Year-round Yuletide oddities
Charles Milles Maddox was a nutball criminal turned murderer by the Beatles (it happens). He didn’t invent the persona of cult leader with daddy-issued groupies, but he sure got more media for it. Blame California, everybody else does.
Dirty Sick Europeans have crafted a dreamy jello serving of psychedelia “Merry Christmas Charly Manson.” It seems to ironically dig at the curious followers as well as at his own psychopathy. No ‘Helter Skelter’ wildness, this is soothing.
Now that we’ve treated the musicians who have treated us, take a cue from that last magnificent number and honor the images from our TVs and screens: the real stars of the American scene: actors.
Marion Mitchell Morrison was an instant movie star after nearly ten years of work. He headlined westerns through the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s, eventually falling into an old man icon in TV skits in time for the counter culture to reject him as The Man. In retrospect he stands tall in the saddle, a American hero who’d rather explain it to you with his fists than his mumbling.
Rebecca Perschbacher sings “I Want John Wayne for Christmas” as a true fan.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOffeiKXqsc
Robert Zimmerman is a Grammy, Pulitzer, Nobel prize winner with more awards than hit songs. He has a pass for everything he’s tried and failed at since 1972 (DO NOT attempt to listen to his Christmas album) because he was cool once upon a time and captured the spirit of disenfranchisement of the Boomers.
Shaun McCrindle sings the true story of a holiday sighting with “Bob Dylan’s in a Joke Shop” with laconic folk rocking. Appropriate.
Adam J Taylor honors Bob Dylan with “Sexy Bob Dylan Christmas,” conjuring a feeling for this time of year that is important, activist, and sexy. Well, that’s what he says. I find the song earnest and odd in equal measures.
Let’s end our month of drugs and Christmas songs on an upper.
James Brown celebrates “Clean for Christmas” in his own inimitable style. Lookee here!
Tim Cavanaugh (remember him from Dr. Demento’s show?) recommends “Let’s Have a Drug-Free Christmas” this year. Shall we? Pinky swear? Okay then. See ya.
The crack cocaine for Christmas jingles are, take it from me, nothing to lose your teeth over. The lesson here seems to be: once you’re on crack all other drugs are gravy.
Tony Marese from ThatsNiceDOITAGAIN.com brings you the “Crack Heads Christmas Song” set to ‘Rocking Around’ as if squalor and decay unto death were fodder for a sitcom. Sue the gasp/laff track.
Likewise The Crackheads sift through the bottom of the drain for the stereotypes (mostly hillbilly redneck) in “The Twelve Steps of Xmas.” Moving on….
More thoughtfully, Gregory Page & The Wrong Trousers figure why not smoke crack given the absurdity of the whole hell on earth Christmas represents. “Crack & Christmas” rolls out gently like a steamroller going 3 mph. You can get out of the way, but you may be too hypnotized to resist.
Why try pot when the weather outside is frightful? Well, according to Garfunkle and Oates, it helps with your social interactions. But, as with many after-school specials, problems have a snowball effect and your skull-fucking leads to a “Scary F**ked Up Christmas,” not the least of your problems being Doug Benson as a paranoid Papa Noel hiding in the bed. Hyperactive folk.
Alcoholics Anonymous get busy around late December. Let’s sing, in the basement of the church.
12 steps… 12 days…? Couldn’t help it! Mishka6487 sets the process to music so you can remember it better. “12 Steps of AA” is just sweet enough (has to keep checking her list) to make me almost respect it.
Martin Nesbitt elicits guffaws with his folksy portrayal of sliders and slippers at “The Alcoholic’s Anonymous Christmas Ball.” Crowd pleasing isn’t easy with this subject–it’s not nervous giggles, guys. Hello, my name is–what was it again?
The etc. cast of characters for the Christmas traditions have been known to tie one on as well.
“Rudolph Drank the Moonshine” might seem a funny little idea for a song, but The Christmas Hillbillies apply themselves in country-bluegrass high form to create a catchy little number.
DØMT squeeze funny out of punk with “Rudolph is a Drunk.” Fighting and vomiting follow.
John Stapleton plies us with a homegrown hymnal about when “The Elf Got Drunk.” Pretty folk rock with more talent than it needs.
Just as there are critics on Christmas, some people don’t see eye to eye with Mr. Christ. They throw hard shade, perhaps out of self image problems, perhaps because of the post-colonial patriarchic oppression.
BLUE ALERT Kreise rages philosophical in their hard metal “Drunk Jesus,” but their existential dilemma is lightened part way through with a lovely Spanish guitar bridge. Drinking here is metaphorical and only the truly desperate would include this on any Xmas playlist. But… i kinda like it.
Less approachable, but just as BLUE are Assrash with their own “Drunk Jesus,” and Cumchrist with “Jesus was an Angry Drunk” (critical of scripture, but with a funny meme).
A marathon of busting rhyme, “Drunk Jesus” by Me$$’d Up is an epic adventure of pitting personal venal desires v. fallible martyrdom. Still BLUE, my lambs.
Gravity Wagon play their folk hard, but not so BLUE. “Jesus You’re a Mean Drunk” may begin Sunday school, and it may be a lively lesson in the humanness of the Messiah, but these guys are playing music for two different songs.
Rolling in the Christmas holiday, one might say we’re imbibing Christianity. Too much JC might result in impairment of the physical form.
(Psst–actual drinking of fermentation may result in misbehavior regardless of intent, see “Drunk for Jesus” by Readhard.)
Reverend Deadeye screeches the blues in “Drunk on Jesus.” Room for one more at the pearly bar.
Uncle Carl, however, cautions in clear blues syncopation “Don’t Get Drunk on Jesus.” I do believe these songs have something in common.
Angela Tibbs sings like a drunk cat, but has a message for you. In “Drunk on Jesus” she instructs us how to take in Sunday’s word. It’s a trip (to heaven).