Time for prime time networks to sell albums. I mean, movies do it. Fox begins this trend with the soapy young troubles kind of shows (The WB/CW perfects it later). Background montage soundtrack might cover only a minute or so of the song, but stars are made from excited fans who want to recreate their lives from their special fictional friends’ lives.
To paraphrase Voltaire, If television didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
TV has made us as much as we’ve made it. TV has made Christmas what it is today. So obviously, we need to focus on RankinBass specials and Hallmark magic love movies that play once, twice, twelve times a year. But NO. We here at novelty Christmas music dotcom must ever hunt more elusive game: the sudden original song in the serial experience. No, not awkward caroling by our weekly stars, but actual entries into the canon of never-heard-that-afore celebrations of the holidays. Honestly, an enormity of these will be from cartoons. And i will allow cartoon specials/albums from established characters. (But NO musical variety shows.)
And i’ll start with something else weird: Christmas songs about TVs.
Ancient M.A.N. revisit their childhood with all those specials i promised i’d overlook and how much they taught us the true spirit of Christ. “Christmas Cartoon Song” is maudlin folk with a touch of alt.
52 New Things focuses on the offerings of “Christmas Day TV.” A later generation (slightly before cable, it sounds like) also uses folk (with mad fiddling) enjoys those special family movie selections that preempted soaps.
Modern despair from The Deckchairs who watch “TV Xmas” and drink to forget. Party punk.
The Buddy System gets alt-retro with “Xmas on TV.” More music, less message! Just like TV!
Metal from King Diamond and Holy Grail crow “No Presents for Christmas.” Same song, different lead ins. They’d just set those presents on fire anywho.
The original tear jerking “The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot” hails from Phyllis Robins. Light jazz with excessive orchestration. Wait, my face is leaking.
Much More Upbeat, riddim from Nicole David dances out “No Gift.” See, she got busy. Check later.
An amazing Christmas song, rivalling ‘Fairytale in New York,’ comes from The Hive & Cyndi Lauper. What terrible people in “A Christmas Duel.” What dirty secrets. No presents! No! Get away from me.
Recalling Devo, Yulenog hollers “I Want Presents!” only to be told No–again and again. It’s just a matter of waiting for the right time, but –oh okay booboo. Alt-pop.
The object of presents for Christmas is the name on the tag.
Chorale from de Caribbean a la 1955 outlines a husband’s troubles with “Christmas Present for Sallie.” It’s scurrilous alcoholic behavior by black men. (Yogi Yorgesson addressed this, too, y’know.) You do the math for the entertainment value here.
Bill Engvall also goes for the cliches with the talky country rock “A Gift that She Doesn’t Want.” It’s hard to be a hubby. (Hey, when he gives autographs, does he say ‘Here’s your sign’?)
Spending for the wife is so easy, why not sing about it! The Connection brag about “Money Honey Baby,” even though she says she doesn’t really want anything. Retro rock with a dash of ‘billy. A-huh.
Also reductivist, Brock Hires worries about “A Present for Hobo Bill,” who doesn’t have much to wear. (Lots of men’s wives got this problem.) Giving fulfills the liberals. Honky tonk mediocrity.
Alt rock for the insiders, “Christmas Shopping for Dobby” by Harry and The Potters shrills about the irony of getting clothes for Christmas, and yet how meaningful that can be. Hmm.
An alt-pop love song, “A Christmas Gift for Iris” awakens the need in me to listen to obscure ’70s Brit rockers who tried solo albums to little effect. Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers acquit themselves beuatifully.
Hard-working folk music from Robin Lee Berry celebrates “Woody\’s Christmas Present.” A time travel epic about rediscovering childhood wonder. Get ready to cry.
Obvi parodies include “I Want a Hypothalamus for Christmas” by Danny Birt. It’s only a minute, and seems to be a lovely neurological lesson–until we learn how the gift is achieved.
Ursula Burns and Donal Scullion get weird with the gift of a nuclear power station in the sly folk sweetness “Every Day of the Year.” Got a little agenda on you there.
I hope you’ve heard “Millennium Falcon for Christmas” by John Arnealio. I posted it before. It’s boss. And heartbreaking. And folk/rock.
Best Christmas gift ever? “The Murple’s Magic Hat” seems to be the wish of infinite wishes, according to the kidrapblues from A Halo Called Fred. Must hear this.
First Atom crows how “I Bought You a Sweater.” Is that hipster lingo for something i should know about? Bouncy alt-pop, it’s in the spirit of the holiday, hey.
Shorty Garrett impersonates rockabilly with cheap equipment in “Shopping Shopping Shopping.” We’re laughing at you, Shorty.
Blake Jone & The Trike Shop go agenda-mad with “Christmas Sale.” Apparently it’s two-faced to spend money for Christ’s aborning–wait, wait, not done yet–WHILE being mad at big box department stores for not calling it a ‘Christmas sale,’ but only a ‘holiday sale’ (or something something… hang on, is this something?). Cool indie irony, but ya got me twirling.
You want Christmas tree symbolism? I’ll give you something to represent!
TEMPORARY JOY.
Dr. Dog tinkles on his great-aunt’s pianer with some alt folk sentiment about how much “Oh My Christmas Tree” does for such a brief time.
Crappedy crap crap time of year… then just the right greenery and a “A Tiny Tree Christmas” cures all that ails you. For now. Thanks, Ryan Miller, Guster.
Bobby Curtola has a 1964 dreamy pop dream how “My Christmas Tree” would save the world. With love and peace and cetera.
Heart Crimes consider a “Christmas Tree” so seductive as to be the gateway to hard candy. Pop fun.
Or listen to the Australians. Peter Senior lists out all the cool fun stuff that tweaks the fun-happiness in us all, including “The Christmas Tree.” ‘Billy rock.
STUFF & THINGS.
Moments, blessings… these are the flashbacks Briana Kay seizes on when sniffing her next “Christmas Tree.” Potent sorcery conjured by plodding country.
My God, my life, and my family stare out at Lauren Flauding when she takes in the wonder of “My Christmas Tree.” Introspective piano bar builds a strong defense against it just being a tree.
Jonathan Mann may get a bit random sometimes, but his comparison of “Christmas Tree” bliss to Dakota Access Pipeline nastiness stands out. Falsetto blues.
“I Love a Christmas Tree” posits Donna Cutler with gentle rocking. It’s all about peace and love and stuff.
Always room for one more awful song. Having belonged to a let’s-be-offkey group myself, i must give consideration to Mesforum’s “Christmas Tree.” What you see is… well, what is it?
JUST, WELL, EVERYTHING!
“Everything is One Big Christmas Tree” by Magnetic Fields may rely on a Germanic chorus, but surely you’ll feel the joy of this alt rock disenfranchised leap of faith. Yea, Xmas Tree!
Some of these Christmas trees got names. Does that make you regret stuffing them in the trash?
“Chris the Dancing Christmas Tree” actually tells about the redeemed artificial arboreal offering. Charles ‘Kingman’ Hardman sells this old world kidsong as AI robotic fun, with no threat to humanity at all.
“Pee Wee the Christmas Tree” from Karen Newsum makes that small tree less pathetic with a name. Maybe a little. He sure wants to get cut. Country.
Preston Penn, oddly, also knows a “Little Pee Wee (Christmas Tree)” who similarly suffers survivor’s remorse year after year while the rest of the forest goes away. Old-timers’ pop.
“Greenie the Christmas Tree” is also too small to make the cut. Barbara E Leigh is singing to that left behind kid in you. Hey, this IS the same pee wee song.
Jeffrey Lefevre wittily rhymes out “Wilby the Christmas Tree.” In a dirge of a holiday polka we learn what this tree will be. (Yours, silly.)
Here’s a tree you may not know. “Freddie the Little Fir Tree” is–all right, it’s the same little guy that wants to be hacked, sold, and eventually discarded. He’s so happy to have a short life! Sigh. But. it’s Gene Autry!
“Mr. Dancing Christmas Tree” might be some excuse for a party, but i believe GT’s kidsong that implies some magic made it come to life one day.
Finally, the change of pace we’ve been scouring for. The Yobs punk up the children’s tune “Tommy the Christmas Tree.” This tree still gives its life for us, but we’re sneering now.
To fully deliver us from jollity, Steven Courtney emos a piano (w/rainfall) ballad of one tree’s over-earnest promise to deliver your best Christmas ever. “Oscar the Christmas Tree” is a bit unsettling, but i sense a sincere artistic effort here to charm. So i am. Wow.
Dispensing with the expiration date John Kolbeck wants to be your “Wild Christmas Tree,” baby. Pop by way of country, but sentimentally sweet. He’s worth the trip to the woods, girl.
Desperate for attention Brent Hardesty goes show stopper with “Her Christmas Tree.” Dude, if she cuts you down, she’s not really into you….
If You need the Cary Brothers they will be your “Christmas Tree.” That will take care of just about everything then, i guess. Tender country rock.
Laetoli Steps gently rocks the garage for their true love, “Christmas Tree.” An emo journey.
Jefferson Pepper juggles metaphors for his lovesong “Christmas Tree.” He feels like one because of your love for him. I guess. Doesn’t end well. Alt fun.
Fun and flirty, alt pop from Future Kid Sisters mumbles “If I were Born a Christmas Tree,” then i guess all would be cocoa-flavored kisses for me and you, or something like that.
“(I Wanna be) Your Christmas Tree” hints at the temporary relationship Levi Fuller wants to commit to. Kick him to the curb after a month or two! Alt island music.
Black and Blond Music also announce (with jazzy blues) “I Want to be Your Christmas Tree,” but they point out that they’re the best of the nondescript lot of piney nobodies and need your special notice. Yeah, you.
EASHA seems to sublimate her love of the holidays into a simple “Christmas Tree.” Her diva-lite pop also seems to enmasculate that prop into a lover… i think. Ew.
’80s inspired jazz rock set up Irving Jack to back and forth him/her for a fallin’ in love duel/duet in the incomparable “Bam! Slam! Christmas Tree!” You may believe it after you hear it. Maybe.
