Category: Caroldies (parodies of carols)

Tripping Bells: Maryjane

Marijuana instead of mistletoe for Christmas? Well i wouldn’t wanna eat the poisonous latter in brownies. Nor would i like to see slacker-nip stapled to my transoms. I suppose it depends on the frame of mind, and who’s coming over later.

Dent May sucks all the joy out of family and gathering with “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas,” a lounge-rock bit of melting melancholy that captures the wasted life.

Bob Rivers trots out the obliggo Dean Martin parody “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” But it’s all about alcoholism. That was last month! Too many cross-over slang sayings for both!! John Valby also takes drinking seriously (not comically) (well…offensively: BLUE ALERT).

Finally The Ronnie bus brings us a sticky-based parody in “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” On the other hand, it’s about NOT getting the tea in time for the twenty-fifth.

All style, no wit from Zak Scott as ‘Harry Khronick, Jr.’ with his “I’ll be Stoned for Christmas.” The word stoned is the only substitution in the entire song, but the wavery vocals and percussive keyboards sell this schtick.

Tripping Bells: day 1 (non-endorsement)

Achieving altered states, leaving the bodily plane, getting messed up is not the sole provenance of alcohol. Also looping in are many other recreational pharmaceuticals. Partiers partake around the festivals of wintertime for their own reasons, some not completely of their own volition. So let us take a step back and solemnly observe the psychedelic in forms leafy or pill, tab or syringe, patch or line as pertains to Christmas. In novelty song form, natch. [NO RECOMMENDATION OR CONSIDERATION EXCEPT IN HUMOR IS BEING AFFORDED TO ANY DRUGS: CARTELS, BIG PHARMA, ADDICTION ALL SUCK.]

I don’t mean to blur the lines, but the headiness of the holy celebrations might cause out of body altered states just pondering the miracles of the meaningfulness of the month. Paperbacks plays out that wild abandon with “Let’s Get Lit” like a Christmas Tree. No actual drugs are indicated, only goof-foolery. And we don’t want this month to be only about idiocy.

To indicate the seriousness of the subject matter we shall begin with the ’12 Days’ gateway parody, largely unfunny (unless you’re already high) and mostly lacking in wit or purpose. If these scare you straight, then so be it.

Purportedly Jack Black’s Tenacious D walk through their “12 Drugs of Christmas,” which is tagged as originally by Mushroom Tabernacle Choir back in the ’70s, when it had more giggle-impact.

Slightly more updated, Cypherden fetes Breaking Bad with “12 Days of Drugs.” This is more in-joke than actual narcotic reference. Sung like he knows better.

More lively, well more Renn Faire, come PlastGresham with “12 Days of Stoner Christmas.” This is more about the less illicit, or at least more recently decriminalized, drugs of choice. (Also grass-centric are “The 12 Tokes of Christmas” by Brandy Wakelam–gleeful; “12 Days of Weedmas” by Zar, Thaddeousz, and Crypton the Creature–amateur hour; “12 Blunts of Christmas” by Uncle E–monotonous.)

Drink N.B. Merry: beer1

Taking a sudsy breather from the hard stuff, beer (and other grainy fortified brews) may apply what the elves in Santa’s backroom call a buzz: just enough of an edge to make musicians think they’re funny. So make way for a barful of parodies.

Brian of the WGAR morning show (Cleveland’s Great Lakes ale) “Christmas Ale Song.” Give it a 5.

Bubba Claus “Frosty the Beer Mug.” A 6.

Nick Stockwell “What’s This? A Beer!” An 8, no a 7 because it’s too long/not Christmas.

Jim News, Mike Polk (Cleveland’s Great Lakes ale) “Oh Christmas Ale.” Between a 7 and an 8.

Abe Smith, Sean White “It’s the Most Wonderful Time to Drink Beer.” A 7.

The better impression (think it’s Bob Farley): 8.

Uncredited ‘Rudolph’ version: another 8.

Martian Patriots “Beer Christmas Song.” 8+. Shameless self promotion wins.

Drink N.B. Merry: wassail

Now, hot mulled spiced apple cider may be promoted to the echelons of wassail and beget a centuries old Christmas tradition of begging from the rich (your parents) for your gifties.

The Waverly Consort by Michael Jaffee presents ye olde version of “The Gloucester Wassail:” a Christmas heritage of singing nicely nicely for refreshment. Blur grinds this out more menacingly as “The Wassailing Song.” Scary–pass out the cups, hurry.

“Apple Tree Wassail” also harmonizes as a threat, especially as by The Watersons. Is this what would’ve won Medieval Idol?

The “Here We Come a-Wassailing” one i’m more familiar gets a boss ‘billy beat by Under the Streelamp. We’ll include it for reference only.

Big Rock Creek Band have a slight parody called “The Waffle Song.” Apparently these Waffles are naughty children who deserve no treat.

The funny literalist Samuel Stokes clears up the whole mess for us with his “Here We Come A-Wassailing (The American Edition).” Get ready for Brit-bashing of a low caliber.

Consume-mas Quantities: what’s left?

Oddly, we will not end our Christmas meal with dessert. We had that first last month. But we will end appropriately, with leftovers.

Conor’s Comedy Minutes channel doodles around with the sadness of having leftovers others haven’t enjoyed. “Leftovers” is at best improvisational, but he puts himself out there with some little r’n’r. Sample it a bit; i’m not sure i’d recommend sticking around for the whole ordeal.

Definitely not a fan of the ’12 Days’ parodies, but Outback Steak House has posted a damn clever Aussie inspired “12 Days of Leftovers” as an advert to chase you into their meaty meeting messhall. The sassy accents, the horrifying puppetry, the gross-out factor–it’s just right.

Consume-mas Quantities: dietary restrictions

Santa should watch his intake, let’s be frank. Songs about Kris’s recommended diet include Jack Servello singing “Fat Free Santa” (sugary fun), Sha Na Na with “Santa’s on a Diet” (r’n’r mashed potatoes), The Uncle Brothers h’yucking “Santa’s Diet” (runny oompah), Michael T Hogg’s “Santa’s on a Diet” (pressed ham country), Elfish Pressley trying too hard with “Santa’s on a Weight Loss Plan” (creamed country comedy), and The Poets jamming to “Santa’s on a Diet” (delicious bluegrass).

Diets are not the gift you want that time of year. His Own gets the family together to hip hooray for gluttony with “Christmas Time is No Time to Diet.” You knew that, but did you want to sing it with the easy listening melodies here? Yum yum yum.

The Christmas Pranksters jazz up ‘Night Before’ with “‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas.” Yes, it’s the nightmare of not eating everything in sight. With the electric keyboard set to ‘glass jars.’

After Christmas diets make living hard, too. jsbarber1 posts a lovely lady singing “I’m Gonna Have to Diet After Christmas” to ‘Hipopotamus.’ She’s pretty good and I guess that takes the sting of watching what you eat out a touch.

These days, moreover, you can’t just cook ANYTHING for anyone for Xmas dinner. Allergies, GI ailments, health regimens have made grandma obsolete. Before we print the menu, let’s check in with the family and spouses to see what THEY can’t have.

Lisa sets her lament to ‘Rudolf’ and humors up the frustration in “Lisa’s Christmas Dinner Song.” Poor Lisa. Have another glass.

Perhaps the original of this late night adult talent show winner is from Sandy and Richard Riccardi. “The Holiday Dinner Party” oozes club schmaltz but does well for all that. The audience digs it.

Consume-mas Quantities: holy dead meat

What else is coming out for the carnivore course for Christmas?

Reindeer are made of meat, so a couple silly musical musings play with this food.

Jeff Dunham sings a song i’ve featured by some other bar band earlier. His Bubba J character leaves out a verse, but still captures the country howler “Road Kill Christmas” nicely to a live audience, albeit interrupted by other envious puppets.

Mighty Magical Pants have the most fun with “Rudolph on the Barbecue.” Great rock bass line. Whether or not it’s actually the red-nosed one on the cooker is up for grabs.

Don’t worry reindeer lovers, general meat may also be the subject of noel.

Atonal spoken poetry growled out to progressive folk with a trilling Irish accent may sound like a novelty Christmas music dare from me to you.  Dead Raven Choir imagines a world less than pristine in “Christmas Meat – carrion.” You better be in the right mood, or you’ll be sorry.

Stza Crack delivers a song plagued with technical difficulties. “Tainted Meat” relates Santa’s eating misadventures corrected by Jesus with rude garage rock.

Defaulting to the more wholesome, Farmer Derek jollies up ‘Rockin’ ’round the Christmas Tree’ with “Walking around a T-bone Steak.” It rocks classically, though the meal the steak is dedicated towards is never limned as the holy one.

Consume-mas Quantities: casserole chorale

What to make for Xmas? Throw it all in a 9 x 12 and call it good.

“Aunt Clara’s Christmas Casserole” by ‘Clara’s Kinfolk’ (Probably Jack Servello) warns family of the dreaded elderly traditional potluck. Careful with that hee haw humor, it’ll grow an ad-lib on your reunion the size of a confabulation.

The Christmas Chids work up a sweat with their “Casserole of the Bells.” It sure is pretty. Lean in if you want to feel the full flavor. That cathedral sized echo may make you miss some.

Consume-mas Quantities: buono natale

There will be a time to be named in the days to come when we will visit nations thither and yon and know their Christmas songs.

This is not that time.

But, to honestly discuss foods for yule fuel, mention and attention must be paid to the descendants of Romulus and Remus. No “Italian Christmas Time” can be sung without scraps of food fitting into the chorus. Mike KC authenticates, with a little help from ‘finicula finiculi.’

Granting equal time, the ‘Irish’ applied to “Christmas Time Spaghetti” from Max DeGroot (featuring his imaginary helium voiced bear friend, Tipper) admits to the coopting of international foods, rather than some bizarre post-colonial power struggle. I mean, it IS a kids’ song. And a darling li’l parody of ‘Kilarney.’

Consume-mas Quantities: fast fest

No time for that banquet? Fast food for Christmas, baby.

The Fast Food Rockers don’t actually sing about fast food in their song “The Fat Food song (Festive Edition).” The original is the old camp song about the Bell, KFC, and Mickey Ds. This mentions turkey, but envelopes you in a hysterical hyperactive British shock treatment.

The seminal sensation in greasy high mass foods is “Ding, Fries are Done” originally from the Robert Lund album Elves Gone Wild 2003. While there have been so-called “ghetto” versions [BLEEPED BLUE ALERT], and “rap” take-offs, and even an “old world carolers” bit, the world knows this from the Family Guy show.