Sweet Christmas! candy 3

Yeah, there are gonna be some condescending tunes here; adults really like lisping and stuttering and speaking with ersatz brain damage to mimic kids–it’s so fun!

Perhaps Fern’s warble is old age creeping in. But her “Christmas Candy” whispers tremulously with school marm sternness that suggests it’s okay, just this once, to binge on sugar.

Phil Coley is the traditional kids’ singer with his slow, monotonous, sing-song doggerel. Hey, it’s catchy. And there’s hairdo mayhem.

Sweet Christmas! candy 2

1960s children’s jazz for Christmas! Huzzah!

Five Christmas compilations from Peter Pan records proclaimed to be Snoopy’s Christmas album from 1968 to 1972. No artists are accredited, but they usually got labelled Peppermint Kandy Kids or some such moniker. From 1970 and 1972, here is “Christmas Candy.” Stay tuned for the music to switch from good for you light operetta to swingin’ bossa nova. Grue-veigh.

1950 children’s music for Christmas! More loud cheers!

Jimmy Wakely is one of the last singing cowboys. Margaret Whiting hit big in the ’40s with ‘That Old Black Magic,’ and ‘Moonlight in Vermont.’ She was slightly more famous, her dad wrote ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop.’ But together they hit big in ’49 with the country tune ‘Slippin’ Around.’ Here is “Christmas Candy” by them together–so full of molasses that toys don’t even matter!

Jesus Christ! overwrought

Do you believe scripture and verse about the night in the barn and the virgin birth?

Some songs lean on the lesson a bit too hard and become a bit… shall we say ‘camp’?

It’s country-time harmonizing like the church choir when The Gatlin Brothers pull every loose thread out of the robe of “Sweet Baby Jesus.” They so mean it!

Kingdom Heirs pun up the praise with “Hay Baby.” Fiddlin’, yet serious  fun!

The Statler Brothers poker face the cheese corn out of “Who Do You Think?” Catch the oompah beat and feel the years pass you by!

The Oak Ridge Boys, earnest emissaries of evangelicalism, head the list of the country crown slingers (George StraitBlake Shelton and Kelly Clarkson, Trisha Yearwood, Alan JacksonKathy Mattea, Lee Ann Womack, and Keith Whitley) who have heralded “There’s a New Kid in Town.” It uses vernacular to revere the Almighty: swoon you must.

Jesus Christ! poorly worded

Some seriously adoring songs about the Only-Begotten come out all wrong. “Let’s Make a Baby King” takes the punning penchant of CW song writers and makes us regret liking down home humor. Seriously, guys?

I like Jesse Winchester‘s rocking country take. Can barely hear the words.

Hard driving bluegrass from New Grass Revival takes the sting off, as all good bluegrass should. Still creepy.

It’s a woman’s job, I guess, to bear the brunt of the unfortunate turns of the the word and the world. Wynona Judd has a smokey whiskey–almost dangerously earthy–version you should consider. Then find someone to confess to.

Jesus Christ! the ‘rents

A newborn means new parents. Mary and Big Joe get some good screen time in the story of the Nativity, but few enough songs about them… just stable scenery for magi and drummers.

Tim McGraw has a gentle country ballad about “Mary and Joseph.” Don’t quote chapter and verse here, I think he takes some liberties (makes ’em sound kinda white if you ask me). Pretty song, though.

Jesus Christ! cw birthday party

Many peoples in many languages offer up birthday thanks for this time of the year. Some odd translated versions haunt me. Nassiri keeps to twenty words or so to sing “Happy Birthday Jesus.” Lots of multicultural kids help. Rashid M. Khan has more cool, less English with his “Well Come Jesus” song, shades on, away in a mantra.

In our country Reba tells the kids to hush up while she narrates the True Meaning of Christmas. Fortunately she also sings about presents in time for the X-Man, offering “Happy Birthday Jesus (I’ll Open this One for You).” Somehow i see her waving around a Coors when she says that.

Merry Mistletoe: Hale, Anderson, BLUE ALERT

Lynn Anderson retros the CW with “Mr. Mistletoe” turning a harmless tradition into a suburb or lust and lies.

Lucy Hale (from TV) pops country with her “Mistletoe.” It makes me think all possible lyrics combinations for the subject are already used up.

Then I stumbled over potty-mouthed Kyle Dunnigan. His “Fuck You Mistletoe” has given me the strength to go on, or at least listen to more country scrying subtext.

Merry Mistletoe: who now

Some you tube artists break out and score millions of views. Most don’t. Doesn’t mean they don’t have passion, verve, rhythm. Usually they do have a crowded crooked bedroom, poor sound, and an itty bitty range of talent.

Ann Wave sings her “Mistletoe” warning Santa not to bring presents (she just wants the right kissing). And she leans into it, overcompensating for the blonde hair.

Thanecha, on the other hand, sets her shot in the decorated front room (and name drops the tree), but seems to be reading off her lyrics and chords from her notes. Regardless, she has slightly more sense of humor and a raw talented voice (singing–her speaking voice grates) that overpowers for the rented guitar. Her “Mistletoe” weeps gladly.

United We Christmas Tree Stand: don’t tread on us

We gotta admit it, we define ourselves by our borders, and that exclude any of y’all that might be different, or attack us. Bottom line, it’s not our ingenuity, or industry, or even our entertainment business that makes us America. It’s our warlike response to every problem. Take arms! Drive back the doubts and fears with bullets! And honor those in bloody uniforms as the real Americans. The rest of us barely count.

Eric Homer Music sings us wise with “Christmas in America.” Soft, gentle country music with an urgent message about honor and stuff.

Jess Lee has a killer rehearsal in her garage with the boys for “Christmas in America” for the troops get the brunt of our patriotism. It seems to be a quid pro quo: you soldier boys have the burden of being away from home (not the proud duty of protecting the unprotected), so we will sing and stand and salute (ordinarily we’d not care too much). Fair trade? That’s what you get.

Ostensibly about the Newtown tragedy, David Lenett’s posting “An American Christmas” ramps us country rock to make a fine song that includes ‘those who wear our uniform.’ But it’s inclusive.

United We Christmas Tree Stand: wall st.

While we’re on the subject of bailing out Santa…

…of the many US milestones we might inaugurate a carol to, Wall Street seems too apt to pass up.

Watkins and the Rapiers fiddle up a folky grassy bit o’ blues with “Christmas at Occupy Wall Street.” It lands as a sentimental Old World reflection of the times. In this live recording the lads might be a bit in the bag, tho.

Phil Coley kicks up a lively country swing number with “Wall Street Christmas,” which oddly seems to counter current conservative trends and takes up an ironic everyman snark–Cut it out, congress! Danny Mack‘s version is slicker and thus less proletariat.