Category: Childrens

As Seen on TV: SpongeBob SquarePants

The biggest moneymaker from Nickolodeon ever isn’t just a can of rocks shaken for the lovely sound it makes. It’s also musical.

The eighth season featured a all-singing formulaic story about Plankton taking over, blah blah. ‘It’s a SpongeBob Christmas!’ is stop motion which throws the surrealism out of whack but is otherwise serviceable. Stick to the album.

“Santa Has His Eye on Me” opens the story with just the right amount of repetitive mush and exposition.

These iconoclastic kid bits often push genres. Patrick the starfish’s “Pretty Ribbons and Bows” is a ’60s rock ‘splosion of ADHD fun.

Limp country from Sandy the Squirrel in “Ho Ho Hoedown.” I think i’ll stick to the better stuff.

The bad guy gets a real showtune carol in “Christmas is Mine.” Mwah ho ho ho.

The Brit pop anthem to kids “Don’t be a Jerk (It’s Christmas)” is the big hit, though. Falsetto ululate, all!

As Seen on TV: Dora the Explorer

If Carmen Sandiego can fool people into learning, surely the prepubescent Latina can as well.

Most of the ‘songs’ on the album Dora’s Christmas are either trad carols or children’s pap without any mention of any variation of any holiday.

Notable exceptions to our disappointment include the infrequently heard Espanol Christmas Eve carol “Nochebuena.” Just this much short of mariachi, but a bit of the fun.

If you know the show, you know the klepto ‘coon and his problems. So Dora’s “No Swiping on Christmas” should come as no surprise. Melodramatic interactive show tune! Shout answers to her for goodness’ sake. (And get that varmint some therapy; did you hear his excuse?)

As Seen on TV: Ed, Edd n Eddy

Naturalism is a form of theater that celebrates the bottom rung of humanity, illustrating and educating us to the indomitable human spirit despite adversity. Or makes us laugh at how stupid and ugly the poor are.

The suburban losers of this show at least have an Old World immigrant to think of as less than them. Rolf sings us the “Yeshmiyek Song” which, while not a reverse of Christmas, is a holiday favorite about food and hygiene from a mythical creature of a different land.

As Seen on TV: Gullah Gullah Island

The highest rated preschool show on Nickolodeon in the the ’90s was this critically acclaimed cultural heritage honorarium. Each show was full of songs, including the Xmas episode with Sea Island versions of classic carols.

But they did bless us with a short, sweet encore “Merry Christmas to Ya,” one of the few songs that allows it’s a show wishing an audience cheer.

As Seen on TV: Rugrats

Nine seasons with 2 spinoffs, but the kids who cared were grown and everyone else thought it was creepy. The holiday album Rugrats Holiday Classics is delivered after the original series ended. That’s why you probably haven’t heard of it.

It’s all half-asleep parodies milking the misheard lyric premise of stupid babies. Okay, a couple at least try.

“Rugrats Chanukah” is ‘The Dreidel Song’ with a cheap electronic keyboard honking at kvetching children.

“Heck, Why is Santa Always Jolly?” pokes fun at our Big Red Guy. Kids are so mean. To ‘Deck the Halls.’

1980s pop and lock rock marks “Oops! Santa Got Stuck!” about Santa ‘Up on the Rooftop’ while Chuckie jest gotsta go wee!

“Toys for the Girls” has Angelica bull-leading a female chorus celebrating the new baby, oddly enough. Maybe Jesus, maybe her baby brother (uhh, that was a miscarriage).

As Seen on TV: Animaniacs

A contender for overall best wit for the young, this ’90s Steven Spielberg produced foray into WB Kids attempted to bring vaudeville to the end of the century. Middling results.

“The First Noel (parody)” is much more comic than previously sampled songs so far. Punny!

Their pinnacle is their ‘Christmas Carol’ takeoff (Wakkoff?) trying to moralize capitalistic Taxman Plotz, with the songs “Ghost of Christmas Past,” “Ghost of Christmas Present,” and “Ghost of Christmas Future.” Love the all-out orchestration.

As Seen on TV: Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends

An independent TV toon that’s lasted for decades and offered music too, this playground of stereotypes need to work through their childish ways and become stiff upper lipped. And sing about being of use (why do i think of Boxer in Animal Farm?).

Not a follower, but i can tell “Glynn’s Christmas Wish” is later on with the uncanny valley scariness of the computer animation. Nice Brit pop story.

More derivatively carol-like, “There’s Snow Place Like Home” just sells it all the way out. Learn, kids, learn!

Less hyper, “It’s Christmas Time” is a measured consideration of pomp and celebration. Stand straight when you sing this one. Then you’ll get a lump of coal in your throat.

As Seen on TV: Garfield and Friends

Like the Simpsons a bit later, this series began with a Christmas special. The songs in ‘A Garfield Christmas’ are standard fare for cartoons (for A Prairie Home Companion children), tending toward the sentimental.

Worst is “Christmas in Your Heart” reading off discount bin greeting card lines. Skip it.

“A Good Ol’ Fashioned Christmas” at the end is middle-of-the-road laundered country pop. I like the jew’s harp though (excuse me: lamellophone).

An interesting music hall ditty by John (Thomas Huge) and Garfield (Lorenzo Music) contrasts the wide-eyed owner with the id-centric cat. “Can’t Wait Till Christmas” is mercifully brief, albeit bouncy.

An unexpected gem is the motor music in the background of the cat spying on the dog. “You Can Never Find an Elf When You Need One” is swung by Lou Rawls, but i like Deena Moore’s instrumental in some courthouse.

The cool cat intro, however, buckles us up to the Garfield zeitgeist: “Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme” by Lou Rawls is pop Motown without regret.

As Seen on TV: Care Bears

These furry sapsters began as greeting cards, then movie stars. But they did have a TV series.

Oh, and a holiday album (or more): Care Bears Christmas (1982), and then the worse Holiday Hugs and Care Bears: Christmas Eve (both 2004).

Tiny tots may smile for “Holiday Hugs” and its smothering perkiness, but i find it analogous to being beaten with kittens.

“Christmas in Care-a-Lot” strives for more hep jazz, but comes off like a porkpie hat on a pile of feathers.

“Have a Merry, Merry Christmas” faux-rocks lamely enough to make me want to watch The Wiggles.

The original album

scores higher as a 13 minute story for kids to listen to, despite its arrival BEFORE the Saturday morning cartoon. The “Christmas Theme”

borrows from their own theme, but “Happy Christmas Time”

and “Here Comes Christmas” are a sloppy grinning hippie hug of family folk warmth.