Category: pop music

ReduXmas: SciFi Messiah

Due to the number of geek/nerd acquaintances in my realms, i dug into science fiction (real aficionados hate the shortened form) Christmas songs. I had hoped to represent Christmas on Mercury and each of the other planets. Note to aspiring novelteers: only the moon and Mars are taken. So i settled for TV show fan fawning. A couple cool tunes did pop up Here are some more.

Piedmont Songbag answers the question What do boy-geniuses do when it’s April and they want holiday pageantry/presents NOW? “Christmas Time Machine” licks OG rock ‘n’ roll with some Jerry Lee flare. And a happy ending, unusual for their brand of iconoclasm.

“Rocket Ship Santa” continues the nasty rockabilly with The BellRays (feat. Lisa Kekaula, Tony Fate, and Bob Vennum). Flames a bit, but some by-the-numbers.

Rolling into rocking (alt) pop, Watch Out for Rockets settles their need for feline companionship AND technical upgrades with “Kitty Robot.” Brave new world that has such clickable purchases in it.

Finally some electronica! Control Volume randos out with “Robot Santa.” Brought to you by the Something Awful guys. Warned you.

Not to be confused with Kharmakray’s “Robot Jesus,” more a testimonial about church than holiday. But Christmas gets a call out.

The ‘Chocolate Rain’ guy from Youtube, call him Tay Zonday, has a lightly veiled topical metaphor “Alien Christmas!” Who would Jesus allow in? Pop loud.

Christmas Queens bring you Jackie Beat & Katya dragging the spaceways with “Bossa Nova Christmas in Outer Space.” Yeah, it’s got that beat. And some rap form romanticals. Fruit-cakey naughtiness.

Finding Room at the Inn (BLUE ALERT)

It’s showtime! Bumping uglies! Making the beast of two backs! Sex!! Did i mean specifically Christmas sex!? In song?

Shall we proposition?

Habitual Sex Offenders do it wrong with “Please Douche Before Christmas.” Great rock chords, but 12 days of feminine hygiene products? No.

Vybz Kartel Radio plays some powerful Carrib parang-rap. I’m all in the mood from “Christmas Fck.” It’s persuasive.

Jack Douglass plays the fool for his jacksfilms but he’s a shrewd comic song and parody man. Check out his boy band tribute “Christmas Sex.” Say yes, girl.

Opening the Advent Calendar (BLUE ALERT)

Santa, don’t forget the kids! That horndog doesn’t miss a trick.

Some repeats gather here: Barnes and Barnes jolly up the childish visions of sugarpubes with “I Had Sex with Santa.” Electro-pop.

Joel Kopischke masterfully parodies the Kinks’ ‘Lola’ with the nasty “Santa.” Not as actionably pedophilic as the others.

Jason Didawick plays the jammied preteen with his pop playful “Santa’s Fucking Me Under My Christmas Tree,” which i presume is geographical not anatomical.

Naughty Not Nice (BLUE ALERT)

From the feminine viewpoint, sex can be measured in disappointment. And no better example is that of underrated Mrs. Claus. Does she even have a name? (Well, but, how many?!)

SNL’s Aidy Bryant showcases a “Please Skip Christmas” song about her neglectedness. Nice try.

Brazzers (uh oh) presents “A Lonely Milf at Christmas,” a not-so-blue jazz number with an extended intro and overlong outro and middling talent (Kagney Linn Carter).

With even less quality, but more depravity comes Rico Loco and “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” Country Western porn.

I believe we’ve basked in the superior parody of Bob Rivers’s “Me and Mrs. Claus.” Giggle giggle.

Tau is into “Ms. Claus” and goes electropop to raise your eyebrows. Re-owr.

Igniting the Yule Log

Let’s keep you in the mood with even more exciting Xmas tunes that’ll lift your pants.

Allstarbandit elctro-Djs “Dirty Horney (Under the Misteltoe)” as a dance experiment in lusting up the joint. I give it a 7, Johnny: i don’t unnerstanem, but i can bump2it.

“Horny at the Holidays” by dadaists Barnes & Barnes might cool your jets. Ironic eroticism is curious, but offputting.

Santastic is a labor of love by DJs, mashup artists, and the like, sampling all the hits to recreate new experiences for you and yours at the holidays. Mousee T and The Dandy Warhols are spliced up for “Horny Christmas” as doctored up by Loo & Placido off the Santastic 6 album. It’s easier to just lissen up.

Shaking Presents (BLUE ALERT)

What’s a guy going to do with a penis around Christmas? Well, if he can’t give it away, he might just gift himself.

On the one hand, Ross Everett claims “No One Jerks off on Christmas.” A lively folk carol.

On the other hand, Ivor Biggun asks Santa to “Give Us a Wank for Christmas.” It’s give and get for this Brit jazzy pop bit.

MacLean and MacLean choral chant “Merry Christmas Handjob” about as matter of fact as you can get. Give those boys a handtowel.

Buttering the Cookie Sheets (BLUE ALERT)

Now, for the ladies…

How do women express sexual interest for Xmas?

Ari Mason sashays in front of the Grand Canyon (really, girl?) asking for “Christmas Sex.” Not sure about the Sisyphus allusion, but she alt rock insists she’s a ‘freak in the sheets.’

The Stilette-Hos pop rock out that collectively “I Want Sex for Christmas.” They ain’t subtle, but they are bouncy.

Fraudulent Unacknowledged Crooked Koran (BLUE ALERT)

While whooping it up, being true to our school, we might at times take other names in vain.

Certainly South Park is known for this xenophobic excoriation with Mr. Garrison’s “Merry Fucking Christmas,” a show stopping number you can holler to be racist, or be ironic about racists. Seen this already.

Justin Cooper playfully paeans the American way with “A Fuck You Christmas Song.” Tooting and tootling, we face alcoholism, patriotism, and apathetic despair. Love Xmas or eat shit and die.