If you haven’t learned your lesson yet with the colored snow, here’s a step-by-step advisory for the kids from Bryant Oden: “Don’t Make a Snowman With Yellow Snow.”
Category: Childrens
BLUE ALERT: flatulence (1)
March is foul weather, foul lines, and foul language.
So, for as long as we can stand it, follow me (children excluded) to the depths of depravity, the dirty-minded ditties… next stop the Tabu Zone.
FYI: There’s so much peppermint profanity out there we’ll spend the entire month on only bathroom-related bad words (the big F can have its own month later).
So, starting out slowly, we’ll step on a carpet frog and blame the dog: (you know) flatulence.
Certainly the standard funny here is a collection of well tuned assholes vocalizing the songs. I’ve got one or two of those albums. Ever since 1990 any boob with a Casio keyboard and some knowhow has sampled the noises of bodily functions and played those ‘notes.’ Bored now. (If you’re not, give “Silent Butt Deadly Night” a try. It’s on a Red Peters album as done by Jingle Smells. My Smelly Holidays album has it by Pull My Finger–i worry these lowbrow guys don’t get the copyright protection they need.)
I’d rather delve into the subject matter of blowing, breaking, cracking, doing, dropping, letting loose, shooting, and squeezing during the holidays. So, to open the window, here are The Little Stinkers with “I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me).” This has gone ’round the block and been covered by self-appointed humorists (for their grandkids!) all over the ‘tube. There’s even a Karaoke set up. Stick with the 2004 original.
A Month of Love: Cinderella
More Disney–it’s Everywhere!!
Ordinarily i’d find out for you who to give vocal credit to for this throwaway, forgettable piece of music… but let the Mouse have his way: It’s Cinderella her self! The singing mice here know it! I know it! You Must know it!
So, play along with “I’m Giving Love for Christmas.”
The Future: Outer Space (4)
Astronauts are our heroes. Santa is our hero. Easy to confuse them. Even today T. Graham Brown gets country swing with “Santa Claus is Coming in a UFO.” Some shredding axe there.
But back in the ’50s (where we’ve been this week), no less than Lawrence Welk’s band cashed in on the happy hopes for rocket travel. Here’s the Lennon Sisters (with some little girls helping) singing “Outer Space Santa.” Beep Beep Beep!
The Future: Outer Space (3)
“Santa Goes Modern” also tells of that jolly old elf hippin’ up to a flying saucer to make the rounds. Originally from the American Song Poem Project, wherein budding lyricists sent in their scribbling and their dollars to a hit-making-machine, and thern underworked musicians churned out singles for the hopeful. This laughing, rambling oddity has also been covered by cult alt band Yo La Tengo. Wild, weird, wintry.
But give it up for Rod Rogers and the Librettos and the original “Santa Claus Goes Modern.” Kids! Cringe along!
The Future: Star Wars (1)
Star Wars is no longer the dim past (A Long Time Ago), but now belongs to the distant future (2017, 2019).
Let’s get the nonsense of the 1978 TV Christmas Special out of the way first. It was a cash-in by friends of friends who thought they were feeding the fanfrenzy (it introduced Boba Fett), but was disavowed by Lucas on down as horrible. All videos and music is unofficial and bootleg. Nonetheless Bea Arthur is the singing barkeep at the Mos Eisley den of thieves. Her “Goodnight but Not Goodbye” sorta set to the cantina music is the stuff of camp–hardly holiday. Carrie Fisher at the finale sings about the Wookie Christmas “Life Day” sorta set to the main Star Wars theme. Let’s move on quickly.
We need real Christmas music with a Star Wars excuse to sing. So let’s skip ahead a couple years to 1980 and the Christmas in the Stars concept album. This was a minor release by a label that made $ off the disco Star Wars theme then went out of business before they got Lucas’s blessing on this oddity. No second printing. Rhino Records resurrected it to digital in the ’90s. (They say the cassette tape is worth big money.)
For an in-depth look at this must-have novelty Christmas album see the CBC Music article.
Most of the album is recited rhyme (sprechgesang) by Anthony Daniels trying to convince R2D2 the spirit of Christmas is cool. Standouts include “What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?” and the “Sleigh Ride” rap.
And my own favorite: “R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” with vocals by the producer’s cousin Jon Bon Jovi.