Year-round Yuletide oddities
“We Three Kings” gets childish horseplay from the choirboys as a silly bit of doggerel should.
Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors show us the childish way as an immature star should.
Made up band Spinal Tap fumbles through their own I-can-only-remember-the-kids-lyrics mock up. It’s a short bit.
The most fun is the largely unclaimed “We Three Bings” from the Blame it on Christmas album (2000). The song is untouched, but the bing-isms abound bountifully.
Sometime after the birth of the Only-Begotten, some bros rolled by. We say three, cause it’s easier to keep track. Herod sent ’em, a star led ’em, they knelt and smelt and felt the presence.
Their imagery inspires the likes of James Blunt to internalize his relationship with his girlfriend. “Wisemen” is light rock with a tinge of psychedelia. You might not hum it yuletide as appropriate.
Jim Nabors lays into the mysticism with “Three Wise Men, Wise Men Three.” This 1967 solemnity somnambulates sonorously. Bobby Vinton, however, swings just a bit with his 1964 cut of the same. Enjoy.
Well, i listened to the hip hop and i got nastified.
Courtney Stodden plays the female-empowerment “Mistletoe Bikini” like a stripper pole. She promises that if you kiss her under there it will be ‘sweeter than a candy cane martini.’ She might be all talk.
Todd from Rockvlogs seconds the motion with finger pointing (not so much winking). But “Kiss Me Under the Mistletoe” refers to a different sort of toe, a bit more dromedary in fact.
No between the lines for Junksista. “Under the Mistletoe” describes sexual activities to dance music. Kissing is a gateway position.
Now you promiscuous girls are gonna get it. Here comes the name-calling. Kevin Temmer channeling Ray Stevens with a rock cum country ballad “Mistletoe Ho.” Laugh-In it’s not. But catchy it is.
Tonya Sexton has posted a fun celeb parody revisiting crooners of yore. “Under the Mistletoe (Kiss My Ass Goodbye)” gives timely advice for the cheated upon.
Cliff Richard has an uplifting holiday paean full of children’s chorus and sentiment. It’s gooey fun and may cause joyous swaying.
I guess the Deutshc and Ukrainians love this.
But ‘tube site The Poke has put together concert footage of heavy metal shockers Slipknot syncing to “Mistletoe and Wine.” Not to be missed.
Another overplayed contender is “It Must have been the Mistletoe” proving once again that laundry lists of Xmas imagery make a song. This ’80s easy listening lump of coal hit big with Barbara Mandrell in ’84, but got most of its attention from the movie ‘Love Actually,’ which’s soundtrack slipped in a Barbra Streisand take.
Vicki Carr, Thomas Anders, and Jana Peterson also sing basically the same thing. It’s like all the siblings brought the same marshmallow salad to the big family dinner. Even the Northwest Girlchoir Ensemble out of Seattle plugs it as a dull-witted waltz. (Okay–there are some obvi misfires: Heather Poduska Florence Foster Jenkins the song into torture.)
For a hot DJ mix to jazz up this old thing, fire up Nicole Henry on Billy Paul Williams’ fusion. I give that an A+. (Big fan of his Reindeer Room album work–check it out.)
So how ’bout we settle on the smarm: a canned TV Christmas special from 1980 wherein Tanya Tucker and Glen Campbell heft big hollow presents up the snowy walk to see Minnie Pearl? Some chemistry at least.
We’re getting divisive here, another proud American tradition–but not our chosen theme. So let’s not link to any more songs about them vs. us: racism, sexism, classism, ageism, heightism, weightism, politics (yes, virginia, there’s haters’ christmas songs for all of them).
Let’s blend, melt, be together.
Pat Benatar belts out some extremely light rock with “Christmas in America.” They grow up so conservative, don’t they? Naw, she’s godblessing us all, even her grownup head banging fans.
Baby baby bae, you know i don’t want no presents, no toys, no cash, no distractions, no trash…
It’s YOU only that i want.
Now, don’t run… this is a Mariah-free zone. We don’t play the overplayed.
But, back from the ‘Fifties and more was “You’re All I Want for Christmas” a monster hit recorded by Bing, Al Martino, Frankie Avalon, Sarah Geronimo, and Filipinos Rico J. Puno and Nora Aunor.
The Larks got an old timey rock ‘n’roll croon-y feel with “All I Want for Christmas.” Boy band doo coppers! Poetical!
Pretty a cappella from The Bobs warmly round the hearth espouses the need so gently, gently. “All I Want for Christmas” is sappy done right. (It’a about the friendship, babe.)
Down home country wants to sentimentalize as well. “All I Want for Christmas Dear is You” is a bit of a mouthful, but when pronounced faithfully gets you back in the house into her loving arms. Buck Owens knew it. So did Travis Tritt, Louis Mandrell, Clint Erb, Heart LeBlanc, The Playtones (mmm, honky tonky), Swiss Highwaymen, and Cajun Paul Dwayne. (Who are these guys?)
Updating the music, Casey Shea beatboxes the R+B sound with “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” Bubblegum, kids!
Even more modern, the dB’s garage the beat with that old fashioned too-many rock stars folk-harmonizing kind of sound we remember from the ’90s. “You’re What I Want for Christmas” wants you to want to like them.
Give the girls a turn! Judi Silvano goes whiskey club jazz with those loooo-ooong held notes singing “I’d Like You for Christmas.” She maintains her notes so long, Chanukah gets in there, too. Raise the highballs for that xylophone solo! Julie London sexied it up way back when. But, gee, she sounds like a Playboy cartoon.
Boogie woogie style from Foghat (!) sets a whole ‘nother mood for “All I Want for christmas is You.” Highsteppin’ and finger waggin’ would not be out of the realm of possibility here.
Cowboybilly rock is all i can think to call the Fleshtones’ “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” I hear Elvis, Gene Autry, with a hint of Thunderbirds. How you gonna resist?
Caro Emerald and Brook Benton over-orchestrate their latin lovin’ with “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” It’s cute and consensual.
MOR (middle of the road) rock is that symphonic pap you hear in the elevators. Why would you do that to the Beatles… oh, actually they did sound like that.
B’way has killed the musical genre, making most cool tunes sound the same. The cast of “The Drowsy Chaperone” mash sax and ‘ba-doo-wa’ out of doo wop goodness and into harmonious building, building, climax with “Rockin’ Christmas Angel.” Wipe your mouth.
Sha Na Na resuscitated rock for a nostalgic craze in the ’70s which left the door open for all manner of retread revisioning nonsense. Exhibit A: The Hollydays counting their paces through “Christmas Rock ‘N’ Roll.” It’s nostalgic like the Red Scare is nostalgic.
Kid music also has done what it could to ruin rock. The Wiggles desperately want you to sing along with their redundant mundane “Rockin‘ Santa.” Poor sound quality, too many long ‘o’s, nonsense.
Cutting out the (101 Strings) middleman, Bradley Gillis goes for the older crowd with his 1980s styled “Santa is Rocking.” If the band Chicago is rocking, so is this.
Is Kris bigger than all of these mundane human endeavors? Is he really gonna blow you all away?
Learn from Bah and the Humbugs through the story of “Hurricane Santa.” It’s lounge-tastic for a doomsday.
Doesn’t Santa help keep the order of naughty and nice? Isn’t he really a cop, all–you know–undercover and stuff?
I’ve already featured a wonderful tune “Sheriff Santa from Montana.” Krista Detor deserves a second date.
Sadly, too many police departments enjoyed the short-loved Cop Rock TV show and hope today to enlist community support with tunes like Hampton Police Division’s “Jingle Bells (Holiday Safety Remix)” wherein Santa assists and abets the boys in blue.
Pushing the envelope a bit, i’ve got to stop and drop a needle on Martin Mull’s Santa-just-saying-no exploration “Santa Doesn’t Cop Out on Dope.” The Jolly Old Elf has something to say about rule-breakers, so i think you oughta listen up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeAnk8-RTpQ