Some of this foreplay for the holidays is tortured and awkward. I’ll just fall asleep waitin’ up for Santa.
5 Alive (a BOY BAND) fist pump the hint while making kissy face and moaning pop music for “Sex this Christmas.” Baby, if you believe it’s not the meat it’s the melody, then puddle up for these jailbaits.
Future Rama uses the riddim method to have “Christmas Sex.” Smooth yet syncopated talk. I’m guessing….
“It’s Christmas (Let’s Have Sex)” is the old big band lounge tribute just this side of Mel Tormé, and it’s on fire for you. Go, Duke Tomatoe, go.
Ari Mason sashays in front of the Grand Canyon (really, girl?) asking for “Christmas Sex.” Not sure about the Sisyphus allusion, but she alt rock insists she’s a ‘freak in the sheets.’
The Stilette-Hos pop rock out that collectively “I Want Sex for Christmas.” They ain’t subtle, but they are bouncy.
Last month was all about the word FUCK in Christmas songs. This month is all about the act FUCK in Christmas songs. Still nasty… but is it more so? Depends on which side of the Mississippi you were born on.
Sexual intercourse is beset with code, euphemism for the uptight authority figurings. So we may encounter some positions not detailed A to B. I’m not here to help. I’m here to listen to some music–and connect the dots on my own. My imagination is just fine, thank you, good luck to you. (You have to gutter up the hidden meanings for all the posting titles for yourself.)
I have previously entertained myself with Furiously Stiff’s “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Wanting’s not having, however. So we’re not even to first base.
Newman McIntosh jollies himself (in his boat?) with a calypso easy listening “I Want to Have Sex on Christmas.” But, girl, he’s lusting for anyone but you. Burn!
Robert Curry is R+B gentle with “Sex for Christmas.” Soulful, meaningful, romantic (make it feel like Summer)… but then milk and cookies start to sound dirty. Hey now.
Whew, it’s a long month. Let’s shovel some more swearin’ treasures of Christmas songs into the posts post haste.
lil aaron over-modulates his boyband playfulness into an elctro “Fuck Christmas.” Pop breathlessness worthy of the Disney channel.
Harder rock from Mikey Galactic who wants his “Fuck Christmas” to include everyone. You too. Aw, i didn’t curse him anything.
Joe Goes may have watched too many Epic Rap Battles. “Merry F’ing Christmas – by Jesus and Santa” a hip hop comic duel wherein J-boi is the voice of reason, Kris the K a ragin’ colonic of a ‘coholic
The Fuck Off and Dies have a short pithy holiday metal greeting in song form “Merry Fucking Christmas.” They didn’t just sign it, they mean it.
Cutely off key The Jet Boys garage the roof with “Merry Christmas, Fuck You.” Everyone all together!
The omniscient, omnipresent judge of us all (with a name we can spell however we like, he’s okay with that), Saint Nick, represents the holiday perhaps more than that other guy. So he gets all the dirty blame for our depressing disappointments.
Bubbles & The Shitrockers gently honky tonks the hell out of the trailer trash tragedy that is hope for the lower classes. “Dear Santa Claus (Go Fuck Yourself)” tells it like beer goggles see it.
Bob Noxious throws music hall around the punk shop to holler “Fuck Off Santa.” Lest you think he’s hasty, check out his prequel of Santa antics in the ‘Bells’ inspired horrorshow “Where’s Me Fuckin’ Sherry?” Even for a Blue Alert this is graphic.
Motown checks in with jennyinstereo who pulls no effin’ punches with “Fuck You (Santa).” Damn girl. Harsh.
Overall, the hate aimed at Christmas flails a wide brush. Can we get more specific? Which aspect of the holidays spurred yer cursing? Well?
Well, we’ve investigated some of these heretofore. Tin Can Bros “F***ing Christmas Sweater” is sure pop music swell. Sure can’t fault the flute! And Kyle Dunnigan’s “Fuck You, Mistletoe!” is country catastrophe of the comic kind. Wild. I laugh every time i hear ’bout the ‘Sloppy Joe.’
Fortress of Attitude strums the folk tremulo to tell us “It’s Fucking Cold Outside.” It’s on their Christmas album (& it’s funny), so okay.
Big Sub-o (feat. Jim Dandy) raps wise against the economic constraints of the damned holy-day with “Fuck a Tree.” (Santa’s vilified as well.)
Okay, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. From ‘Another Fucking Christmas Play: A Fucking Musical’ comes “Another Fucking Christmas Song” by the original cast (feat. Eric Branget). Ah, the ennui. It is to kill us! (But until then, can anyone get me tickets?!)
Not EXACTLY Xmas, that time of the year can result in invective to color a sailor’s cheeks. (No, i don’t mean Chanukah… we covered that already.) Listen, just listen:
Xmas Socks (what a band name!) outcry their concerns with “Fuck Idolatry.” Who took the bleep out of bleeping bleepmas?
Matt Owens brings us back to church with an epic ballad “One Fuck of a Year,” a Christmas-adjacent retrospective of headache and regret. Keep the lessons a hunnert, man. And–puppies!
Then there’s the TOO-EARLY celebration. Doug Walker is back (The Nostalgic Critic) with a show tune warning us off the “Holiday Clusterf**k,” that chilly quarter of the year from equinox to solstice. It’s not Christmas, it’s business! Who knew corporations could be so unkind?
Dysphemism and Christmas needn’t be cacophonous. Nay nay! Let’s try on some sugar-coated songs with less than parliamentary language.
I guess ‘cuz i like the rock and the roll i find Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” euphonious. Sue me. It’s short.
The Mr. T Experience stadiums up the garage anthem with “Merry Fucking Christmas,” a positive greeting of some warmth. And beer.
Austin Litz injects a modicum of calypso into easy listening with the funny “Fuck You Christmas.” Swinging, soothing, sarcastic soft jazz. And the sleigh you rode in on.
“Fucking Hating Christmas” is a winsome pop musing from Gary Agg that won me over quite a bit. I just listened to it again.
Jason Bieler’s Owl Stretching have a bone to pick with the calendar (its days are numbered!). “Fuck You It’s Christmas” is a newage folk protest about the meanness of the masses. Christ! (But it’s pretty.)
Amping up like ’70s party rock, Rollercoaster X sneaks in the fulminations with “A Merry Fucking Christmas to You.” In the nicest way possible, thank you.
‘Cross the pond, class anger is much more punk than urban. Oh yes, both suffer from narcissistic infantilism and drunken outrage, but Brit anti-establishmentarianism is so AGAINST the mercantile capitalism. Not socialist, per se, more anarchist. Which is just a linguistic step away from anti-Christ. So boo on his birthday.
Thorazine backbeats the hell out of “Merry Stupid *ucking Christmas.” It’s a song only a pierced oy boy could love. Gotta pogo to it, though, guv.
The Destructors play rage like a brand in “Merry Xmas & Fuck Off.” Catchy, but a bit empty on the inside.
Cherry2000 upload a bit of the old electronica to their “Merry Fucking Christmas” clashtastic caroling. Parsley?!
Tankard plays “Fuck Christmas” full of righteous self indignation. A family round to be screamed just before Santa is shot down. Charming.
We’ve slapt the rap up one side of the wellspring of profanity and down the motherfunding other. There’s always room for more boxed in ghetto rage. ‘Specially for the holidayz.
Fortunato climbs the rhymes over bitches, riches, and absinthes with “Fuck Christmas.” It’s smarter than the average dawg.
The slow roll from Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler The Creator, Hodgy Beats harmonize the quiet crazy Xmas madness. “Fuck This Christmas” is not a song so much as a manifesto. Find me an exit!
Fabolous fronts the part, but as part of Funny or Die “I Don’t F*#k with Christmas” is a rappin’ carol of selfish childishness. I’m thinking funny hip hop, but… overall die.
