A Near Thing -29

So, i guess, kids music is crap. At best it’s an earworm of clapping and shouting, but it strikes me too often as condescending overexplanation. No wonder kids rebel younger every year. Like mini-Robespierres, they want their turn in the power chair telling even littler ones whassup.

So, the worst of kidsong sounds like… The Wiggles. This Australian ’90s sensation indoctrinated children to marshmallow versions of music genres, so they wouldn’t know jazz if it fell on them. Here “Wags, Stop Your Barking! It’s Almost Christmas Day!” (feat. Barry Williams) devalues rock below dadrock into Disney levels of showtune.

More traditionally pablumatic, Mr. Ray & The Little Sunshine Kids feature a sound Kim Jong Un would smile at: chorussed Christmas spirit with every voice fulfilling its joyful duty. “It’s Almost Christmas” is the formula, not that’s there anything right with that.

Retro fun comes with the exercise workout percussive workout from Hilary Henshaw “Christmas is Nearly Here.” Gather round all the ADHDs to drill. The unintentional irony helps.

Serious show tune gets me in the mood (except for how all the songs sound the same), so a moment for a well done Sesame Street melody from Elmo and Sheryl Crow “It’s Almost Christmas” (the title being basic the entire lyric for the singing).

What gets me up in the morning, though, is the rando existential playfulness of “Yell It Out! (It’s Almost Christmas).” The childishly affected mushmouthing, the jazzy improv tambourine, the wandering train of thought–that’s anticipation for the BIG Day! That’s what that is all right.

A Near Thing -30

Songs that notice Xmas is nearby get at turns hyper, hopeful, humble, or hopeless. Hoo boy. Let’s try something new, i’ll list these in order of quality. I may dis or kiss a cut, but generally I present everything I can find with brief contextualizations. For a month, it’s judgment day. (That’s a Christmas tradition, right?)

My taste does NOT veer toward watered down R&B easy listening love fests barely suitable for background muzak in polite white church foyer. So beware of pointless pap like “Christmas Day Is Almost Here” by Ira Antelis and Thomas Clark (feat. Jess Godwin). It’s pretty, but all icing–no cake.

Cramming the pop tune with kids (and even more cliche) does not help much. But “Nearly Christmas” by Sinead McNally has a light lilt that bounces with musicality. Better.

“It’s Almost Christmas Time” ups the melody ante with orchestral depth (guitar and sax) and some uncalled for vocal riffing. So this pop tune turns my head a bit. Thanks Audiomade.

In my rotating playlist is Stay for Fireworks’s “It’s Almost Christmas Time.” This mildly manic synco-pop comes off jug band meets jazzabilly. And they seem to be enjoying themselves. It’s an A.

Mall World: i give up

The question of the mall Santa sometimes becomes the canvas across which various artists paint, piss, posture, or otherwise pontificate. I don’t pretend to understand the themes you are about to encounter.

Starving Millions (blue alert) beat metal for their “Mall Santa.” Huh?

Divine Right warble garage with their “Mall Santa.” Pardon?

The ever rando Darlene Como ethereally stumbles up into “Santa’s Lap Cookies.” And for that we WTF you.

Mall World: satirically

The mall Santa is an established trope for all, therefore fodder for musical parody. Low concept work best when you’re substituting lyrics.

‘Coming to Town’ gets the naughty treatment from Carrie Dahlby & The Sherlocks as “Mall Santa” starts flashing, and not in a disco-kind-of way. Unfortunate underage burlesque.

Queen gets queered by Paul Adlrich in the above-average “We’re the Mall Santas.” It’s ‘We are the Champions’ with a bit of wit, which is what the world needs right about now.

Here’s something you don’t see everyday… Monty Python parody. Seth Gamba takes the ‘Lumberjack’ song around the block in “The Mall Santa Song.” Amateur, but he’s okay so worth a listen.

Mall World: double take

One of the problems with Santa at the mall is that (in the old days) we had malls every few neighborhoods apart. So, when Daddy had trouble finding the right gift for Mommy at the Center, he had to go to the Square, then maybe to the Consortium–and darnitall if they’re weren’t a Santa at each and every one! It’s enough to give a child a double take.

Bunch of Believers spell it S-K-A with their “So Many Santas.” Then they ruin it with a sermon about how all those Nativity scenes only have ONE baby.

A cappella masters The Bobs slow the roll with the epochal “Too Many Santas,” reprised here for your sanity. As is Gayla Peevey’s “77 Santas.” Kids see the darnedest things.

Hokum appear! Hal Willis kidsongs the trouble of “Santa’s Clones.” Holy Dolly the Sheep, kidlings!

Canned Hamm and Friends bewail the crowds in the “Santa Claus Parade.” It’s a hoot and a half of ironic kid song, though i suspect there may be only one Kris Kringle. Still–the noise!!

Maxwell, Miranda, Parsely return us to the cool setting with their bluesy “Too Many Santas.” Things that make you go hmm.

Mall World: cameo

We’ve been swarming to the box stores around late December for the sole purpose of seeing the big guy in red. But, i admit it, Santa might be somewhere at the other end of the promenade, or not even on duty. As they say, if you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall. So let’s celebrate the real estate.

One of my favorite parody bits is Joel Kopischke’s Green Day funny “Shopping Mall of Broken Dreams.” I encore it here with great joy.

Jerry Reed does his country comedy with “Christmas at the Mall.” Trouble is, he’s past his due date and this wheezing whopper is hard to bear.

A great whale of a jug band thumper (just a glimpse of St. Nick) is The Like of Jeff Pittman’s “Christmas at the Old Mall.” Jig by the J.C.Penny’s!

Where to observe the covenant of Christmas? Let’s meet at Toys R Us… or Old Navy! pop croon Girlfriend Material in “It’s All in the Mall.” Not a lot of holiday directly mentioned here, but what a party tune (and it’s on their album If Anyone Asks, Just Tell Them You’re Santa Claus).

Tom Chapin slaps around Wenceslas, Gilbert and Sullivan, Tchchaikovsky and with loads of French horns gallops about with “Bruno’s Christmas on the Mall.” It’s a kidsong epic adventure in child neglect and magical vandalism.

Mall World: is it hot in here?

Santa’s lap (at the mall) is a metaphor for sex, at times. For the truly twisted.

Joey & Rory juggle the kiddies’ wantings with the adult flirtatiousness of “Come Sit on Santa Claus’s Lap.” It’s country barn pop.

Casdaluchi Ent & Luchi Toons get confusedly, ungrammatically not-quite-growed-up with “Sit on My Lap Like Santa Claus.” The broken music box beat distracts from the weak-sauce double entendres, but the rap is earnest.