Christmas may celebrate our ability to suffer through a long frosty time of no crops. To keep starvation rationing of moldering supplies from becoming monotonous, a festive binge half-way through lightens the longing. 12/25 ought to do it.
Now, chowing down and hossanahing Christ may seem dissimilar means to an end, but after weeks of deprivation a sudden mouthful of monosaccharides might move you to ejaculate an ecclesiastical exhortation or (OMG!) two.
So let’s explore the candy-coated side of the holidays this month. Lots of songs sample the suckers, chockies, pies, and cakes (yes, even minced and fruit). (We’ll get to actual Xmas victuals next month). So, insulate me with insulin, i’m going in!
Most of us feel regretful after gleeful gluttony, however, so Bah and the Humbugs start with candy and cookies and pie “What I Ate for My Christmas Vacation.” It doesn’t get better, but it does get sweeter.
So, where’d the parents come up with that name? Did they have a grand-uncle with that name? Did they make a list? Were they told?
Maynard’s Groovy Bible Tunes extrapolates out of scripture how Josephus came down to it. David Heath-Whyte sillies up the process in a children’s cheerleading chant: “Jospeh Call Him Jesus.” no need to take notes, you’ll have the spelling rote by the end of the song.
Sorry, but there’s a fine Mary in the nativity song that’s nasty as BLUE ALERT. For those of you (like me) who have heard, but never really got “The Most Offensive Song Ever” from Parker and Stone’s South Park songs, here are the lyrics and everything. No going back.
We’ve been riding the bummer bus to down town the past few postings. Let’s jolly it up with cute kids singing what adults told them to sing– adorable!
Some conglomerate of a couple under-appreciated band-moms called Children Love to Sing put together “I’m Standing Under the Mistletoe.” Get ready to Awww!
“Merry Christmas to You from the Red, White, and Blue” is just a few words over and over again. And that’s what it’s all about. (This version is a video for the Neabsco Singers to study at home and in the classroom to learn the lyrics–as should you all.)
Slightly confusing is Alison Faith Levy (helped by Karla Kane) strumming away as earnest as a rabbi on Larry King Live with “All I Want for Chanukah is a Ukulele.” Oy gevalt.
Mr Palindrome tweaks the old ‘Hippopotamus’ novelty just the slightest which only adds fuel to the fire over whose holiday is ripping off whose. Nice trombone touch on his “I Want a Hippopotamus for Hanukkah.” The Jimmies rock their version if you feel like some real music. (Sadly the want another one for Kwanzaa.)
Whether you’re mad or Muslim, wanting nothing for Christmas is a time honored form of insanity that ranges from gee golly goodness, to slick tricksy manipulation.
Rodd and Judy share a tale of a little boy who asks “Santa Fix My Toys for Christmas.” Those nights of daddy weeping into the bills has worked its magic on the little tike.
Shawn Colvin is satisfied with just you, sweetie. So when she sings “I Don’t Need Anything This Christmas” she means she’s fed up with the season and just wants a time out with your company. Yawn.
Rockin’ country Raul Malo ( with a helping hand from David Andrews) rants “I Don’t Need Anything for Christmas.” It’s boot stompin’ appreciation of you. Again.
Caravan of Thieves gets that swing thing ringing with “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas,” once again stepping off the reindeer racetrack into a quiet room –with YOU.
Punk jump with Dirt Box Disco (what else would you do with ’em?) to “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas.” The (but you) is understood, but said anyway.
Punkin’ the folk music come verily New Found Glory exhorting “Nothing for Christmas.” This is gentle grunge, puttin’ the loves on you.
Quick diva detour via Tamar Braxton who asks for “No Gift” because she’s (altogether now) got you. Nice rolling range, but nothing to see here….
Three Wise Guys croon up a tempest with “I Don’t Want Anything for Christmas,” but this time it’s material. They don’t need you, honey. Maybe peace on earth. Maybe. Just none of that present crap. (With a bit more soul and a cool ‘grass fiddle Laura Gibson, McKinley, Kristin Hersh, Tony Furtado, SLara Michelle, Steve Berlin, Jim Brunberg, Linda Hornbuckle, Art Alexakis & Stephanie Schneidermann sing the same.)
Big E Dude lets it slip that “I Don’t Want Nothin’ for Christmas” is reverse psychology. He lets it slip what you coulda got him, if you felt bad about his humility.
While in a juvenile mood, let’s jump ahead. The best lists for kiddies are developed along a live-and-learn progression. Hearken to Heywood Banks (he of ‘Diddley Squat’ fame) and his ongoing letters of correction to Mr. The Twenty-fifth. “Dearest Mr. Santa Claus” starts out chock full of self interest and id, but give it a chance: …isn’t that sweet?
Let’s make it easy on you and do one of those 200 year old call-outs where the steps are explained to you. The Hokey Pokey hit the charts back in the ’80s as a popular foot mover, but you know it as kid line dancing
So… It’s Debbie Doo. It’s “Christmas Hokey Pokey.” I’m so ashamed. (But thorough: you also get “Reindeer Hokey Pokey” by The Kiboomers–that’s what it’s all about.)
