Year-round Yuletide oddities
When Jesus Roosevelt Christ was born, no one gave gifts. Okay, some randos showed outta nowhere couple weeks later… but were beedays observed with bikes and socks back in that day? don’t think so.
“Jesus Got Nothing for Christmas” is the new wave offering from Hank Green, that vlogger (you really should Crash Course again) who seems to be able to be funny and everything (irreverently).
Sometimes the high tragedy of a giftless Xmas is clerical oversight. Oops.
Santa admits “I Forgot That It was Christmas,” according to strident pop from Megan Moore. Is it for the best? Ask the Whos!
Downtown Fiction just plain “Forgot it was Christmas.” So he garaged you this song, instead. Like, no one told him. (She dumps him, don’t worry.)
Coal dust induced music for Christmas might be a punishment, but let’s listen to the weirdness of the 21st Century taking on Santa’s wrath.
Deathray Davies squeeze ’70s pop for all the irony they can in “I Got Coal.” Apparently a deal with the devil displeases Kringle. Jaunty oddness.
Passing critical on mankind “Santa Gave Me Coal” is a cry for global help from Inward Chills. Anything but that! Funky folk fun.
Industrial techno does a little something for me, so have you met “You’re Getting Coal for Christmas” by Professional Wrestling? This is a warning of sorts as we’ve already sampled, but the repetition without relief, the mechanization of music, and the ultra creepy puppet footage raises this to masterful commentary on Western Civ.
OR–
you can stay at home, surround yourself with loved ones, and NOT COMMIT CRIME.
Try it.
You could follow Santa’s example. The rule-followin’ good boy is documented by John Vosel in “Santa Knows,” a country ballad that might bore you. Or you could learn something.
Tarrus Riley represents the reggae of #crimefreechristmas with “Crime Free Christmas.” Put down your gun and play.
Dryer is not into Christmas, still garage/punk-advises “Don’t Steal or Kill This Christmas.” It’s like The Kinks but trying much harder.
What a perfect time of the year to perfect the five-fingered discount.
Tamale House Migas Plate rowdy down the garage with “Shoplifting for Christmas.” It’s for the kids.
For the rest of the family Rx2 homestudios the chiming and rhyming easy listening “Shoplifting for Christmas.” Ask for anything–the size of his pockets!
Done Lying Down uses ‘that greedy little palm of my hand’ for some “Christmas Shoplfiting,” funky alt-blues rock with an agenda.
New Bad Things explores experimental garage with “Shoplifting You Something for Christmas.” Some of those boxers, ‘kay?
Santa giving a party is one thing. What about that party for Mr. Claus?
Keith Whittal gets bucking country for “Santa’s Christmas Party,” all the while seeming slightly racist and fun.
The ACOUSTIX get even more country mean with “Santa’s Christmas Party.” Explicit reindeer games involve Grandma, but in a way that’s worse than death.
Lord Nelson add Caribbean big band to “A Party for Santa Claus.” Dance, everybody!
The kids may be best equipped for throwing the shindig. “Christmas Party Time” is a kids country rocker with all the fun that would entice and invite Santa. Roy Fulton knows.
Waiting for Santa is almost like a party. Robby Grant has a light garage swinger in “North Pole Christmas Party Band.” Puts me in a mood.
Wars are draw-out conflicts that grind up collateral damage like fruitcake. Is there ever a reasonable reason for a war?
Ramshackle Glory has a fun rant with their “War on Christmas.” It’s just a little too early, man. Alt poetry that’s quite against smiles.
Stiff Donut manifests their social warfare with “Class War on Christmas.” You think they hate, YOU hate with all your trees, and wreaths, and–American flags?! Garage party. BLUE ALERT
Mrs. Claus wouldn’t stray completely away–would she? I mean, not as the town trollop?
Vince Lundi gets sophomoric with his indictment of her sleazy easiness in “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Claus!” a rock tribute to the ho ho ho who sits on his north pole. It’s that way.
The folk approach from Matt Roach offers “The Mrs. Santa Sleeping Around Song.” The innuendos go up-you-end-os.
Garage folk (or just ‘unplugged’) recommends “Hold Your Head Up Santa Claus” ‘cuz yo’ wife a whore. Less attempt at humor, more attempt at music from JWJ.
Mrs. Claus looks so lonely that one special night. Could just give her a kiss.
“A Kiss from Mrs. Claus” would be the best present. Alt from Hoggle’s Jewelry (Arbor Christmas: Vol. 1).
Lips’ll be locking with the jazzy pop stylings of Baggio with their “Mrs. Claus.” You got them singing. Your fault.
WSLY (feat. Hazen) has been a good boy and offers a sleigh ride for her–and let’s see where it takes us. A kiss? You don’t say! Breathy garage pop for “Hey Mrs. Claus.”
Poor ol’ Mrs. Santa, she’s left all alone for a day no one should be lonely. Can’t she have, like, a friend to carry her through the isolation–?
Placeholder Confidential offers that “Mrs. Claus, Oh My!” could use a friend. Cute pop garage in lieu of flowers.