Category: metal

Parodies’ Paradise: 1971 “Iron Man”

Black Sabbath’s single peaked at number 52 on The Billboard Hot 100… VH1 ranked the song as the greatest heavy metal song of all time…  Rolling Stone awarded it spot number 317 on the list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.

Bob Rivers makes this the star of his parodies with Ozzy vocals and elegant reverb. Ladies and gentlemen, “I am Santa Claus.”

Ghost of Christmas Pastiche: Metallica

Albums by less than Christian artists ironically covering Xmas are 1$ a dozen. It’s them playing bourgeoise. (Ha!) Many do that. (For $$$) Which makes it hard to find guitartists willing to put the musical stamp of some one greater on their own little holiday project. But, Youtube is endless…

So here’s “What If… Metallica Played Christmas Songs!” cobbled together by Creble Star with no little talent.

Tripping Bells: Horse

Running on empty here for heroin. Xmas is depressing enough without singing about riding the beast one-way to the end.

Except the General sings [live at The Dolls House] the gentle metal ballad “Heroin for Christmas Again.” Afterwards you might need to plunge your head in a tub of ice-cold denial, or go volunteer at a soup kitchen for an afternoon.

Drink N.B. Merry: whiskey3

Now for the dark days of the chronic carouser. We’ll spend another month on sheer drunkenness, but for now let’s blame the potent potable–whiskey–for the way things turnt out.

Shawn Brewster kicks off the childhood regret of missing family fun from this time of year. His lugubrious jazz slobberfest “Christmas and Whiskey” whines about being old and cold, but it’s hard to look away.

Maudlin country from JJ Voss also bewails his outcast state in “Whiskey, the Tree, and Me.” Does the drinking help you forget, or does it help you dwell on it? Dude, get a present.

Not quite as weepy, Don Hackney resents California from his down home country soul in “Whiskey Lights of Christmas.” Poor old Doris.

Professor Gall admits “Whiskey was the Medicine (To Get Me Through Another Christmas Eve Night).” It’s a circusy caterwaul in the manner of Tom Waits. Swirly, Shirley.

Adding to the minimalist list of happy holiday helpings, Ray Galindo croaks about “Hot Dogs and Whiskey for Christmas.” It doesn’t help his bluesy needs.

John Bell keeps his blues serious, but Xmases his “Ribs N Whiskey” standard with Christmas lyrics. His weird falsetto and blind flailings make a misery out of this parody, but that’s as it should be.

Garage punk from Jonny Manak rages that “Santa Stole My Whiskey.” It purports to psychedelia, but it’s just prankish boys.

Just as angry, The Fisticuffs punk-mouth that “Santa Smells Like Whiskey.” It’s low class trash, but isn’t that what we pogo to? Oi!

Enough! No way! Irish metal from The Kringles complains there’s “No Whiskey in Heaven (No Ice in Hell).” It’s a tip of the tam to Elvis Costello with a salute to Zappa, but i mean that in the best way.

Drink N.B. Merry: nog4

A few of our eggnog noels have been upbeat. You may have noticed the dairy case chockablock with this product seasonally: people do like it.  So bring on the paeans!

Most uncontrollably excited about this beverage are The Elves. I’m not sure of the provenance of this piece, but my own mentor Pete the Elf slipped me a copy of this hyperactive high octave cacophony wherein Santa’s helpers dip into the fridge and… and… well, you’ll see:

The Hungry Food Band (is that you Matt Farley?) rides the fence about the popularity of this drink, until he finally lounge sings “Eggnog is Very Yummy.” I believe him.

Amoeba People have a strong defense for the poorly regarded seasonality of “The Complicated Saga of Egg Nog and Yule log.” It’s a Singalong with Mitch lesson for us all. If you can last, they do rock it all out.

Berni Hubbard shoulda been lumped in with our amateurs, but “Eggnog (Whilst I’m on the Bog) Song” is so cold, calculated, and dedicated to Dr. Who (!?), i have to showcase it with these other party poems. The bog here BTW is the toity (where she ‘has a poo’).

Also less than professional comes Ian Palmer and Tommy Keough with a benediction to the awesomeness of ‘nog is “Eggnog Song.” White boys rapping about the white boy sitch’. It’s way too long, thinks it’s way too funny, way too mismastered. But it’s from a place of love.

Box Lunch goes all out on a cable access show from way back with “Heavy Metal Eggnog Song.” Worrying about brushing your teeth afterwards, may not make these boys true iconoclasts, but i do wonder where they are today.

Sweet Christmas! candy canes 2

Well, the legend of the candy cane may be old, but it’s old school. Some 17th Century German priest may have solidified some sugar sticks for wee ones to stuff up their cry holes during Mass. But, at least he added a hook for to remind them of the crosier of shepherds’ staff with the crook at the end. Whether that means St. Nicholas or Jesus is moot, cause we have a whole lotta songs about the symbolism of the candy cane and the Savior.

Praise in Motion features children’s proselytization with simple wiggling movements to keep their tiny interests. “Candy Cane Song” is #63 out of 72 such pieces. But women with dead eyes singing about blood flavoring is not my first choice for introducing the innocent to candy.

Not just for kids! “Candy Cane” by Chris Maney is a modulated lesson is messiahology for those who like to find miracles in the mundane. Count the ways we can find Christ in candy and rejoice. (Or be troubled in how white means without sin… hmm, makes me wonder….)

Very similarly, TJ McCloud goes twangy country with “Candy Cane.” This splash of churchy fun appears uncredited on a few albums, it’s free advice. And he allows you might want to eat the thing.

Last word from Surf Nazis. “Jesus was a Candy Cane” applies all our previous lessons but reminding us to lick the stick, well, the symbology changes. Warn the kids.

 

Jesus Christ! b-day songs

Can’t we celebrate Christmas like any other birthday?

Discordant and suburban-sounding, Bah & the Humbugs are waiting on “The Birthday Boy.” Hey, Craig’s dad is really good on the electric piano! Party on!

If we’re just talking “Happy Birthday” songs in general, do not miss The Arrogant Worms making their point (and the the Mickey Dutch video takes the cake).

Epic Happy Birthday Songs has a website where you can (purchase and) download thousands of songs for your-kid’s-name-here, including Jesus. (Competitor Happy Birthday Card competes with a 15-second  e-card that’s over before you care.) The cat version is not so epic. The dog-dinosaur-clown-explosion version is truly epic, and spot on features lambs.

Christmas List: item three (robot pelican)

I can understand the big irony here: rough and nasty rebellious music for a childish idea about writing to Santa.

Showboats try to keep commercial rap alive back in the ’90s with “All I Want for Christmas.” Their list, when they finally sample their way to it, is pretty dope-y.

But let’s party with the coolest wannabes in rock metal–Tenacious D and Sum 41 going all gonzo with “Things I Want.” Mildly blue, gang. Hey–when are you going to use that bee bee gun in your time machine? Hitler? Cool. (Oh, yeah, and it’s a tiny bit blue.)