Dependent Claus: knees together

Perhaps the novelty Christmas songs have gone too far tracing Mrs. Claus’s moral turpitude. What about the maturer wife of Santa?

[Sidebar: have to spend another minute or eight for Mark Arnett’s Santa’s lament “I Miss You Most at Christmas (Now That You are Dead).” Here’s the entire comedy skit with Eugene Claus processing his grief. The actual song starts three and a half minutes in. Guess she’s not a sex symbol dead.]

“Mrs. Claus in Menopause” is that amiable agenda-heavy comedy showtune from Mary Keydash. Hot flash is the harshest punchline, so family friendly.

1980s valley girl protest punk from The Sterilles complains about all things Christmas. But “Mrs. Claus Has Menopause” seems to target the problems on one source: that old lady.

Dependent Claus: she’s gone too far

Mrs. Claus wouldn’t stray completely away–would she? I mean, not as the town trollop?

Vince Lundi gets sophomoric with his indictment of her sleazy easiness in “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Claus!” a rock tribute to the ho ho ho who sits on his north pole. It’s that way.

The folk approach from Matt Roach offers “The Mrs. Santa Sleeping Around Song.” The innuendos go up-you-end-os.

Garage folk (or just ‘unplugged’) recommends “Hold Your Head Up Santa Claus” ‘cuz yo’ wife a whore. Less attempt at humor, more attempt at music from JWJ.

Dependent Claus: him or him

Will Mrs. Claus confront the man in her life about the other man (men?)? Could be a fight coming–

Santa better get outta their way when Kyle Tennis & The Riverside Swing Band confess their swinging blues feelings for “Mrs. Claus.”

Not exactly pressing the ultimatum, Craig Sperry knows how “Mrs. Claus” would be better off. Raw blues rock. Spookily sincere for its absurdity.

Dependent Claus: stalked her out of it

Is she obsessable? Mrs. Santa Claus is the pinnacle of–her type. Matronophilia? Some guys lose it over that sweet homemaker image.

Maniacs got it bad when they transition from cowboy to pub rock as “Mrs. Claus’s Lover.” Sad, but rollicking.

The Dan Band flame the torch high with their letter to “Mrs. Claus.” Droll prog rock putting her up on a pedestal. Love the line about not even knowing her first name.

R Kelly gives it up for his soul soaring R+B “Mrs. Santa Claus.” Is he the new James Brown? Or is he powered by love? Heavy.

Dependent Claus: cheatin’ to third base BLUE ALERT

Something about the ideal marriage makes all the young studs want to divide and conquer. Mrs. Claus has a target between her legs.

Hoover’s G-String has a melancholy morning after alt number about Mrs. Claus. ‘Put the blame on me,’ they offer, as some form of gentlemen, with “The Ballad of Mrs. Claus.” What’s her walk of shame look like?

Bad Royale (feat Jay Nahge) has it in for “Mrs. Claus.” This rap gets BLUE but sounds full service for the lady.

Clumsy country honky tonk from Rico Loco sets up “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” She’ll get (oh my) a pokin’ and a squirtin.’ And even a reamin’. Guessin’ that’s obscene.

Size 14 punks “Mrs. Claus” with verve and gusto. It may have been the wine… the first time. But the upshot is–no one’s getting presents anywhere near this guy. VERY NAUGHTY.

Dependent Claus: cuckolding him to second base

How can Mrs. Claus keep warm when Santa’s delivering the toys? Some naughty boys have some rascally ideas.

Some of these adulterous allegations are couched in kid-friendly imagery, so i figure lots of fooling around–but nothing x-rated. See for yourself: “Mrs. Claus is on the Naughty List” by HawkBaby. Autotuning the swing doesn’t exactly qualify for a blue alert.

Ross and Dave have moves for “Mrs. Claus (I’m in Love with You).” Sweet Elvis classic rock moves, i do believe.

One night only, but Hayden Stearns wants to fulfill Mrs. C’s dreams. “Hey Mrs. Claus” is Euro-pop rock with bouncy flirtatiousness. Only slightly nasty.

The Barr Brothers use harp and Hawaiian strumming to retro ballad “Dear Mrs. Claus.” These are the moves, my men. Take note.

Dependent Claus: some other guy’s first base

Mrs. Claus looks so lonely that one special night. Could just give her a kiss.

“A Kiss from Mrs. Claus” would be the best present. Alt from Hoggle’s Jewelry (Arbor Christmas: Vol. 1).

Lips’ll be locking with the jazzy pop stylings of Baggio with their “Mrs. Claus.” You got them singing. Your fault.

WSLY (feat. Hazen) has been a good boy and offers a sleigh ride for her–and let’s see where it takes us. A kiss? You don’t say! Breathy garage pop for “Hey Mrs. Claus.”