over for one day while everything is closed for the observant. Hey now!
Also SNL (the year 2000), a song that scored near endless updates “I Wish It was Christmas Today,” rock nonsense from Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan. Okay fine bye.
Saturday Night Live‘s ugly stepchild MADtv had a couple of bits worth a mention. Canada’s comic folk chroniclers Corky and The Juice Pigs bluesify “Christmas Drunken Alibi.” Didn’t mean it, baby! Actual cool blues from Harry Connick Jr (seriously) as a guest fronting “(It Must’ve been Ol’) Santa Claus.” Nice.
Jimmy Kimmel likes some odd songs, too. He joined The Killers on his show for a wonderful alt-bitofun “Joel, the Lump of Coal.” This time the punishment is the present.
A seriously sad rockblues number from James Cordon wallows in what happens “When Christmas is Over.” Peace out.
Stephen Colbert is also not ascared of musical pieces. He won an 2010 Grammy from his old show’s musical holiday ep, including the song “A Cold, Cold Christmas,” heartbroken country humor of some considerable range. In his new show he tried to contrast jolly “Jingle Jingle (Santa Party)” silly pop singing with the angry rap of political topicality. More recently he penned supposedly the worst Xmas song of all time. “Christmas is Now” (feat. Norah Jones) soft pops repetition to madness.
Finally, let’s allow for the most tangential of topics–British holiday commercials, sung about by Adam Buxton (Dr. Buckles) in “Television Ads at Christmas” to the tune of ‘Rudolph.’ A bit esoteric, but fun.
Gimme gimme gimme songs about Christmas shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and returning gifts. Boy howdy.
Indicting capitalism Matt Roach likes “Giving Christmas the Business.” The more you spend, the more you love God. Alt garage.
Where to start? Try “K-hristmart” from Norick Eve. They have everything in alt-rock sizings.
Or, try “The Corner Store on Christmas” from Bowling for Soup (feat. Jaret Reddick). This alt pop gives us the ideas no one wants, but i like it. A lot.
Or, try “Christmas at the Old Mall” from The Likes of Jeff Pittman. The idea of a mall being old is so millennial! This jouncy country pop makes it sound like a hootenanny.
Trouble shopping? “Shoulda Went Online… Capiche?” swings out Bacio with some heavy brass. Never too late to pay extra for expedited shipping.
Teen pop swings the greed with “Give Me Everything.” The Aftershow might be a talented group of kids, or a corporate algorithm. ADHD bouncy.
Draco and the Malfoys folk the flaunt with “Christmas with My Mom and Dad.” What didn’t he get? A tragic backstory? Oh yeah, that other kid got that.
Parody interlude! The Withers take down Faith Hill’s ‘This Kiss’ with “This Gift.” Some pretty bad ideas here, gang. Take notes.
Let’s look at who’s giving whom what. Powerful (and serious) Marc Sardou alts out “The Present (To Khloe Colon).” Oddly moving.
“You Give Better Gifts to Ben” from Norick Eve altrocks the fun stuff just opened. Sudden caroling joy and squirrely whistling add up to a party.
Getting weird with love as wrapping paper, Graduation Speech plays alt rock/folk philosophical into “This is a Gift.” Snap snap, man. Beat poetic.
The New Anxiety psychoanalyze us with their must-have present accessory, “Gift Receipt.” Jazzy pop folk.
Or better yet, BLUE ALERT “Regift That Shit!” Pop screaming from DJ Timbo.
Dealing with that regifting, Mr. Cork narrates “A Recycled Christmas Story.” Gentle jazz background reminiscent of a coffeehouse recitation of ‘Grinch.’
What do you need? I mean really? “All the Gifts I Need” is the joy of Christmas, swings JD McPherson. Cool, daddi-o.