Category: eezee lisseneen

Tripping Bells: Rock

Crack and crackhead-ery are a state of being as much as a physical/psychological condition.

Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits present “Spending Christmas on Crack” as a medley of horrifyingly humorous Christmas parodies enthemed with the tragedy of human suffering. Not so much with the actual drugs. So there.

Now don’t remember, kids’ songs and human despair are a comic contrast that can’t miss. “Frosty the Crackhead” is a labor of love from Charlie Price (it seems to go on well past its point). Sores on his face? Tell me more for two more minutes! “Frosty the Dope Man” from Keith from up da Block is slightly less successful. But the karaoke soundtrack is sprightly. JoeyCast has a bit more BLUE fun. Knock Out ups the beat (also BLUE).

Karl Bingle borrows from ‘So They Say’ with “Crackhead Christmas,” setting the scene for an unholy night with pretty strumming.

Knackered for the High Holidays

Sots sup! Or they lap, toss, bib, quaff–you know. Hard drinkers don’t need an excuse to drink. But Xmas is the reason for the saucing, if there ever were one.

So here’s to the boozehounds! We should laugh at them! Go ahead, you have permission.

The New Wave of Swedish Celtic Punk may have begun with Finnegan’s Hell. Their “Drunken Christmas” toasts and toasts and toasts until roasted. Beware their video: neglected children, wasted pregnancy, and punched Santas are not the worst of it.

Swallowing his lyrics and BLUE ALERT swearing up a storm, UZ Worm swaps out ‘Holly Jolly’ for “Alcoholic Christmas.” Silly old sot.

Grayson Walker and J McLaughlin cut a jig in their “Christmas Alcoholic” ruining the yuletides for all but those who wish to laugh and point. It’s pop lounge with a dash of oompah. He ho ha, lookit that.

Jack Kuper has a festive number “An Alcoholic Christmas,” which not only explains how to get high as a kite, but adds footnotes, marginalia, and popups to decorate this bouncy fun little number. Partake!

Flako for the High Holidays

The idea of observing the drinker lose volubility as vivaciousness increases is not the discovery of youtube circa 2003. The hilarious descent into stupor is an old nightclub bit at least as famous as Fay McKay’s Vegas routine “The 12 Drinks of Christmas.” Yeah it goes on forever, but do you feel bad for laughing at her incapacity?

Less successfully with the same formula is Frankie Ford. He takes forever to get going and even longer to get funny.

Danny McMaster applies a bit of the old Australian on his adaptation. He slushes right away, or is that his Ozzie accent?

Bill Barclay adds Scottish burr to his. The whole thing needs subtitles. Andy Ramage‘s exact same one comes with explanation.

Jeremy Lion rounds out the Empire with his working class British walrussing, this time with imbibing on stage. Eh wot?

Most fun is Axis of Awesome with “Drunk at Christmas.” Their big band expression that wanders, droops, drawls, and slumps in the corner indecipherably.

Consume-mas Quantities: dinner bells

Time to dine for the Lord! Some suggest the solstice holidays are the time to binge on the big feast so you’ll be able to last until you can gather, plant, scavenge, or shop for more. Dinner is that big excuse for all the relatives to gather, what else are you going to do with all those uncertain uncles and cousins–mingle?!

May we bow our heads and  throw down the big meal right at the start with the big guns.

Tennessee Ernie Ford was a Country Music Hall of Famer best known for ‘Sixteen Tons,’ though around here we admire his booming bass for his come-to-Jesus gospel numbers. “Christmas Dinner” may be overproduced, smothering his country drawl with too many instruments, but the boy’s oodles and oodles of charm calls us to the table. Let’s eat!

Bing brings it to the middle classes with “Christmas Dinner, Country Style.” Hoe down music can’t jug this smooth crooner. Slumming down to this mischievous mish mash of big band music made surbubans feel superior. Join in!

Jesus Christ! three on a match

“We Three Kings” gets childish horseplay from the choirboys as a silly bit of doggerel should.

Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors show us the childish way as an immature star should.

Made up band Spinal Tap fumbles through their own I-can-only-remember-the-kids-lyrics mock up. It’s a short bit.

The most fun is the largely unclaimed “We Three Bings” from the Blame it on Christmas album (2000). The song is untouched, but the bing-isms abound bountifully.

Jesus Christ! extras

Sometime after the birth of the Only-Begotten, some bros rolled by. We say three, cause it’s easier to keep track. Herod sent ’em, a star led ’em, they knelt and smelt and felt the presence.

Their imagery inspires the likes of James Blunt to internalize his relationship with his girlfriend. “Wisemen” is light rock with a tinge of psychedelia. You might not hum it yuletide as appropriate.

Jim Nabors lays into the mysticism with “Three Wise Men, Wise Men Three.” This 1967 solemnity somnambulates sonorously. Bobby Vinton, however, swings just a bit with his 1964 cut of the same. Enjoy.

Merry Mistletoe: adult – BLUE ALERT

Well, i listened to the hip hop and i got nastified.

Courtney Stodden plays the female-empowerment “Mistletoe Bikini” like a stripper pole. She promises that if you kiss her under there it will be ‘sweeter than a candy cane martini.’ She might be all talk.

Todd from Rockvlogs seconds the motion with finger pointing (not so much winking). But “Kiss Me Under the Mistletoe” refers to a different sort of toe, a bit more dromedary in fact.

No between the lines for Junksista. “Under the Mistletoe” describes sexual activities to dance music. Kissing is a gateway position.

Now you promiscuous girls are gonna get it. Here comes the name-calling. Kevin Temmer channeling Ray Stevens with a rock cum country ballad “Mistletoe Ho.” Laugh-In it’s not. But catchy it is.

Tonya Sexton has posted a fun celeb parody revisiting crooners of yore. “Under the Mistletoe (Kiss My Ass Goodbye)” gives timely advice for the cheated upon.

Merry Mistletoe: Mandrell, Babs, Campbell+Tucker

Another overplayed contender is “It Must have been the Mistletoe” proving once again that laundry lists of Xmas imagery make a song. This ’80s easy listening lump of coal hit big with Barbara Mandrell in ’84, but got most of its attention from the movie ‘Love Actually,’ which’s soundtrack slipped in a Barbra Streisand take.

Vicki Carr, Thomas Anders, and Jana Peterson also sing basically the same thing. It’s like all the siblings brought the same marshmallow salad to the big family dinner. Even the Northwest Girlchoir Ensemble out of Seattle plugs it as a dull-witted waltz. (Okay–there are some obvi misfires: Heather Poduska Florence Foster Jenkins the song into torture.)

For a hot DJ mix to jazz up this old thing, fire up Nicole Henry on Billy Paul Williams’ fusion. I give that an A+. (Big fan of his Reindeer Room album work–check it out.)

So how ’bout we settle on the smarm: a canned TV Christmas special from 1980 wherein Tanya Tucker and Glen Campbell heft big hollow presents up the snowy walk to see Minnie Pearl? Some chemistry at least.

United We Christmas Tree Stand: just us

We’re getting divisive here, another proud American tradition–but not our chosen theme. So let’s not link to any more songs about them vs. us: racism, sexism, classism, ageism, heightism, weightism, politics (yes, virginia, there’s haters’ christmas songs for all of them).

Let’s blend, melt, be together.

Pat Benatar belts out some extremely light rock with “Christmas in America.” They grow up so conservative, don’t they? Naw, she’s godblessing us all, even her grownup head banging fans.