Wait for a Near Bummer

Class up the kidsong, zip up the talent and tempo, and we have less than a mess and more of a cynical manipulation. I can’t help how i can’t stomach Raffi and his ilk.

Some imagination over food and Santa interaction boosts “Can’t Wait for Christmas Morning” by Johanna Lewis. But the sweetly humble kid intonations make me pick this as a song for the retirement home, rather than the romper room.

The Texas twang of Rosie Flores imbues corrido-stylings to “Watchoo Waitin’ for Christmas?” lofting it to higher musical levels. ‘Cause then there’s food again. And then there’s accordion, and honkytonk piano. Finally the stilted beat seems almost reprimanding. Can’t recommend this to anyone under 55.

The message in “I Can’t Wait!” by Patch the Pirate is unbearable anticipation for Grandma to open the special present from ME, the kid. Showtune shenanigans that feels by-the-numbers for all its ingenuity.

Warmed over retro rock for the chilluns should set me back on my heels, but i’m only slightly offended by The Wiggles crooning “Just Can’t Wait for Christmas Day.” It stinks of dad-hobby, but the boys’ve got talent: C-.

Wait for Whoopsie

Even when kid songs are slickly done, they overload the smarm factor to the point of nauseous nurturing. I’m down on all fours to show you I care!

The Crocodettes go sped-up chipmunk vocals for “I Can’t Wait for Santa Claus.” a catchy, calculating treacle. The greed is ‘adorable,’ but the electronic brass is horrible.

Earnest and harmonious, The Polka Dots march-chant “I Can’t Wait for Christmas” with that mixed message of unbridled desire and snare drum. Confusing, and yet… math.

Bad mic and glockenspiel don’t slow Cheryl L Gleason’s “I Just Can’t Wait for Christmas,” which is more annoying chant to get the parents to give one up early, than actual kidsong.

Sue Bleazard’s SingKids! entry “Waiting for Christmas” is more plodding, but just as syncopated to introduce Bethlehem and JC and patience. No one wants to sing along with this.

Wait for Catastrophe

Sometimes i feel songwriters sleepwalk through their work. Here’s a list of topic points, ba-dooba-doo: there’s a song. Stringing cliches together don’t send me. But it probably sells.

J Robert Spencer runs some grandpa+grandma+presents through some gospel country pop and delivers “Waiting on Christmas.” Does it say something besides Next! ?

Wildson (feat. Ed Mills) runs more easy listening band-style with their “Waiting for Christmas.” Socks… snow… radio singing = song. Questions? Class? Wake up!

Bryan White whitens the depth of the holidays with his pop sashaying “I Can’t Wait ’til Christmas.” Tinsel-miss you-misteltoe-love you… less and less imagery, more and more feels. And the singsong aftereffects.

Wait for Poop

I’ve been on the kids’ soap box before about the condescension toward the developing with music for children: brash, cacophonous, repetitive… it’s like a seizure. Of joy. Sets my hackles to rising.

Mercifully short, Gerbert’s “I Can’t Wait ’til Christmas” is that forced funny voice of childlike moronity, with a tinkly pop rhythm that’s almost music.

When it’s YOUR kids, the holiday assembly at the elementary school is breathtaking, except for how your precocious pre-adult ISN’T featured center!! “If You Can’t Wait for Christmas” is one of those milquetoast bits o’ schmaltz that by offending no one entertains everyone. Thanks to Denise Gagne.

Even worse, is the amateur prodigy thrust into fame. Holly Collins gets no technical support while shouting and slurring through “I Can’t Wait for Christmas.” This country/pop gospel barn burner has a seed of promise, but it’s hard to feel it through the stink.

Wait for Disaster

Let’s try this again. Rather than dwell on the imminency of Christmas, we shall talk about our feelings concerning waiting for Christmas. Is it delightful? Is it excruciating? Is it just something we do while the end invariably approaches?

And instead of filing through bad, mediocre, and good songs each day, try we all the smelly, then all the okay, then all the bearable, etc.

Commence:

Music with Quinn dares to improvise a Christmas carol on-the-spot. When improv (accidentally) stumbles upon sense, we laugh with relief. “I Can’t Wait ’til Christmas” is not that pop success. The falsetto doesn’t help.

Swing band jazz promises cool. But The Chocolate Jazz Band knows too few licks and gets stuck in a rut of tempo through “You Tell Me Why I Wait for Christmas.”

Another who means well is Lambert Wilson. His electric piano rhythms, his thick accent, his monotone–they all make “I Can’t Wait for Christmas” fun for his immediate family only. This calypso easy listening polka mashup is the casserole left in the corner of the buffet.

A Near Thing -1 & done

Did i save the best proximal Xmas songs for last? You be the supreme justice!

Garage angst makes a smirkery of the season when King Lazy Bones waxes punketical about what it means when “Christmas is Just Around the Corner.” Check yourself, consumer.

The message-laden pontification of “It’s Almost Christmas” by Neil Werden is betrayed by the fluffy folk timpani and fun of the delivery. Wee hah, knee slapped! He feels bad! Haha haha ha.

Leave it to those wacky Canadians to open my eyes to the real meaning of irony. “Christmas is Almost Here” is a schoolyard chant by Arrogant Worms, wherein the agony and screaming is offset by the fancy fiddling and increasing tempo. A whirling dervish of delightful suffering.

A Near Thing -2

Oh. Christmas. Soon. Ho hum.

Diederick Van Eck strums a cowboy guitar for “Almost Christmas,” but his sauntering through the kids’ happy cries really brings down the joy. (He even says, ‘Hey, don’t shout.’) Quite matter of fact, but not in a hip way.

Strumming out some Devo-folk Black Cherry monotones “Christmas is Almost Here” so you’ll have to dig the meaning out of this druidic chant yourself.

Living room becomes coffee house for Cassidy Brennan, whose folk musings play low key in her “Almost Christmas.” Pretty vocals. Woeful tone.

Almost amateurishly recorded, Johnny Bennett layers in some blues lament with the folk to dampen the dark “Christmas Time is Almost Here.” Dread it.

The Automatics get more pop lively with “It’s Almost Christmas Day.” But the punk overtones and interweaving imagery make me lose the traditional wonder and stare at my navel. Good, if inappropriate.

A Near Thing -4

Sometimes a hidden agenda, an urgent message worms its way into the excitement of Christmas’s border.

Entaune play it straight with a soaring, spiritual celebration of the bric-a-brac of the holiday’s imminence. Then: help the homeless! Outta nowhere! Bait and switch! “Almost Christmas Eve” survives its pop platitudes nonetheless.

Frearson pulls a 90 degree turn within “I Can’t Believe It’s Nearly Christmas” to admit failure at dieting, family planning, ambition, and general self actualization. Dude, take a breath. Slow pop. Mad fun.

A Near Thing -5

The closer Christmas gets, the further happiness happens. For some, the overshadowing omnipresence is a ruddy reminder of regret. Bummer.

The Twang slow rock a drinking song “On the 24th.” He loves her, he’s trying to forget her, there’s the tavern…. (I need a hug.)

Carla Hartsfield gets metaphorical with skates and wings and dogs but her “Almost Christmas” is despondent impatience waiting for him. Tinkly woman folk. Maybe my y-chromosome excludes my appreciation….

Droesem garage symphonies about the aftermath of domestic conflict. “Almost Christmas Time” sounds bleak as it is. I don’t think he’s going to make it….

Raggs Gustaffe (feat. Panama Scarrett) lays a Carrib dirge of dire proportions with “Christmas Just Around the Corner.” Now it’s scary.