Year-round Yuletide oddities
Stormeezy raps out his “Christmas Nightmare” although he seems replete in weed and stuff. What’s so nightmarish?
Dagger Blade’s “Christmas Nightmare” is more straightforward death metal. Self contained.
Brian Maull posts “The Great American Christmas Nightmare” from the Howard Stern Show. Apart from ripping of ‘Holly Jolly’ i can’t tell what public figure they’re skewering.
Stream☾atcher’s “dreaming tonight” is a DJ mashup of new age fulsomeness. Fluffy, but odd.
In the dark was the child in the dream in the head was the dream… or something. “Dream Child (A Christmas Dream)” is Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s take on a soothing drug trip. Prog rock, natch.
“Must Be Dreaming” by Penthouse Sweets sums up the whole year as a dream. But this one’s not as awful as my own year. So. Yay. Pop with a rock beat.
“Hawaiian Dreaming” is a comedy bit from Balderdash and Humbug about how great a vacation would be about now. Basic parody. A couple cute rhymes, though.
Time to do dirty to ‘White Christmas.’ These are hard working parodies, laugh at your own expense.
Dave Rudolf gives us the obvious “I’m Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas.” The reason it might amuse is the gnarly Elvis impersonation. The lyrics are fair to middlin’.
Robert Blake, aka ‘Dr. Bob,’ goes grampy hobo with “I’m Dreaming of a Christmas That is White.” It’s borrowed lyrics stitched together with bluegrass dementia.
2 Live Jews are “Dreaming of a Blond Shiksa.” Dirty, indeed!
Mike Belden amateurs it one up with an unidicted co-conspirator in “I’m Dreaming of a White America.” No, racism isn’t funny, i hate ALL bigots.
“I’m Dreaming Of a Dead City” is The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society unleashing Cthulhu upon our deathless sleeping forms. This includes the oft overlooked intro.
“(I’m Dreaming of a) Hogwarts Christmas” by Hawthorn & Holly does the least amount of lifting. No charms or bewitchment mentioned.
The subject of impossibility must needs rear its fat head when dealing with Santa coming down the chimney.
Encore! The Heebee-jeebees relate with blues and scat to the day after man stuck up the chimney with those “Boxing Day Blues.” Does that mean kidnapping?!
“Santa’s Stuck in the Chimney” is kidsong country from Paul Evans. It takes a village to cause the flue movement. Danceable.
Kidzone combines harmony with shouting for the ‘fun’ “When Santa Got Stuck in the Chimney.” I guess your nose would get itchy in there….
The Penguins of Madagascar ad lib the kindling out of “Stuck in the Chimney” to the tune of ‘Up on the Housetop.’ The fixes proposed will cause much mayhem. Ha.
Yesterday’s sex with Santa tunes were rough trade. What about happy gay sex with that silver grizzly?
Again? We did some fun stuff with this topic a while back.
Suite 666 romps the punk with “Santa Blow Me.” It’s angry, but friendly.
Big Freedia asks for a boy (someone like you), bc “Santa is a Gay Man.” This is a Chordettes’ parody of ‘Mr. Sandman.’ Too raunchy?? There’s a clean cut from Charted (now that’s weird).
Jesse Hawkins keeps it clean(er) with “Santa Baby (Gay Vision).” This parody asks for clothes, and drugs, and a puppy. Very little kink, just expressions of the heart.
Despite the implied impurity of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” back in the ’50s, everyone piled on much later to spice up the corny kidsong.
We’ve mentioned these naughty parodies before…
Since then, we’ve been witness to “I Saw Mommy Pegging Santa Claus (Away In A Manger)” by Abortion Clinic Daycare. Indecipherable metal.
Something Awful’s Donner Party Christmas Party also plays opaque with “I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus,” an echoic instrumental that samples more than seduces.
JossiRossi from the same group later recorded “I Saw Mommy (Explicit) [Censored].” This is that comedy routine where bleeping inspires your filthiest imaginings.
What i’d like to direct your attention to now, however, is quite the oddity. In 1952 Spike Jones & The City Slickers chased Jimmy Boyd’s release with his own featuring his ‘Two Front Teeth” guy George Rock. But, then– for giggles–he had the gang record a SECOND version: “I Saw Mommy Screwing Santa Claus.” Thanks to the internet this private use only recording has finally seen the light of hoi polloi.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” hit #1 on the Billboard singles chart when 13-year-old Jimmy Boyd first released it in 1952. It’s been a staple since. Barely novel at this point. And yet, some of the reactions since–
Kip Addotta turned the idea on its head with “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus” in 1984. Stand Still here covers that for us. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Again! The Yule Logs reorchestrate the idea with “[I Saw Mommy Kiss Santa] Last Night.” Psychological repercussions are explored to a slack key guitar countrification.
Balderdash & Humbug reposition the events for a he said/she said of “My Kid Saw Me Kissing Santa Claus.” Conclusions are jumped to in this spoken piece.
Cecily Strong gets more into the trauma for an SNL sketch that brings in Dad and a big, weird payoff.
Certainly, for novelty purposes, Homer & Jethro, and Tiny Tim deliver with bizarre sounds. But let’s leave this elevator music with a tip of the Captain’s chair to William Shatner and his little kid who’s not getting mad–he’s getting even.
Sugies get wootsie cutesy with the pop “If This isn’t Christmas.” It’s all pozzie, but i smell irony: And now even dogs are wearing Santa’s beard….
“Jean Luc the Bald Headed Captain” is Rick Moyer’s STTNG obsession gone for a holiday. It’s clever in a impress-your-grandpa way.
The Christmas Jug Band follows, somewhat lamely, with “Rudolph the Bald Headed Reindeer.” It glows in a reflective way, y’see. Sigh.
Pulling on the beard is just one more thing that happens because of a “Bahumbug Baby” in Dave Tough’s indie-pop cautionary tale.
Grampa’s got one of those Santa beards in JJ Heller’s pop/folk “Christmastime.” Not sure what’s so traumatic, but she insists we’ll all be fine in a week or two.
The Heebee-jeebees may be confused when they seek someone to “Arrest This Bearded Gentleman.” (To the tune of ‘God Rest Ye’.) They don’t seem to understand who this guy is. But then, the theme to Gilligan’s Island rears up. What? Now i’m confused! Skip-per-r-r-r!
Part and parcel of the parody fill-in is the word game from Price Sloan Stern, Mad Libs. Not as funny as their ‘Droodles,’ this chronic cultural time-waster has its place in the annals of comedy (for kids). So, all you gotta do is take a traditional carol (‘Away in a Manger’), elide some words leaving blanks in their place. Then identify the words as nouns, verbs, what-have-yous, and ask for random part-of-speech examples from the audience to fill in those blanks. The resulting mishegoss MIGHT be amusing. (for kids, it’s usually scatalogical.)(Without an audience, i went with elementary school articles about turtles.) (Oh, and for musicality, I sought out the correct number of syllables for each fill in.)
Manger Mad Libs
1 Away in a OCEAN, no BEACH for a NEST, the COASTAL Lord HAWKSBILL, laid down His GREEN SHELL; the SEAS in the CURRENTS, RAN down where He SWAM, the ADULT MALE HAWKSBILL, MOBILE on the BAY. 2 The SEABIRDS are CIRCLing, the Baby HATCHES, but little ARCHIE CARR, no DIGGing He MATES. I LAY Thee, JACQUES COUSTEAU, look DEEP from the SCUTES and BREED by my EGGS until DIVing is nigh. 3 Be near me, AQUARIST; I MIGRATE to stay close by SAND forever, and EMERGE, I WEDGE. Bless all the dear CLUTCHES in Thy SNAPPING BEAKS, and PADDLE for DEEP SEA, RETRACT with Thee there.
Okay, i didn’t play by the rules. Not random! Some of the lines ‘spoke’ to me, so i went with it. And, while i don’t insist this is NOT blasphemous, i do declare it is educational. Shouldn’t bother third graders.