Some of this foreplay for the holidays is tortured and awkward. I’ll just fall asleep waitin’ up for Santa.
5 Alive (a BOY BAND) fist pump the hint while making kissy face and moaning pop music for “Sex this Christmas.” Baby, if you believe it’s not the meat it’s the melody, then puddle up for these jailbaits.
Future Rama uses the riddim method to have “Christmas Sex.” Smooth yet syncopated talk. I’m guessing….
“It’s Christmas (Let’s Have Sex)” is the old big band lounge tribute just this side of Mel Tormé, and it’s on fire for you. Go, Duke Tomatoe, go.
The king of maladies, the doomsday diagnosis, the terminal terminology this is the big C. Not Christmas (although the latter does get the capitalization). Two cs together and you have 2cc of uncomfortable song.
First off, Johnny Hobo and The Freight Trains punk up the idea “I Want Cancer for Christmas” BLUE ALERT by refusing joy and hope with a blazing middle finger to life. (I’ve posted this before, and there’s no actual mention of cancer in it… but meager pickings. And it’s catchy. And there’s a dozen covers by fans online.)
Balancing out the anger is the schmaltz of Carolyn of the Choir with “Pink Christmas,” a jazzy siren song sentimentalizing the survival of it all.
Okay, we went all that way so i could share Double Plus Good with you. This Something Awful contribution, “Cancer for Christmas,” stands alone in its MOR orchestration, country caterwauling, and ironic horribleness. It might ruin you. (‘Santa’s taking Grandpa to Heaven in his sleigh.’)
If you’re not preggers for Christmas, perhaps you’re moody, pre-menstrual. Peter Kevoian for Bob and Tom carols our way through “PMS for Christmas.” No, no, it’s not a sickness… just not tip top, you see. Healthwise. Hrm, i’ll just stop talking now. No, you’re fine.
Who else is sick this time of year? Ready of jerking of tears?
A fine Red-Sovine-style ‘Teddy Bear’ parody, “Sick Cripple Christmas Baby” by Red State Update, tells the story of a terminal child. Or is it?
Kyle Dunnigan trowels on the comedy/tragedy with “My Baby Lamb has Christmas Cancer.” This baby-voiced dirge runs the gamut of attempting humor. Certainly pings the odd meter at the top. (Yes, it’s about a pet lamb.)
Let’s revisit Red State Update for more absurd commentary on our mad world. According to them, Santa needs to be reassured that he can visit ALL on his list, even those suspected of highly contagious conditions. “Dracula Doesn’t have Ebola this Christmas” is pretty much what it claims to be, with saucy pop seriousness. Et in terra pox hominibus bonae voluntatis.
The stresses of Christmasses may lower one’s ability to robustly fend off gramma kisses, fruitcake offers, and viruses.
Or we just want more attention than JC is getting.
So we might express our ill health a tad more emphatically than we experience it.
Red State Update present a poor sufferer unable to join in the tidings “Too Sick for Christmas.” Genius redneck traditional easy listening. [Why is he singing from inside a bowl of popcorn? Why not!]
How Best to render the terribleness of the item? Listen (or run!):
Yakking to the smell of “That Ugly Sweater” The Spoons revel in revulsion with chimey syn-co-pa-ted pop music.
From the same radio station contest, Alan Frew and Sam Reid parody the 1986 Bryan Adams led Glass Tiger hit ‘Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone)’ with “Ugly Christmas (Sweater Song).” Poppy, peppy, mediocre.
Ugly and we know it! claim the “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” as related to Joke of All Trades. Lounge piano lite jazz presenting a shopping list of what clutters up your front.
Face Vocal Band just hates “The Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Country pop is cerainly the way to underline how bad this embarrassment is. (Doesn’t even match his eyes.)
Blues is more apropos. Ultra cool JD McPherson’s latest thing (His Holiday album Socks) wafts some Hawaiian guitar into a jazz fusion lament: “Ugly Sweater Blues.” Mama!
Let’s just say it: this is a punishment for naughty joes and jaes. Leonard Balistreri’s Mistletoe Conspiracy zips out a fine retro e-z listening rock “Ugly Sweater” with vim and vinegar too.
Middle of the road music (for programming ‘beautiful music’ radio stations back in the ’70s) became a way to appeal to the corn belt without rocking the boat. This was less exciting than popular music, and less artistic than classical. It plain lacked talent so as to fill in the background and not arouse attention, and became known as ‘elevator music’ or the brand name Muzak.
Professional MOR-on Pat Boone (sadly past his prim prime here) embodies our message with “Christmas Cards.” Cliched, but mellow.
While not aged or old, Gregg Charmly resuscitates MOR with “My Christmas Card to You” song. It’s not about anything. Don’t listen except ironically.
Also beating the dead horse, Don Adams sends a melodramatic melancholic “Xmas Card form the Other Side.” It’s quavering blues, but without authenticity. Blahs-ville.
I count epic orchestration as show tune, and nothing fulfills my requirements more than Jerry Becker’s “The Man Who Writes the Cards,” with notes of Gilbert & Sullivan, Lerner and Lowe, maybe a touch of Irving Berlin. Wow.
“My Christmas Card to You” from faded Broadway chanteuse Marni Nixon tests the definition of ‘song.’ Uncontrolled warbling about what she’d write on your card is what will be playing in the waiting room of my hell. [This version comes with voice over instructions for the elderly.]
So, would you like to meet your tree? Strike up the band!
Gene London pitched the idea of being a Christmas tree his own self in “A Walking Talking Christmas Tree.” Hang a star! ’60s pop. (Tip of the pointy hat to Pete the Elf for connecting me to that one.)
As Thoreau said: personify, personify, personify. Wild Man Fisher screams it best with his original “I’m a Christmas Tree” (although some of you might know his developed duet with Dr. Demento a bit better).
Metal messiness wherein Distortion Ride claims everyone suffers like holiday decorations. “Christmas Tree Blues” is more prog than blues, but it makes you depressed regardless… oh, and BLUE ALERT
The whole life cycle of horror show from POV tree comes thus in unplugged ‘Tannenbaum’ parody from Gordy Pratt with “I’m the Christmas Tree.” Not worth your pity.
More listenable comes Solea Pfeiffer with “Christmas Tree Blues.” Funny for the hollerin’ blues.
To help “A Christmas Tree’s Wish” answers the timeless question with a wandering pop plodder from Missy The Elf & Tom Moore. (Spoiler: it wishes to be the Times Square tree.) BTW that tree left our last tree a song “Rockefeller Tree” from I am The World Trade Center. Sitar psychedelia. (YOU figure that out, i’m tired.)
Nat King Cole hand delivers “I’m the Happiest Christmas Tree” Class on Delivery. It’s pop, and it does.
For some, fun equals violence. Weapons made of wintery wonder!
Let’s start out slowly: “The First Snowball of the Season” is a baseball themed puffery by The Golden Orchestra & Singers. Strike One!
Off topically, Devo has a philosophically angst number “Snowball.” Electronica whene’er we can.
The tots’ ode to “Snowball Fight” has lyrics by Alan Katz to the so-called tune of ‘Jingle Bells.’ Should we teach this?
Gateway Christian Academy has their Snow Day announcement as a parody of Rachel Platten’s ‘Fight Song’ aka “Snowball Fight Song.” Hilarious revenge tactics for a church-sponsored children’s notice.
Jimmy Fallon shrugs on his punk coat for “Snow Fight.” S’no fun, really.
Bunch of Believers take the ska road for “Snowball Fight.” Just as danceable, but more poetic.
North Pole Patrol sasses up the sexy with a (small) big band torch number “Snowball Fight.”
BLUE ALERT (no, really) from Weekend Nachos and their blink-and-you’ll-miss-it “Snowball Fight.” Metal.
The Happy Racers big band their pop for “Snowball Fight.” It’s bouncy, rockin’ fun about putting out your eye. Duck!
Neil Diamond’s super smash was completely titled ‘Sweet Caroline (Good Times Never Seemed so Good).’ It hit #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart… eventually went platinum… hit #3 on the US, Easy Listening chart… might’ve been about JFK’s kid… still gets play in Fenway Park, many Irish football games, and cricket.
Joel Kopischke sings a Christmas song about singing Christmas song singing (i’ve got to devote a month to that) in “Sweet Caroling.”
