KEEP ON HANGIN’ THAT Stocking

“Hang Up the Baby’s Stocking” is the lullaby you didn’t need from Christmas Music for Kids. Babies don’t really care, y’know.

Michael M. went to the trouble of re-editing Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas Everybody‘ so only the first line–about stocking hanging–is repeated ad nauseam. Love it.

Squirrel Nut Zippers’s epic Xmas journey begins with “Hanging Up My Stockings.” But this jug band take paints us a whole living room worth of kitsch. Whew.

“Hanging Up My Stockings” is that slow banjo exploration of feelings that adults get this time of the year. Plaintive folky bluegrass from Debbie Davis and Matt Perrine.

HANGING THE Stocking

Perhaps the original Saint Nicholas tossed treasure in through open windows (in December?) which landed in socks, but when did kids start hoisting old bits of clothing up onto furniture (bedposts)? Certainly after Clement Clarke Moore’s 1823 poem. But all that means is: A) Santa’s too busy to wrap, and 2) Santa only gives teeny tiny gifts. A pony isn’t going to fit in a stocking, bruh.

Let’s start with the hanging of the footwear!

“Hanging Up My Christmas Stocking” is the middle-of-the-road country mush from James McKillop (for charity!) about happiness and joy, everyone!

A righteous tutorial from Sam Scola (with weird throat harmony) points out how to hang “My Christmas Stocking.” It goes by pop music fast, so get your note-taking pencil now.

“Let’s Hang a Stocking Up” is a better pop kidsong due to an authentic RnR backbeat (and great snare action) from Katy & Kiki. Go, Ozzies, go!

Not fluent kidsong from SKG kids seems to (want to) educate, but “I Hang the Stockings” is a tough read. Good kickline music. Oh, brother.

NO CHIMNEY

Santa still comes when there’s an absence of chimney, right?

The Dumpster Company pop through the options with their “No Chimney.” Pick one!

Through the radiator? The window? “No Chimney (2020)” by The Clapis Cousins frets and puzzles the problem. Ukulele pathos.

“If I Don​’​t Have a Chimney” is only the beginning of the problems for The Christmas Jug Band. More country than jug, this three hanky weeper wanders through the wonderings of a poor child. (No fireplaces at the shelter….)

“Ain’t No Chimneys In The Projects” soul declare Sharon Jones & The Dap​-​Kings. Still some blessings, tho. Funky funky schooling for you ‘burbanites.

“Santa, No Chimney” bewail The Bad Companions. Rockabilly with extra points for that extra syllable in ‘chimney.’ Points off, however, for the backup plan. Still–cool. (Or would you prefer The Osmond Brothers with this novelty.)

Smooth Roof

Can you just skip the chimney?

Michelle Hill and The Snowflakes garage up the indie “All I Want For Christmas Is Food (Passover My Chimney).” Perhaps Hebrew in origin, these folks just say No to the el.

Fountain Dew reveals the aluminum foil and lightbulb which means “The Fireplace is a Hoax.” Claus blocked! Effective garage.

More assertively, Dick Blowtorch wails garage electronica about “Waiting by da Chimney with a Baseball Bat (Oh Yeah).” I feel his pain (in my ears).

Flashing

And when it’s not possible?

“Santa Canta Getta Downa the Chimney This Year” by Todd Burge is relentless punk metal purporting it’s a weight issue on the Santa side of the scale. Still, no go.

On the other hand “World’s Smallest Chimney” presents its own problem set. Casey Weissbuch has little to add to this metal fest.

Antoine Dodson doesn’t anything to do with that “Chimney Intruder.” Modulated rap weirdness.

Darkcave has a simple suggestion. “Don’t Block the Chimney.” Indie solutions are the rockinest.

Carbon Footprint

Let’s not focus on that slippery saint so much….

Bill Chiklakis shoehorns in a JC name drop in his jazzy big band “Down the Chimney.” It’s for the reverential kid in all of us.

Perhaps ironic when Kanye invokes Thank Claus almighty in the rap introductory (w/Assassin) in “I’m in It (The Chimney).” Humorous, but still edgy.

Elektrodinosaur does the ultimate mashup rapping “Baby Jesus Down Your Chimney Tonight.” tongue in cheek, yet you deserve this.

Charlie Louvin uses a twangy country mush mouth (what else) to educate you that “Jesus Won’t Come Down Your Chimney.” Got it? Good!

Spark Arrester

Santa? Is that you?

“Santa Man Comin Down Your Chimney” (Original) by John Band’s Family Ham is a disco garage effort to sneak Krampus into your house.

Birthing Stirrups warns you to COVER UP YOUR CHIMNEY in their electronic ditto machine of “Krampus Grill.” I’ll leave you to get to it.

Scrooge gets fingered in “Krampus in ur Chimney,” an odd mix of movie samples, rap, and silliness from The Snowflakes.

Smoke

Cozy up!

“Fireplace” by Sam Shrieve is pop on a romantic creep. All he wants for the holidays is you by the fireplace. Willingly? Doesn’t say.

Piano lounge from Benton Stokes looks forward to “Sitting by the Fire with You.” Sentimental fool.

“Sittin’ by the Fire (With My Dear)” is the repetitive calliope of a love song from Fruitcakes. Is it hot in here?

Deconstructivistically, The Non Traditionals soothingly croon about the need for a “Forest in My Chimney” to make the fire possible. So–those burning things… used to be trees?

Simile from Endiamonds slurs the indie pop of “You’re Like A Fireplace.” A smoke show, i reckon.

The cast of ‘Naughty… But Nice’ R+B about the “Fireplace Man.” He’s the almost unseen man on the TV version, but still seductive.

Optional Fan

How nasty can novelty songs about chimneys get?

“Santa’s Cumming Down Your Chimney, Stay Still” commands  Saint Replace The N With A D ick. This gruntfest of an R+B sexcpade skirts the blue alert label, just barely.

The sissy dicks earn a provisional BLUE ALERT for their bluegrass hollering in “Cum Down My Chimney.” It’s pretty nasty.

Especially nasty is “Chimney Sweeping” by Spoon DogG (ft. T​-​Pop). Barking rap without class.

Classily obscene is T. Kyle’s “I’m Coming Down Your Chimney.” It’s EDM, but clothing optional. Catchy or just stuck in a rut?

Stack

Encore the euphemisms! Currently Disconnected threaten us with what is “Coming Down Your Chimney.” He’s gonna do stuff to your cookies!

Cory Goodrich divas the jazz suggestion “Santa, Come Down My Chimney” with gusto. I’m blushing.

Ryan Lindsey (with help) croons the jazzy “I’ll Come Down Your Chimney” with a cocked eyebrow. Slow in pacing but not to be denied.

“Down the Chimney” from FSO (featuring Miss Amy) raps the merry Christmas with a little extra.

Susan Madson adds extra torch for “Santa Your Comin Down My Chimney Ain’t Ya.” Lounge jazz that may leave you a bit sweaty.