Category: Caroldies (parodies of carols)

Isn’t 85 warm enough for equatorial Xmas? “Santa’s Going South for Christmas” sings Sammy Hagar with appropriate American rock about leaving the freeze and going to Mexico where the temp is mid-eighties.

Joey + Rory get more country rock with “Let It Snow (Somewhere Else).” Somewhere in the islands, it’s more’n warm.

A form of reggae rap livens Social Club Misfits’ “Christmas in Florida.” How you gon drive in the snow Wait …it’s Florida girl it’s 85 degrees.

Arthur Ray gets all slo-mo with his rapping “Christmas in Houston.” Whole lot more descriptive, too: Carolers on Texas Ave sangin’ “White Christmas” 85 degrees, hoes is sweet tea sipping G’s in they slabs got they 4-4s tippin’ Grippin’ wood grain with the candy paint drippin’. Uh, Blue-ish Alert.

The Dan Band notes no snow ’cause it’s 85 degrees (when it drops down to 70 people think they’re gonna freeze). “Christmas Time in California” is like that. Ironic boy band silliness.

Whew, let’s cool it down with ADHD (Animation Domination High Definition). Heather Anne Campbell’s Scientifically Accurate series takes on “Santa Claus” with a whole pile of numbers (speed of Santa, size of craters where he lands), but ends with 85%–the measure of countries WITHOUT child labor laws (who make the toys, not the elves). To the tune of ‘Coming to Town’ get ready to be offended, grossed out, and (perhaps) educated.

To kids from 1 to 92 is the demographic for Nat King Cole (and everyone else)’s ‘The Christmas Song.’ Not going to rerun that. AND most parodies don’t include the numbers…

The ’60s Invasion alludes to this range in their “Come On People (Have a Merry Christmas).” Only the finest in rock parodies for y’all.

But “Deez Nuts Resting” is a spoken word jumble from The Total Chaos Effect that’s both gutsy and nasty BLUE ALERT. The women he’s willing to lay is from 18 to 92.

Then there’s homespun For Iven’s proselytizing “Chestnuts Roasting Parody,” which does a more decent joke-pull on this subject.

More than a few wild and wacky songs slip through the cracks and don’t appear on my blog b/c i just can’t find a copy of ’em not no wheres.

But when the entire special musical “A Very Jimdog Christmas” is available through Bug TV+, i will not fail to point out Peeboop Jimdog’s ‘Silent Night.’ After his special is snowed out, a depressed chipmunk-sounding Jimdog wants Doordash to bring him a cheeseburger to room 116. That’s the whole song. You can find it just after the ten minute mark in the video. Or take my word for it. Or watch the whole special. I double dare you.

Bob Rivers satirizes the David Bowie/Bing Crosby harmony on ‘Little Drummer Boy’ with “Rummy Rocker Boy.” Here a (perhaps dead) Bing teams up with a metal-rocker (Roach from the band Vomit) to drink and sing and drink. The banter includes: Now be careful son that is 151, so we know it’s the real Bacardi.

Canadian cartoonist Joren Cull outcounted us all with the nine hour jamboree “The 179 Days of Christmas.” I am not kidding. Hats (which is number 133) off to him. I dare you! [If you do have a life, however, the below link will get you the less-than-a-minute sample.] Lyrics are available, but lotta this stuff is Canadian, so… huh?

Love? Loss?

Ariana Grande changes the topic with sex, as she does, with “Not Just on Christmas.” Hidden in the pretty pop music she seethes: Wanna show you in so many ways Three hundred and sixty-five days I’ll give you all my presents, boy, I’m for you. That’s way beyond first base!

Liam Payne (with Dixie) works out the whole meet-cute on Christmas night in “Naughty List.” They spend the next three-six-five days around his place. Synthy pop, but still Hallmark Channel-esque.

Sick Logic wishes I could hide another 365 from the family when it’s “Christmas Time at the Strip Club.” Oddly industrial-techno for a garage grinder. Danceable fo sho’.

All Students go for the kink with a Pachelbel-inspired “MistleToes.” This hypnotically repetitive weirdness may not scream Xmas, just X. Yet attention must be paid.

So many songs include the grand number 1.000 for Christmas that some of them just get weird. That’s OH kay with me.

Emerson & Cassidy adorably get the lyrics wrong in “Deck the Holly Thousand Polly,” a kids’ groaner that grandparents everywhere are sure to love.

Oppositely, some judge done sent a thousand families distant in “Christmas in a Cell.” Lil Tjay BLUE ALERT requests mercy for his race for the holidays in this lively rap.

Just as angry/festive Gary Mangred hates those carols Singing about the snow A thousand klo-metres away (as well as the toys, toys toys). “I Wish It Could be Christmas Every Year” would wrangle the true meaning of 12/25 out of the mess we’re in–but it’s so goofy hipster i gotta throw it in the whatever heap. Tortured uke folk.

Metaphorically, “The Castle” by The Flaming Lips is nearly holiday-ish. It seems to psychedelically describe some feminine apex, including her brain. Her brain = The Castle, which is brighter than a thousand Christmas trees. It doesn’t end well in this throwback prog-rock doodler; i’m guessing love was lost. But imagery still burns bright.

“The Little Girl’s Dream” is the Spike Jones spoof on The Nutcracker, so look out for the war ‘against the thousand mice. And bodily noises as instruments. Bloody symphonic nightmare.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventures is one of the best-selling Weekly Shōnen Jump series of all-time. As mangas go… i have no idea (i only watch what my son recommends). But “Joestar Jingle Bells” by Firenetic goes the distance of the nine arcs of different JoJos, including one who died in a boat In 1889. This might be for fans only.

In “The Greatest Gift” The Christmas Cards seem to think the baby Jesus was born 1900 Christmastimes ago. Or was it something Emperor Trajan did then? This whistling folk plonker shoulda stuck with the gifts at 6, 7, and 11. They were more entertaining.

Back in the 1980s the 1-900 phone lines were money-makers for Hulk Hogan and New Kids on the Block. You could get an insult, a joke, or a prayer a day for a few extra dollars on your phone bill. But, as with the internet afterwards, sex ruined everything. Matt Rogers’s “Have Yourself a 1-900 Christmas” should explain the scam if you can’t see it coming. Oh yes, and BLUE ALERT. Kids get permission.

Glad to listen to Krista Detor again. “One Too Many Christmases” explores what’s she’s got for the holidays–that loser with one too many charges to 1-900-HONEY. She’s through with that, though, the hot country beat proves it. Heave ho ho ho, bro.