As Seen on TV: Dexter’s Laboratory/Johnny Bravo/Power Puff Girls

New ‘toons on the Cartoon Network cable channel showcased outsider rage and complicated failure as winkity-wink ironic lessons for hep tots.

“Dexter’s Christmas Rap” reveals what an evil boy genius thinks he knows about the supposed Santa Claus. He will later be humiliated with Truth.

The ape shaped Elvis emulator had a pratfall-filled set of loser adventures rivaling Andrew Dice Clay in cluelessness.

In 2001, Johnny raced to the North Pole because he forget to post his letter to Santa. Donny Osmond, in a return to the cartoon series, assists… in song! “A Johnny Bravo Christmas Song.” Just a snippet in this excerpt.

This prestigious, counterculture cutsie slugfest had a decent holiday special, but i’m drawn to the holiday commercial with song.

Ladies and Gentlemen, “We Three Girls.” Frantic carol parody.

As Seen on TV: The Nanny

This formulaic yet well cast sitcom inspired foreign TV (usually the other way around) with the power of personae. The 1995 Christmas special ‘Oy to the World’ did not apologize for a JAP in a WASP-hold, but shrugged and whirled in cartoon form.

The minute and a half showstopper midway through the morality lesson showcases Daniel Davis as the head elf Elfis welcoming Fran Drescher to Santa’s toyshop. No helpful Youtube exists of this song, so i hacked it as best i could.

As Seen on TV: Mr. Magoo

The blind curmudgeon won animated shorts Oscars in the ‘5os. But when the wealthy jerk got his own TV series in the early ’60s the production company no longer made animation and farmed out the cartoon to a less professional group.

Yet, the 1962 A Christmas Carol adaptation (made by the original United Productions of America) struck gold with Julie Styne and Bob Merrill songs including:

All Alone in the World,” the lament of boy Scrooge at not having a family who cares. Country show tune.

Winter was Warm,” the goodbye of nearly-girlfriend Belle. Diva big band ballad.

Ringle Ringle,” an ode to profit, harmonized by the suffering Bob Cratchit. Snarky childrens’ pop.

The Lord’s Bright Blessing (Razzleberry Dressing),” a contrast of Papa Cratchit’s grace at supper undercut with the kids’ whining about what they have not. Hopeful gospel.

Most fun is the glimpse of Christmas future spying on the working class stiffs who loot Scrooge’s corpse in the music hall “We’re Despicable.”

Presents of Mine: so bad

What’s worse than NO presents for Christmas? Bad presents. Some givers just have a knack.

Of course, the classic here is the comic parody “The Twelve Gifts of Christmas” by Allan Sherman. Surely you’ve heard this one. And all that other stuff.

Annoying Orange you might suppose gives terribly, just as it sings “Christmas is for Giving” terribly. Kidsong crap.

The stupid techno song apparently is “This is Your Crappy Christmas Present.” Cosmicity. Now dance.

A Taylor Swift parody i’ve used before (‘Blank Space’) addresses the “Bad Gift.” Free Beer Productions try their best.

Whit Hill deliver us unto wonderful bluegrass with “Jasper’s Worst Christmas.” Pajamas!! (Yet, the brat deserved no less.)

BLUE ALERT Lil Poverty Angels work the system with “Bounced Checks as Christmas Gifts.” Electro-rap with an edge.

Stars from the Nick channel appear in a holiday special of some comic merit preaching how “Bad Giftin’ Grannies” are what you deserve, you thoughtless punks. Pop hip hop.

Axis of Awesome present the jazz showtune “What a Terrible Gift” like a piano bar downer. What a Great song.

Presents of Mine: hanukkah detour

You think Christmas presents are tough? Hanukkah is an octuple toughie!

Mark worries what to get his mom in “Mom’s Hanukkah Song.” This is bitter folk sibling rivalry, trying to make the gift of this song better than what brother Matt got her. I’m Team Mark! (He’s a great accountant, so i forgive the mudslinging.)

Don Cooper worries about what he wants in “My Hanukkah Gift” with fun kidsong folk with kid back up. Seems like he mostly hopes he doesn’t break all the presents by the time it’s over.

Elissa Oppenheim Shreiner & Sunnie Miller stir up the supsense with the slow kidsong “Eight Little Presents.”

More reverentially Troy Mitchell, Max Vitullo sing in Hebrew & English for “Simple Hanukkah Gifts” (Nods to that shaker song ‘Simple Gifts.’) Beautiful.

David Rael regales the gifts he got last Chanukah, but seems to be looking down his nose at the cheapness of the loot with the britpop showstopper “Your Stocking’s Filled with Candy, But a Pencil Sharpener’s Handy.”

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Cross Cutting

Tree is symbol. What else around Xmas is symbol?

Jimmy Dooley spells it out with electric gospel in “The Cross is My Christmas Tree.” Spoiler alert, dude! This is only his day of birth!

Now with more soul, Byron Hill croons “The Cross is My Christmas Tree.” Different song, same guiltifying.

God’s First Christmas Tree” from Primitive Quartet also nails a lamb up there for decoration is harmony. Guys!! The season!!

The Greenes drape “The First Christmas Tree” with blood as well. Beautiful singing, fellas.

Barbara Mandrell sings “He Grew the Trees” meaning god provided the means to his own demise. So, not so much with Christmas, but more explanation for those who haven’t been following.

Dennis Jernigan’s “The Very First Christmas Tree” more gently hoists up man-as-God onto the branches for your celebration. Tinkly piano show tune.

Anthropomorphic Snow Sculpture: funny 7

Some humor may be beyond us.

Amy Sedaris is so droll, so ironic it’s hard to laugh in her face. She seems like she’d break. You tell me, is her “Snowman Song” from her TV series At Home with Amy Sedaris funny–or die? Do you see me cracking up?

Is it a snowman or a man of the snows? “Santa the Snowman” calls all of it into question and shakes my paradigms like superhero snowglobes (Marvel universe references throughout). Thanks for that, Jacobsen Brothers!

And then there’s the song i cant’ tell if it’s legit kidstuff, or if the gangster references twist it toward the Adult Swim crowd. Try on “Joey the Giant Snowman” and tell me what Keven Boyle’s dealio is, a’ight?

Just as confusing is the 1993 Troma Studios Try Parker movie ‘Cannibal! The Musical’ based on a tragic 1883 Rocky Mt. journey (not over Donner Pass, though). Our entry “Let’s Build a Snowman!” has John Hegel trying to lighten the mood of the desperate men. It’s over quickly enough, but if you can hang on… reprise!

Anthropomorphic Snow Sculpture: abominable detour 6

Pop music doesn’t dip its toe in the Arctic Sea for Abominable Snowman songs much.

But try Summer Salt’s boy band/late nite lounge approach with “Abominable Snowman.”

Then there’s garage rock musical theater from the original cast album of ‘Frozty the Abominable.’ Quiz S is credited with the lead-in “The Ballad of Frozty the Abominable Snowman.” Rawr.

And leave us not neglect excellent musical theater from Joe Iconis and Rob Rokicki. “Footprints (The Sasquatch Song)” should be the start of a Broadway baby (entitled, I would hope: ‘Abominable–What You Did to Me’). The pathos, key changes, rising intensity… it’s a mini operetta that you ought not to miss.

Snow Way: still falling (as is civilization)

Although i try to avoid the heavy metaphors that get way off the solstice/holiday track, some are too thematically on topic to leave by the way side.

Gabe and Lilli Shakouor pity the homeless with a tinny rendition of “The Snow is Falling.” It’s rap set to Pachelbel’s Canon. Oh, NOW you want to hear it?

Victoria Scott also sings out for the underhoused with a hollow tinkling gospel jazz chiller: “Snow is Falling.”

If it’s Yoko, it’s political. “Listen the Snow is Falling” calls for peace, whether or not you get it.

Movietone is atonal jazz with simple declaratives like “Snow is Falling.” So there’s subtext, baby, betcher bottom dollar.

Will Foster complains “The Snow is Falling Down” because he can’t get home fast enough. Country hypertension.

Chris de Burgh makes an anti-war statement with “Snow is Falling” (on our shallow graves). It’s sweeping high orchestral pacifism (hang your heads), so just about right for Xmastime.

Parodies’ Paradise: 1997 “My Heart Will Go on”

This became Dion’s biggest hit…the world’s best-selling single of 1998… one of the best-selling singles of all time… considered to be Dion’s signature song… included in the list of Songs of the Century, by the Recording Industry Association of America and the National Endowment for the Arts… worldwide sales estimated at 18 million copies… became the second best selling single by a female artist in history and the eighth overall.

Christine Aziz does the impersonation hotel comedy gig to great effect with the Santa ballad “Christmas Spoof of ‘My Heart will Go on’.”