Category: pop music

ReduXmas: Don We Now

Fashion never goes out of fashion. Except when it does. Songs about what to wear for the holidays is a funny little curiosity of a pigeonhole. From head to toe they’re all over the place.

Manila Luzon takes her queen act luxe with “Slay Bells,” defining wintry appeal with doowop rock and crazy rich finery.

Unfortunate clothing gaffes include “Why is Santa Wearing a Thong?” from Shark Uppercut. Too late, you can’t unthink it. This whale tale is electronic pop applied for maximum damage.

Goldentusk, such a nice Jewish boy, virtuosoistically jams on the ragtime jazz with “The Only Holiday Gift Worth Giving.” (It’s socks!) (I swear!)

On the other foot, Matt Roach garage rages about the trauma of getting clothes for Xmas in “Toys for Boys.” He’s going to need therapy.

Full on underage prurient pop from Wengie takes on “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Breathlessly purring ‘Put it on! Put it on!’ doesn’t convey a clear message about the sweater or its ugliness. Danceable, tho.

ReduXmas: Snow Business

Taking a break from strict Christian-capitalist mythos, snow became the padding for many Xmas albums. What YOU celebrating if not the miracle of visible precip?

It can’t be Xmas until that first snowfall, yea? If there’s no “Snowflakes for Christmas” the Crystalairs will doowop you a dire scene.

‘Course snow can be the metaphor you dance to, vis-à-vis “Snow Machine” from Sharon Needles. Classy techno dance pop.

More dance dance dance from Holidelic with “Snowglobe,” a threat, treat, and tease all-in-one. Funky rock.

Poppy alt from Emmy the Great and Time Wheeler equates “Snowflakes” with the early traces of love. For good and bad.

Potterphiles love it when “It’s Snowing,” according to the dramatic pop of Catchlove. Yeah, okay, i dunno which Rowling chapter this references.

“No Snow (Just Rain Dear)” is rock with just a fingerful of pop from Dr. BLT, teaching us that holiday weather matters less than puns.

Dr. BLT next reveals “It’s Snowing in My Heart” since he lost you. Lite country rock that doesn’t want the snow so much

That inconvenience of “Snowed In on Christmas” piles the pop onto the folk of The New Anxiety. Perky misery.

ReduXmas: Consume-mas Quantities

Eating may have been the original reason for the season. Making it to the snowy solstice was a milestone worth of a mini-feast. Planting season was on the home stretch!

“I Ate Too Much Over the Holidays” from Lee Shot Williams may confuse food with sex, but the silky R+B blues makes it go down smooth.

And it’s not always yummy! Dysfunctional Family Band observes “Santa was Eating the Christmas Tree.” Childish glee into pop music.. wha? it was a dream!

On the other big band, JD McPherson bemoans “Hey Skinny Santa!” This jazzy chant to eat eat eat would motivate any Father to fatten up.

Shark Uppercut to the rescue. “Ham City” is a rap-sterpiece of techno meat music. “Xmas Hams” from Jiggly Caliente (feat. ginger Minj) gets back on the ‘Jingle Bells’ craving jag. Many more foods get the call out. Whoo! Got the sweats.

The entire sweet potato casserole recipe is sung out with pop assuredness to Detox (feat. Mamatox) in “Homemade for the Holidays,” pop R+B disco.

Now a simple spread might begin with “Nuts & Eggs.” But Piedmont Songbag is peeved to the blues because this was the only present you got ’em! Not enough!

Fortress of Attitude ‘Dreidel’ us some “Bagel Bagel Bagel.” Yes, it goes on and on, but so does my chewing. Look out, ex-wife Shannon!

“Tamale Christmas” corridos up the southern specialty (Texan) from Joe ‘King’ Carrasco Y El Molino. It’s better background music than song.

Don’t leave! Still time to grab your “Christmas Tacos” with your bestest buds. Between Disasters tosses down a pop salsa party of minced portions. (I suspect this is for crashing and hangovers. But, still, yum.)

ReduXmas: Dance Like Santa’s Watching

Another sloppy category: a number of songs i used referenced the kind of music, which (for the kids) was the kind of response we might have spasmed to react to this or that genre. I had hoped to find a particular holiday step or routine with each number.

Rock, for example. “Santa’s Rocking Machine” is a great song from Watch Out for Rockets. But it’s rocking the rock, not walking the walk. Still great, just fudging the theme. (Now i can only think about fudgey themes.)

Wait, you thought Santa sambaed? “Santa said, ‘No Samba’” according to Jerry Becker. You might wanna warmup first. It’s pretty frisky; he’s going to change his mind.

What we really want is the latest holiday craze like Girls With Glasses counting out the “Itchy Sweater Shake.” Infectious pop, albeit short.

Where’s the rave tune?! V2A infects us with the “Christmas Day Virus” so that we must all da-da-da-dance!

Or, more basically, Red State Update calls out the moves for “Christmas Dance.” Shake it like you wrapped it. Rock pop. (Watch out for the fake out ending.)

Or, more childsihly, “Rocking Christmas Stockings” from the String Beans. Very easy beat. Very boring kid pop.

Or, more awfully, JossiRossi gives us Something Awful with “Sexy Christmas Dance.” It’s so bad, it’s actually bad.

Or, more ‘comically,’ BenDeLaCrème suggesting “The Nativity Twist.” Na nana na na, crazy little number! Follow that star now! Everybody donkey!

ReduXmas: SciFi Messiah

Due to the number of geek/nerd acquaintances in my realms, i dug into science fiction (real aficionados hate the shortened form) Christmas songs. I had hoped to represent Christmas on Mercury and each of the other planets. Note to aspiring novelteers: only the moon and Mars are taken. So i settled for TV show fan fawning. A couple cool tunes did pop up Here are some more.

Piedmont Songbag answers the question What do boy-geniuses do when it’s April and they want holiday pageantry/presents NOW? “Christmas Time Machine” licks OG rock ‘n’ roll with some Jerry Lee flare. And a happy ending, unusual for their brand of iconoclasm.

“Rocket Ship Santa” continues the nasty rockabilly with The BellRays (feat. Lisa Kekaula, Tony Fate, and Bob Vennum). Flames a bit, but some by-the-numbers.

Rolling into rocking (alt) pop, Watch Out for Rockets settles their need for feline companionship AND technical upgrades with “Kitty Robot.” Brave new world that has such clickable purchases in it.

Finally some electronica! Control Volume randos out with “Robot Santa.” Brought to you by the Something Awful guys. Warned you.

Not to be confused with Kharmakray’s “Robot Jesus,” more a testimonial about church than holiday. But Christmas gets a call out.

The ‘Chocolate Rain’ guy from Youtube, call him Tay Zonday, has a lightly veiled topical metaphor “Alien Christmas!” Who would Jesus allow in? Pop loud.

Christmas Queens bring you Jackie Beat & Katya dragging the spaceways with “Bossa Nova Christmas in Outer Space.” Yeah, it’s got that beat. And some rap form romanticals. Fruit-cakey naughtiness.

Finding Room at the Inn (BLUE ALERT)

It’s showtime! Bumping uglies! Making the beast of two backs! Sex!! Did i mean specifically Christmas sex!? In song?

Shall we proposition?

Habitual Sex Offenders do it wrong with “Please Douche Before Christmas.” Great rock chords, but 12 days of feminine hygiene products? No.

Vybz Kartel Radio plays some powerful Carrib parang-rap. I’m all in the mood from “Christmas Fck.” It’s persuasive.

Jack Douglass plays the fool for his jacksfilms but he’s a shrewd comic song and parody man. Check out his boy band tribute “Christmas Sex.” Say yes, girl.

Opening the Advent Calendar (BLUE ALERT)

Santa, don’t forget the kids! That horndog doesn’t miss a trick.

Some repeats gather here: Barnes and Barnes jolly up the childish visions of sugarpubes with “I Had Sex with Santa.” Electro-pop.

Joel Kopischke masterfully parodies the Kinks’ ‘Lola’ with the nasty “Santa.” Not as actionably pedophilic as the others.

Jason Didawick plays the jammied preteen with his pop playful “Santa’s Fucking Me Under My Christmas Tree,” which i presume is geographical not anatomical.

Naughty Not Nice (BLUE ALERT)

From the feminine viewpoint, sex can be measured in disappointment. And no better example is that of underrated Mrs. Claus. Does she even have a name? (Well, but, how many?!)

SNL’s Aidy Bryant showcases a “Please Skip Christmas” song about her neglectedness. Nice try.

Brazzers (uh oh) presents “A Lonely Milf at Christmas,” a not-so-blue jazz number with an extended intro and overlong outro and middling talent (Kagney Linn Carter).

With even less quality, but more depravity comes Rico Loco and “A Booty Call for Mrs. Claus.” Country Western porn.

I believe we’ve basked in the superior parody of Bob Rivers’s “Me and Mrs. Claus.” Giggle giggle.

Tau is into “Ms. Claus” and goes electropop to raise your eyebrows. Re-owr.